Recovering from an affair

[Everythingiscopy]

I’ve just (last night) discovered that my husband slept with another woman. A work colleague. It was one time (I’ve spoken to her and she has corroborated the story) and it was about 7 months ago. I’m devastated. We have a young daughter (4) and a wonderful life. We haven’t been as close in recent years but it was something we were trying to work on. What I’m basically asking here is, are there any examples of marriages surviving an affair? Is there any hope for this marriage?

Yes my marriage survived. I'm very happy it did. I trust my husband (as much as I'd trust anyone after what happened to me) and I'm not bitter at all (before those old tropes come out).

But... it is not an easy path and it needs to be done with your safety and well-being as a priority. He needs to be 100% remorseful and ready to put in the hard work of discovering his whys and unpicking the selfish and entitled behaviour that led to his affair. You need to let go of blaming the marriage or yourself and undoubtedly let go of the shame that's involved in staying.

Surviving infidelity (their reconciliation board), affair recovery videos and 'not just friends' and 'how to help my spouse heal from my affair' books are all super resources to get started.

Bottom line if he's not moving heaven and earth to prove to you he believes he can be a safer partner, I'd not even listen.

@sofacouchboredom Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It’s incredibly helpful. I believe he is remorseful but I’m still in shock really, so need a few days to process. I’ll definitely look into the resources you suggested. ❤️

Absolutely, it's utterly devastating to have to rip the man you thought he was down from that pedestal, the rose tinted glasses are shattered and you have to reconsider yourself (what are your deal breakers) and your boundaries.

It can be very lonely when you're considering staying and the worn out comments 'you'll never trust again' 'once a cheat' blah blah blah can become overwhelming.

I'm not denying the truth in these for some people, some marriages, some circumstances but every dynamic is different, the affairs occur in different contexts, you have to walk your own path but those resources will help you both if he is truly remorseful.

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I completely agree with @sofacouchboredom . Also joint and single counselling for you both ASAP.

Did you discover the affair or did he tell you?

@Didimum Yes, I think we’ll definitely explore therapy. I discovered it, which definitely isn’t helping, as I suspect he would have never told me otherwise.

For me, it would greatly depend on the why and how and whether or not it was owned up to or I found out.

I would be dubious of anything the AP told me, so corroboration from them wouldn’t mean much to me, especially if they also had a lot to lose themselves. The one thing that a cheater will do is minimise their involvement - that goes both ways if they are both married.

I think it’s possible but you have to realise that the person you married is actually flawed and not that perfect man you thought they were. You can forgive but you will never forget. You have to be sure it’s what you want to do too. Too many women just fall into the “must keep the family together” at all costs mode and that itself isn’t a good enough reason. This isn’t your fault so don’t blame yourself for it, he could have chosen to speak to you about how things were slipping but he didn’t, he chose the nuclear option and like you say would not have told you had you not found out.

OP
I am so sorry.

You are at the beginning of your journey and will go from highs to lows, from wanting to leave to wanting to stay. It will be a roller coaster ride. There is no way around, you have to go through it. I recall the agonising pain each morning as I woke and remembered, the knot in my stomach, the asking the same question in 10 different ways, the screaming, the swearing, curling up in a foetal position wanting to die, searching his phone for messages, searching his emails, self harming.

I stayed for a number of years- hated him, hated myself all for the sake of keeping the family together. I did not want my dc to be between homes. Also we could not afford to run two decent sized homes.

There is no intimacy, no touching at all for 1.5 years. The sad thing is I do not want or miss it with him.

My marriage is over - it was over four years ago but I stupidly hung in there. The pain fades but the memory never does. You will never look at or feel the same way about your husband. Some say they do, but unless they have amnesia and forget their trauma, how can they truly.

You will never see him in the same way again. That doesn't mean you and him can't continue to have a relationship of course?

This is what I need to work out: whether the relationship is worth saving. But I think I can only do that through working on it and then making a decision a few months down the line. Right now, I don’t want it to be over (despite feeling angry/betrayed/heartbroken). But yes, I can see how hard it’s going to be to get it back on track.

Also, FWIW, the AP told her fiancé about the affair a few days after it happened and they broke up.

My first thought is if the AP told her fiance and they broke up, is the AP thinking your DH is going to leave you so they can be together?

@sfagan2022 No. She’s relocating to the Middle East, so no chance of that. I didn’t get that impression at all when I spoke to her.

I’ve been cheated on once (that I know of) and I tried to stay.

I just couldn’t do it, the betrayal, the fact he’s possibly/probably do it again & it was always on my mind that if you love and respect someone and choose to break the trust, it’s always broken. I knew I deserved better.

good luck in whatever you decide but always remember you are faultless & he is the only 1 to blame so he has to accept your reactions & go at your pace.

Questions:
Are you absolutely certain this is the first time he’s done it?
Does he have form for cheating in previous relationships?
Has he provided context to the affair? Was it premeditated with a build up to getting it on or was it a drunken work party ONS / shag?

@Tellmewhyyou

1. I can’t be 100% certain (because it’s impossible to prove a negative) but I believe him when he says this is the first time.


2. We got together at university and neither of us had had a serious relationship before.


3. Yes, they were both drunk at a work party.

Sorry you’re going through this OP.

how did you find out?

I think it makes a huge difference, discovering versus him fessing up. The latter would be a much stronger indicator for reconciliation. I discovered DH’s multiple affairs which made it harder as he obviously intended to keep lying to me indefinitely.

if it was a one time thing though I think there is a greater chance of reconciliation if you think it is worth it and he is 100% committed to making it work. Had it been longer term and an emotional thing I think it would be harder.

my DH is in therapy and we will probably also attend couple’s counselling and I think maybe that’s the best step to figure out why this happened and whether and how you want to move forward.

it will take a long time for the shock to subside. Half a year later and I still don’t know what’s what.

@Pickle991 I had a hunch and checked his phone. So yeah, if I hadn’t found out I don’t think he would have told me, especially as it happened 7 months ago and the woman in question is leaving the country soon. For me, that’s the hardest thing to come to terms with; the fact that he was carrying on as normal after it happened. I’m not sure I’d have been able to do that.

Yes, I think therapy will be playing a big part. He has committed to seeing a therapist, I will be doing the same and we will explore couples therapy in due course.

Sending 💐. It’s a shitty situation however it plays out.

@Everythingiscopy perhaps given it was a ‘one-off’ and didn’t mean anything (?) he thought he’d be causing more damage if he came clean. How is your relationship otherwise?

I think I could forgive a ONS with a lot of work. It’s the emotional side of the latest, long term thing, and multiple affair partners I’m struggling with. I change my mind between staying and going all the time.

in terms of carrying on as normal, men seem to have an uncanny ability to compartmentalise…

@Pickle991 I think that was probably his thought process. Relationship could definitely use some work - classic post-child, not as much time for each other, knackered by the end of the day so just sit and watch telly. We definitely need to make more time to connect, so maybe this is the shove we need to make it happen.