Still like me or just friends?

[Namechange212]

Name change for this one. Might be a long one tried to include as much info as possible for context.

Basically at the beginning of April I met with a guy from tinder and hit it off. Been single since August last year after a difficult break up and a few other things that went on. Went on about 6 dates with this guy and nearly got to the point of sleeping together however I realised I wasn’t ready and freaked out and asked if we could just be friends because I’m not ready. He was very understanding. Text messages tailed off a bit but not completely. this was about the end of May time.

I took myself off dating apps and have stayed off them and have also been going to therapy and doing work on myself. Text messages gradually picked back up again and I’ve basically realised I made a mistake when I was not in a good place. Text messages are not quite as frequent/flirty as before but still daily. We met up the other weekend for a takeaway and drinks at mine. Both got drunk and nearly slept together and were kissing etc however he thought I was too drunk so didn’t make a move in that way. He was probably right because I don’t remember things after going up to bed. I don’t regularly drink heavy all the time it’s a social thing.

He left before I woke up the next day I had a text saying sorry for leaving but he was just feeling hungover and wanted his own bed, and he has struggled to wake me. We carried on chatting daily. After that weekend I was realising how I felt and I sent him a text saying I felt I had made a mistake friendzoning him, he sent one back saying he wasn’t sure I was in the right place still, that something had changed but he didn’t know what, however he still wanted to see me again.

We carried on chatting daily, this Saturday met up for a walk on his suggestion which was lovely and ended with a hug. Still spoke daily since then however yesterday I didn’t hear from him until 6pm which is odd as he normally messages earlier. I actually logged in to tinder for the first time in ages, purely to delete my account because I’d not got round to it. I looked and he was still on there as a match but it wasn’t clear if anything had changed on his profile.

I’m going on a solo trip for 2 weeks next week. For context I’m 29 and he’s 34 neither of us have dc yet. I’m aware I have an anxious attachment style which I am working on, however it’s been triggered because I don’t know where I stand with this guy, even though I know it’s my fault because I’m the one who called it off before when it was going well. I have needed to do the work on myself and have been thankful for the time to do that however I’m gutted now because I really feel like he could have been the one for me and things have gotten messed up. I’m also worried about him meeting someone else but I guess that’s not in my control.

I don’t want any judgement just a bit of advice on what to do or from anyone who has been in a similar situation, should I just distance myself and try to let him go for my own sanity or carry things on as they are but with the risk I might get hurt?

I think some people (including me) work on the premise that a rejection is something to move on from. I like to think that a potential partner would jump at the chance of a relationship with me. If a man told me “I’m not ready” I’d think, “you’re just not that into me”.
Even in the event that he changed his mind, I’d still be lukewarm about going there. I’d always feel like he was settling.
Sorry, I’m just being truthful. X

@pictish yeah I totally get that and in all honesty I’d feel the same, although I’ve benefitted from working on myself I do wish I could turn things back.

I’m just not really sure where I should go from here.

I think all that's happened here is that you've had a bit of a bumpy start but nothing too extreme for people who are in the early stages of getting to know each other (by which I mean - there has been no bad behaviour by either party and I don't see any red flags in how he has behaved). I know lots of good relationships which have come out of similarly bumpy starts where each party is working out what they want, including my own. You were honest that because of your previous break-up it felt a bit too much a bit too soon and he respected that. A bit more time passed and you began to feel more ready and he, having been brushed off, is working out how he wants to respond to that. That's all fair and reasonable, I think.

As to not knowing where you stand - it's rare to know where you stand so early on in a relationship, and if he was lovebombing you, that might not be a particularly good sign in any case. In truth, we can never be completely sure as to where we stand in anything because we can only control ourselves, not anyone else. And as to the risk of getting hurt - that risk exists in any relationship - no matter how "right" it might feel. Indeed, you can be sure - even in a healthy relationship - that your partner will occasionally hurt your feelings and you will occasionally hurt your partner's feelings. No-one gets it absolutely right all the time. The only way to avoid being hurt is not to have a relationship at all but then think how much you would miss out on.

It's easy for me to say this because I'm standing outside the situation; I'm also middle-aged and have been with my partner for 20+ years, so it's very easy for me to speak from a position of security. But a few things I've learnt over time:

• if I want something to happen, then I need to do my bit to make it happen. If it still doesn't happen, then at least I'll know I did what I could do about it and therefore it clearly wasn't meant to happen;
• cast your mind forward to a year from now and imagine yourself looking back at the present moment. What do you think you will wish you had done? I'm guessing that you will wish that you had done a bit more to bring the relationship about rather than walking away at this first hiccup. It's a win-win for you: either he responds well to your continued interest and you and he get to a good place; or he doesn't take you up on your offer, in which case you will at least know you tried;
• anxiety is bollocks and the more you feed it the hungrier it gets. I've been anxious. I know it's hard to switch away from anxious thoughts. But thoughts aren't facts and you can recognise your anxiety without giving in to it. You can also starve your anxiety and build your confidence by taking healthy, bold steps. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers is wonderful for this. If you don't already have it, I suggest you get hold of it and give it a read.

@Dery i totally get that, I struggle to sit with the uncertainty of it all. I think the problem is I have been love bombed in the past where men have told me what I’ve wanted to hear and then messed me about. So because I’ve not been love bombed this time I’m not used to it and I’m having to sit with the unknown rather than someone telling me what I want to hear.

i’m going away next week which I’m hoping will help, it doesn’t get rid of my anxiety about him meeting someone else though.

Stay away from people and situations that trigger your attachment style. You'll find yourself to have a secure attachment style.

Took me ages to realise that you don't try to stop your attachment style, you just put yourself in situations where it doesn't bother you.

How the situation gets created and who by is neither here nor there. This situation is confusing you and making you feel insecure. Anybody with a secure attachment style refuses to attach themselves to something that makes them feel insecure.

Walk away, and don't try to be with anybody who makes you feel anything other than 'Oh my god, I didn't realise it could be so easy.'

@Namechange212 - being able to sit with the unknown is difficult but it’s a very important life skill. Otherwise you’ll always be rushing to “fix” things and will often, in the process, break things. You have an example here: rather than ask this guy to go more slowly, you decided you had to friend zone him and look where that got you! Believe me - I speak from painful experience on this but I’ve got better at it over the years.

Will you check out the book I suggested? I think you may find it helpful.

Good luck, OP, and enjoy your holiday. And forgive my bossiness!

@Watchkeys i can definitely see sense in this, but I think it’s because I was the one to friend one him when things were going well that’s stopping me from stepping back because I have the feeling I made a mistake. I’ve been in other situations where people have been the ones to end things with me then come back which has triggered my attachment and in those circumstances I definitely see the benefit of walking away.

@Dery ive actually read that book years ago and found it really good, I honestly haven’t seen it for years though so will have to have a dig for it. My general unhealthy pattern is binning nice guys off but that’s something I’m very aware of now and actively trying to work on, just wish I could go back with things with this guy.

I have the feeling I made a mistake

This is the sentence at the crux of the anxious attachment style. Always trying to correct a mistake you made that ruined the relationship. That's what the anxious attachment style is.

You've told him you feel you've made a mistake: he hasn't jumped at a relationship with you. If he was worthy of a relationship with you, he'd have jumped in both feet first, or he's right. Either way, focus on you first, and how you feel. He's not making you feel great right now, so back away from him.