I'm a first time mom at 37, so most of my friends and all my siblings already have several kids and many years of parenting experience. It's great that I can turn to them IF I have a question or need help, but the amount of unsolicited advice is astonishing. I want to vent about it so that other people dealing with this kind of thing have some solidarity and know that it's okay and normal to feel annoyed with all the unsolicited advice, whether you're a first time mom or not, and maybe hear from others who feel the same way.
My daughter has terrible colic, reflux, sleeps very little, etc. So I'm always up at 2am or whenever nursing her and looking up solutions online. I've tried everything and she's still difficult. So I kind of dread talking to friends and family because the first thing they ask is how my daughter is doing. I try to give a quick update and then kind of minimize things and move on. I don't get much time to socialize and would rather use it hearing about what's up with my friends, who are doing interesting and exciting things with their families that I haven't been able to hear about. I also feel powerless a lot of the time when I'm unable to stop my daughter from crying, so being able to talk to friends about what I've been up to without being told I should be doing something differently helps me regain some sense of agency.
Without fail, people always start offering advice after asking about my daughter. It comes in the form of "you should xyz" or the more subtle "have you tried xyz?" I know they are trying to help, but it's tiresome because it's just a re-hash of whatever I've read online. By the time I explain that I've tried that thing and why it isn't working for me, they need to go take care of their own kids, and I feel like the conversation has just become me complaining. Also annoying is when people are dismissive of what I say I've been through or have learned, or share parenting knowledge that is outdated or wrong when I was not asking anyone to share their parenting knowledge with me. And then I feel the need to defend why I'm doing something a certain way, which further just makes the conversation all about me complaining and robs me of a more relaxing conversation with a friend. Sometimes I feel like a drag because of that kind of thing, which is ironic because I was trying to avoid the conversation in the first place. But I'll admit that the conversation is triggering to me especially because of how people prod me to start or continue talking about it and then say the most aggravating things.
I get that sometimes people will disagree with something I think I know and might need to correct me, but it's the sheer amount of times this happens that is really getting on my nerves. It's as though I can never know something about parenting just because I have less parenting experience than them or because I'm facing challenges with my daughter. I just wish people would stop and think about the possibility that I might know something about parenting by now (my daughter is 5 months old) or that they might not be an expert on every parenting topic so that our conversations could feel more balanced in terms of sharing about our experiences and listening to one another. I also understand that a certain amount of unsolicited advice is normal and to be expected, and not a problem. If you recently bought your kid a great toy and want to tell me about it in case I want to get one too, that's different. Or if it's just infrequent advice. And I understand that some people might be a danger to themselves and their children and need help that's more along the lines of an intervention. That's also different. I'm talking about vast amounts of condescension when it's not necessary at all.
Rather than explaining why a piece of advice doesn't work for me, I've also started saying thank you, I'll consider that, and trying to move on. I feel like I'm demeaning myself by telling people thank you for patronizing me, but sometimes it helps the conversation to not devolve into a problem-solving sessions that I didn't ask to have. It normally doesn't help though because they just continue on with the advice on other topics. I've also considered lying and telling people that my daughter no longer screams all day and is sleeping well, but I just don't want to be so dishonest with the people closest to me. And finally I've straight up asked a few people to please only offer advice if I ask for it, and to assume that I have some basic knowledge on most parenting topics.
I've definitely gotten the impression that people think I'm stubborn when I don't want advice. Especially those people who I've directly asked not to share so much advice, despite how I asked in the most tactful and polite way I could, seemed put off by that. And then they kept doing it. I have to be super persistent about it. Why do we have to be considered bad parents, depressed, stubborn, conceited, or making unwise choices for ourselves and our kids if we just ALREADY KNOW and want to talk about something else?
