The elephant in my relationship with my mum

[Imlola]

I am quite close to my mum on the surface. We speak most days.

However, we lack her physical presence as she moved away shortly before my first child was born.

If I'm honest, I've never understood it. I've struggled raising children without my mum around for support. My husband has been very absent also due to his recently diagnosed neurodivergence.

I wouldn't have minded at all if she had found herself a better life 200 miles away, but she hasn't. She eventually left my alcoholic father shortly after I left home despite years of me asking her to leave him due to his verbal and mental abuse towards myself and my sister. Then, she found a new relationship very quickly whilst she was working away and within two years, she had moved away and moved in with him. What hurts is that he's also an alcoholic. She makes excuses for him though and is completely delusional about his drink problem.

This was 9 years ago now and she's still with him, living 200 miles away, missing out on her grandchildren growing up, for the sake of another disappointing
Man. She is happier than she was with my father as he's not abusive with it, but she's missing out on so much. We can't even go to stay with her as they live in a one bedroom house.

I find it hard, as although we're close, there's always the sinking feeling of disappointment that she's let us down. My sister barely speaks to her. I've always been quite close to mum, but have always felt second to men. Even my own father when he was abusive towards us, she would make excuses and now she's finally rid of him, there's another useless man taking priority. I know she had atleast one affair when she was with my Dad too.

It's like a huge contradiction in our relationship and doubts about her loyalty and commitment to us. From her social media updates, you would think she was the best grandma on earth. She's always talking about how much she misses us all and how she wishes things were different. Sometimes she talks about coming back but then doesn't. Surely though, if she wanted to come back, she would wouldn't she?

I guess it doesn't help that she's clearly not secure and settled where she is and so there's always me questioning if she'll move back here again. She'll tell me how living there is temporary and how she never intended to stay. Other times, she'll say she could never move back here because of the good, full time job she has where she lives now.

Just feel like I'm on this emotional roller coaster of "is she ever going to come back?" And also, "are we worth coming back for?" Or is putting men before us just what she does? If this is the case, do I really have a good relationship with my mum?

Bumping up

She hasn’t let you down at all, but is living her life. It may not be your choice of life, but she has chosen it. You can still care for someone even if you are not with you?

This isn’t about where she’s living, it’s about her choosing abusive men over you as a child and as an adult. Which now you have children you would never do, so are finding it difficult to understand why she can. Your dm doesn’t know any difference, she damaged by her history… maybe growing up in similar circumstances? You can’t change her op, so I’d suggest counselling to help you unpack your own trauma. It’s ok to be hurt by parent’s actions

Thanks @Lollypop701 it doesn't make a lot of sense to me as she had a really lovely father who was the total opposite of the men she chooses. She has however always had very low self esteem as she was involved in an accident as a child which gave her a disability. I often think that maybe this is the cause of her poor choices. I really would be so hapoy for her if she had moved away from her family to begin a better life, but she hasn't. It's this I struggle with.

I've had counselling before and talked about it... they have merely pointed out how it's unacceptable that mum keeps me hanging by saying things about moving back home and then changing her mind again. She also does the same with her visits, doesn't come when she says she is which leaves me hanging or will go home earlier than she planned to. They've worked with me to recognise that some of her behaviour can be quite inconsiderate but I don't really know what to do with that knowledge other than feel like the relationship I have with her isn't as loyal/authentic as I hope at times.

It’s not a better life from your viewpoint. But it’s what she wants. Tbh how would you like it if she told you she didn’t like your life choices and to move near her?

Your mum can’t be the mum you want. Not all mums are the perfect version… they come with faults ( as do we all). If you accept her with her limitations it gets easier… don’t expect her to visit so when she does that’s nice, accept she’s never going to leave her relationship because for her own reasons she’s ok with it (it’s not as bad as last one, he’s not abusive). She isn’t going to move near you or ever provide any real support… because she doesn’t actually want to she’s ok where she is. But she will absolutely post on social media she wants too (bet her dh isn’t on there) . She gets sympathy for this so it’s a positive outcome for her. Maybe She needs a man to give her self worth. That’s not great but it’s a million other women too. Basically, she is NOT going to change.

So if you want to be ok with that then you will have to change. its hard, I won’t lie. But having no expectations can be freeing. And viewing it as a learning experience… you know how you don’t want to be with your kids etc. good luck

I don’t see anything disloyal or non-authentic about her relationship with you.

You speak most days so that sounds fairly loyal and authentic. Just because you don’t live near each, doesn’t mean you can have a good relationship. None of my siblings live near our parents, but we still have a good relationship with them, and they have a good relationship with the grandchildren.

Maybe you’d prefer her to live locally so you can pop around for coffee etc, and maybe you’d like her to be more reliable with plans etc, but many families successfully have long distance relationships. Accept her and the situation for what it is.

Wtf! You e elected your mother to stay living close to you after you'd left home so that she could be available to help you bring up your children because the man you chose to have children with uses his ND as an excuse not to step up?

Expected*

Most of your angst will be sorted if you register with www.sitters.co.uk.

After that you'll hopefully have the capacity to have compassion to think about her needs as a victim of longterm abuse, rather than that she owes you childcare as payment for your dad being awful.

