No response about coparenting in holidays…pleas help!

[TuesdayAdams]

I’m getting divorced from an emotional abuser. For the last 6 months or so we have been sharing parenting. He has been somewhat unreliable, but its been manageable.

However I’m having a real issue with getting any arrangements sorted for the summer holidays. He won’t speak to me in person so I have emailed a couple of times of the last month asking when he can have time off/when he needs to work and he has ignored the emails. I asked him in person if he would be replying and he ignored me.

I work as well so this is a real problem. As he hasn’t responded I came up with a timetable for sharing parenting and emailed it to him. That was a week ago and I’ve had no response.

I’m so worried about what’s going to happen because I could see him just not having the dc when I’ve scheduled him to so coming up with a timetable hasn’t really helped.

Any advice? I know at some point we’ll have a parenting plan but I don’t know how to manage in the meantime. Do I just need to see if I can take unpaid leave (plus the annual leave I’ve booked)? Potentially for no reason when he’ll demand to have the dc for some of the time? Please help!

I sympathise. It sounds like he’s either leaving this to the last minute or perhaps deliberately making life difficult. My ex never had the children during school hols - except of course when he wanted to take them on holiday. You could try a different tactic - tell him you’re booking childcare and ask when he’d like to take DC on holiday? Sometimes it’s easier just to accept that he’s not going to step up and get on with making arrangements. I would suggest investigating local holiday playschemes; churches and community organizations often run them in the summer. And maybe combine with WFH if your job is one where this is possible? Good luck!

Thank you. That’s helpful. One dc has additional needs so can’t access much in terms of holiday clubs etc so that makes it difficult. If things had been sorted sooner there may have been more options though so I think your advice will be useful for the future. I was also concerned that if I did book childcare then he’d want them the rest of the time, when I’ve booked off, so I’d just end up losing time with them. It’s all such a mess and if he’d just replied and told me when he was available it would have been fine. I don’t think its just leaving it to the last minute. I think he’s doing this deliberately unfortunately.

I recently told my stbexh that unless he took a proactive role in organising childcare, I would organise as per what myself and the dc need.

He was the same. Very difficult to pin down and commit to times/dates, same as when we were together.

I'm not putting any energy into it anymore. If he doesn't like the end result, that's on him.

You're not responsible for his life admin, just do yours.

My dc have additional needs too so they go to after school childcare that I can then utilise in the holidays as it's familiar.

Just plan it without him. Don't worry about him wanting the time you've booked off with them, to use a mumsnet staple just say 'that doesn't work for me'. You tried, he ignored you, he'll miss out on time with the kids.
The bonus of taking control is that it's mentally freeing not to have to rely on him deciding when he'll bother to get involved

You need to make your plans and tell him nothing. Everything you tell him gives him a way to make life difficult for you. Just ask him what he wants to do, agree to it and assume he'll change it.

Another one to say that you need to cover it yourself and not expect help, mainly for your own sanity. My EXH never did a single day of childcare and would mess me about when I asked him which, if any, days he wanted them for holidays. I learned the hard way to just do it myself and not to try and be fair or accommodating.

Nothing new to add except I am in the same boat. I am in Scotland and we are on week 2 of the holidays. Ex hasn’t seen kids at all for 2 weeks & is ignoring any messages. I have tried suggesting a schedule but that was dictating to him apparently. So then I asked when he would like them & for no response. The worst thing is, he is a fucking teacher and just sitting around on his arse.

But at least I now feel like I have honestly tried everything and he just isn’t interested. Me & DC are much happier just doing our own thing and not dealing with him constantly changing things at the last min etc.

Assume that he is not having them and make plans for the entire holidays. Keep a record of expenses - registration, food, travel, etc. and send him a bill for 50%.
Either he pays or he is not co-parenting and needs to start paying you child maintenance.

What used to happen before you split up?

They’re in reception so this is the first year we’ve had the long summer holiday to deal with. They were in nursery before and we just took then when we went on holidays.

Do a follow up email along the lines of "haven't heard back so assume you don't want to spend anytime with dc over summer".