When my daughter was first born I had the same problem with people wanting to come over and help. I didn't have friends visit for the first two weeks, and several people told me that they wished I would accept help as though wanting some time with just family was a poor choice for myself and my baby and they were obligated to tell me or at least insinuate it. I had rectal incontinence, was still bleeding profusely through my adult underwear, found it easier to nurse my daughter who had latching problems when I wasn't wearing any kind of shirt or bra, was offering the boob every 15 minutes because I never knew what was wrong, and my husband was there to help. While it would be fine to have even more help in that situation and many people would want visitors, I wanted to poop and nurse in private and I think that's FINE. If you really want to help, respect what I'm saying I need (space) and don't whine about it or belittle my choices.
I know my friends mean well and love me and are really not aware that they are being condescending, but it seems like they still have this subconscious belief that they're better parents and perhaps know what my daughter needs better than I do just because I have a colicky baby.
I end up reading forums like the threads on this website when I want some solidarity about certain topics and am not looking for advice. And I find the same problems in many of the threads. Someone will post "my baby as colic. Can I heard some success stories? I have tried EVERYTHING and am not looking for advice, but just to hear from others who have gone through the same thing." And sure enough almost every single comment has something like "have you tried gas drops?" or "try moving the baby's legs in a bicycle motion." Like, oh my gosh, I wish I had heard that sooner because my baby was SCREAMING for 10 straight hours a day and I moved her legs like she was on a bicycle and it fixed everything thank you so much. I'm not trying to say this advice is dumb - all the little things might actually add up for some people to make things at least a lot more bearable - but there's usually not a magic bullet so if someone says they've tried a million things and don't need more things to try, your random tidbit is probably not going to rock their world.
Some people on the forums are also condescending in general acting like people have dumb questions or don't know their own kids. I saw someone asking if it could be PTSD that she hears phantom baby screams, and the first comment was like "no it's not and please don't call it that" with no further explanation. Like, why could it not be PTSD? Postpartum PTSD is real. You can read about it on Healthline. The sound of a baby screaming or crying for hours on end has literally been used as a torture device, and PTSD can happen after any traumatic event, including prolonged trauma. In another thread, someone asked for solidarity about having a colicky baby and said her baby screams bloody murder when her diaper is the tiniest bit wet. Someone commented not to worry about the wet diapers and to save some of her time and sanity by just leaving the diapers wet for a while because no baby would scream over a little wetness in their diaper, so it must be that something else is bothering the baby. Umm... babies definitely can be that upset over wet diapers. Sometimes my daughter cries so hard she stops breathing for a few seconds because her diaper has been a tiny bit wet for a minute or two. Don't tell me she doesn't do this. You're not here to see how she acts before, during, and after the diaper change and you're not the one who has been through this exact scenario with her hundreds of times, so you don't know. In general I love the forums, but I want others who feel annoyed with these kinds of comments to see that they are not alone and their feelings are valid, especially when they feel rude posting an ungrateful response.
And I'm betting there's a mom with a colicky baby out there who will read this but have no time to comment. Her hands will be full with her baby, except for maybe one finger to scroll through something for the purpose of trying to keep her sanity, so she won't be able to offer me the solidarity I'm seeking or write her own post, but I'm here to acknowledge that if you say you've tried everything you've probably tried (essentially) everything. And yeah it sucks. And there might not be a quick fix. You have done a great job overturning every rock to find a solution and you are not dumb or inexperienced or conceited or any other negative thing. You are the best mom for your baby. If you want to keep soliciting advice because you will stop at nothing to find a solution, you go girl. Maybe you will find the fix. I recently found out my daughter has a tongue tie and we're having it clipped tomorrow; maybe that will be the fix, I don't know. But if you just want to bounce on your yoga ball with your crying baby in your arms and then NOT listen to advice when you're husband gets home from work and you can finally talk to your friend on the phone, I feel like you should be entitled to that. So maybe everyone else can just stop and reflect on whether or not your friends or that random woman in the forums really wants to hear how she should try your dairy elimination diet.
And before you say it, no, I'm not interested in hearing about how I should meditate, be more appreciative, or whatever else. Thanks though.
If you feel this same way, holla back.