OP,
You are in daily contact with her?
Is that giving her emotional support?

If so I think you should pull back and be in far less contact.

Of course it is painful that your mother has chosen alcoholic men ahead of you.

Your sister is protecting herself, I think you should too.

You need to accept that you are not her priority and that she is living the life she wants.

You sound as if you may have been her emotional crutch as a child which was so bad for you.

Expect nothing from her and try and get some more counselling for yourself so that you can protect yourself from disappointment.

If she didn't put her own kids first, she's not hoping to put her grandkids (and her adult kids) first.

She's clearly almost entirely motivated by her own relationship/partnership. There are people like that. They generally have shit relationships with their kids.

She's like that but uses bullshit masking of it with the fb stuff and regular calls.

I don't know how you control yourself and not respond sarcastically to her fb posts, but it's best that you continue to do that.

You got fairly shit parents in the parent lottery.

Just see her for what she is and give her reciprocal priority.

*not likely

Yes @billy1966 she has leaned on me emotionally a lot over the years, particularly when she was with my father. I wouldn't know half of the problems she has with her now partner if she didn't call me when she's drunk to tell me. I feel saddened that we can't even go to stay with her and visit.

She keeps confiding in me that she's coming back and then tells me she isn't.

My sister made a lot of sarcastic remarks for a long time before she blocked her on social media.

"She's clearly almost entirely motivated by her own relationship/partnership. " yes @LooseGoose22 this is definitely the case with my mum. She has always put everything into her relationships and when they don't work out, she looks for other men. She's never had many friends and always quickly dumped them. It has to be a low self esteem thing.

Not surprisingly she has leaned on you.

You say it must be low self esteem?
Not necessarily, could be she just puts her own needs first.

I agree with @LooseGoose22 that you have shite parents.

I would definitely consider following your sisters lead with very very LC.

You are being used by your mother as an ear for her drama when it serves absolutely no purpose in your life.

She will always suit herself, the sooner you pull away and do the same the better your life will be.

Constant contact is a scab that is never being given a chance to heal.

Not having contact with people who want to use you, is very helpful.

Another drunk message from her telling me that she's moving back to my town and how she's going to leave her partner and detailing her plans for moving back here.

And then she'll act like she's said nothing when she's sober tomorrow 🙄

She sounds a bit shit, OP.

There will be plenty who will say she has no obligation to help out, and she has every right to live where she likes. And they are right, of course. It doesn’t make her any less, well, a bit shit.

My mum lived a flight away from me, but she visited more times than I could count when my babies were small. And when she left, my freezer was full of food and my house was gleaming.

My mother also put a man's needs before mine resulting in abuse and neglect. Some women are just like this, can't manage without a man - any man - I can't imagine doing this myself.
I've learnt to rely on nobody but myself and I don't think about her because it's not good for my mental health.

If I'm honest, I've never understood it. I've struggled raising children without my mum around for support.

Seriously?

Some people can’t exist without a relationship. They literally can’t pay the bills, do the shopping, clean the house, arrange a social life, make appointments etc. I used to think single people were lonely, now I realise many are stronger than people in relationships because they handle everything themselves.

Your mother is codependent and an enabler. She has swapped an abusive alcoholic for an alcoholic which is probably a step up for her. I think she isn’t there for you because she is too weak to be. She has never stood on her own two feet. It’s a real shame your kids are growing up without a Grandmother. Really sorry OP

Agree with PP your mum is codependent OP. There are a lot of books and YouTube's about codependency, maybe give them a watch see if they might throw light on this for you.

I'm sorry, op.

Your mum clearly has a pattern of destructive relationships and I'd question whether there's an element of abuse in the one she now, too. She actually sounds very unhappy with her life away from you - the continual decisions to move back (especially when mentally low) followed by a change of heart are so typical of that. I have a couple of friends who do the same thing, the tragedy is that nothing will change until they take that step to breakaway.

But like women in obviously abusive relationships, is takes enormous courage and the ability to believe things can be drastically different. When your life experience has always been one way, it feels impossible. She sounds trapped by her insecurity, fears and experience.

Of course when the new day dawns and the moment of crisis has passed, it seems like an overreaction to leave - its not that bad, things are actually pretty good etc.

Once you see frame her behaviour this way, her actions and words make sense.

In the meantime, of course you feel let down and lost. It's perfectly normal to grieve for what you haven't had and to feel exhausted by the current situation. Ignore those who've missed the context of your post and think you're being selfish.

Doubts about her loyalty to you? I take it she left when you were an adult not a young child? She left for love (her version, whatever that is, maybe different to yours or mine), and a decent life (you say she is happy with her full time job in current location). How in blazers is this disloyal, an elephant in the room or anything else? You and your sister are on crack. You are adults, why do you need your mum living next door?

Your mother sounds like a very damaged woman. There's nothing you can do to change that, but you can adjust your reactions and your expectations and I would strongly suggest you work on this. You'll be happier. Your mother is allowed to live her life as she chooses, bad choices and all.

I think you've nailed it. The relationship is not what youd hoped for. Get your head around that and things will be better x

Why can’t you go and stay near your mum fur a week in the holidays and to things together?
Or ask her to come up in the school holidays for a week to stay? (Assuming you have school age kids)