He is either prioritising a new woman or punishing you. Of course despite all your efforts he will tell everyone you stopped him seeing the dc!

This doesn’t sound like co parenting at all. I think you may be better going for him paying maintenance.

This

If it was me I would expect Jack shit nothing from him and any help I get would be back bonus

he is still controlling you by making you stress over the holiday child care plans
take that power away from him
he gets great delight in you constantly asking for his help

My ex is unreliable too. What I do is plan for everything as if he didnt exist, then when he does decide to parent I take the chance to either relax a bit or to do ;me; things. If i relied on him i cant even imagine the stress it would bring me. Its hard because almost all of my work holidays are used for school holidays, and I get angry sometimes at how unfair it is that he basically decides when he will or wont have the kids, whereas I am the one who is always there. Thats just how it is. Plan for the summer holidays without him if thats possible. Ive had to take unpaid leave at times which is a good fall back if you can afford it.

Just to add as well, this is how the emotional abuse will now manifest itself. He will be absolutely taking pleasure from knowing you will be fretting.

Thank you all for the replies, I really appreciate it.

Some really good advice. I need to basically plan as if he didn’t exist. I’ve messed up a bit this time by trying to make it work for everyone but just ended up so stressed out as a result. You live and learn though so hopefully I’ll be more prepared in the future.

Yes, thank you for saying that. I need to think about how I react because I think you’re right. The good thing is that this sort of behaviour is helping me deal with my doubts about whether he was abusive before we separated. He used to call me selfish/a bully/an abuser and give me weeks of the silent treatment, but seeing how he behaves now gives me confidence it wasn’t me!

I used to send mine a fake list of holidays I'd booked and childcare
Low and behold he'd come back with those dates and say it was only time he was free

I'd pretend I'd changed everything at a huge cost to me and very inconvenient

Worked a charm!

Just send him another email stating that because he hasn't bothered to reply to your previous emails, you've discarded the previous holiday schedule and have organized care over the holidays, for the whole holidays.

Then just wait, because he will get in touch, at very short notice and try to 'demand' he sees 'his' kids. Just wait a couple of weeks before replying 'That doesn't fit in with the holiday schedule I'm afraid.'

You're going to need to stick to doing this, because it's the only way you'll ever get him to stop using the holidays etc as something to 'control' you with. It'll only be after he doesn't get to see the kids at all over holidays etc that he might actually agree to work 'with' you on this, instead of against you.

We have a standing pattern of 50% each and that continues through the holidays, except when we each take them away for a couple of weeks each. No set plan in place but both act like adults

Yes, you just need to arrange as if he wasn't there.

The second thing I've done is we agreed a 1 week notice period for visits (yes, it's short, but I am being excessively reasonable on this to avoid anything court enforced which would cause me more hassle) - and rejected requests with less than a week notice when he suddenly started wanting to play silly idiots with a day's notice so I had to put the firm boundaries down.

He still cancels with less than a week's notice, and I obviously have to just deal with that, and if he has a good reason, and it's convenient, and the kids want to go, I do allow reasonable re-organisation (although given how often he's cancelled, the kids have started to reject the visits TBH)

His relationship with the kids is his. Mine with them is mine. I will not force them to visit him, or arrange his visits for him. He has to do that for himself.

I had an app in the early years of leaving ab abuser, I'll look up the name, but basically every piece of contact when through this app & I blocked him elsewhere. My divorce lawyer suggested it & the divorce lawyers & court were also able to monitor the conversations (if desired) abd I did desire.
It also had a way to upload receipts of expenditure on the kids etc and holiday dates and booking calendar.
It showed him up to be a real twat at the court when he wanted shared custody & was proven not to have answered any of my questions re holiday child care etc etc.
I'll look through stuff & out name of it on here.

Also it meant I only looked at it at set times in the week as I was struggling with mental health with his abuse and viscious texts previously.

Such a good idea. It stopped all
That
(He still says I turned the weans against him )

Were we marrie to the same twat ... ;)

It was called "our familywizard" the app