Anxious due to past

[Londie]

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting here and for some reason and I am
so nervous. I have been with my husband since I was 14 and I am now 26. We have
two beautiful kids and have
married for a year and half. When I was 19 I was unfaithful. I eventually called off the" fling" , it didn't last long and I realized how stupid I was and I came back to my senses. I look back now and I am filled with so much shame, as well as guilt. I ask myself what on earth was I thinking and how could I do something like that. I can't even begin to relate to that" teenager" part of me as I am such a completely different person right now. Have never done anything like that again after that. There are days where I look at my kids and I feel like I don't deserve them nor do I deserve their father and those thoughts feel me with anxiety and
fear.

The fear of loosing him and what if could possibly do to my kids if they ever knew . Even if they were never a thought or in the picture when this happened. There are days where I feel like I owe it to him to tell him as I feel like I'm such a fraud but then, when I think of what it could possibly do to him😔. I am not even sure what I am asking or expecting from you guys. I know what I did was so wrong. I feel dirty and soo ashamed!

Stop beating yourself up. You had a fling when you were 19, it's hardly the affair of the century. Tbh, chances are he has had a couple of flings too that you don't know about if you've been together since you were 14. Chalk it up to life experience - and never, ever tell him.

You were young and unmarried. Now you're a grown up and married. You aren't that person anymore and it sounds like you've punished yourself enough for the mistakes of your youth.

Forgive yourself and have a happy life.

You were a teenager then and had a fling with someone and ended it. You're an adult now with kids who would not do this. Not your finest hour, granted, but please don't imbue that silly teenage fling with the gravity that an affair would carry now for your marriage. It simply didn't carry as much weight as it would now. I don't know your DH but would bet that most couples who had been together since the age of 14, when they were kids, had each had the odd snog or whatever elsewhere. Obviously not ideal but not the same as a fully grown adult doing the same. Please don't make this something it isn't. If you need an outlet try some counselling.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate it. Maybe I should look into counseling. In my pregnancies I had so much anxiety, I don't know if the hormones magnified everything. I would have nightmares of him finding out about it. I would wake up wet and it would just dwell on my mind. I just feel like he would never forgive me if he knew. Urgh

I also have this thing where I look at some couples who have been together for long( from a very young age like us) and how much they are in love, of which I am also very in love and happy with my DH. But I look at them and I feel like hmm lucky her, she is being loved for REAL. The real "them" . Not the ideal them. I know it sounds irrational but like I said I sometimes feel like a fraud. Like if he knew he would just walk away and not love me anymore.