New relationship - saying I love you

[drlel]

Been with someone for 4 & a bit months now. Going really really well after 8 years of dating disasters and not meeting anyone I clicked with.

When I'm with him I'm actually having to stop myself from saying I love him. I'm so out of touch but do most people wait for the man to say it first. I know it's 2022 and nothing wrong with a woman taking the lead but it's not very 'me'

Do you think the fact he's not said it in over 4 months is a really bad sign? He tells me how much he loves spending time with me, that he hopefully sees a future with me, tells me he misses me etc.

I've not said those words to many men but when I have it's never taken this long!

4 months is nothing in terms of getting to really know someone.
If you have regularly been saying "I love you" to people over the last 8 years, when you've not had a chance to get to know the person, then I think you have a different meaning to the words than I do.

It really depends. My ex and I where together for the best part of a year and we didn't say I love you, but like you spoke about the future. Looking bad, I think this is a bit odd. Why speak about the future when you haven't even said I love you yet? Maybe it's just me.

With my current partner for nearly 2 years and we said I love you within a few weeks. But then again we did decide to have a baby really quick too.

It honestly just depends on who he is as a person, in reality 4 months isn't long. Give it time. If you feel you want to say it then say it. Go with your heart 🥰🥰

4 months isn’t long though, you might be in love with someone, but you can’t really love them, you don’t know them.

If it’s going well, it’s going well. Actions speak louder than words.

Thanks everyone! It does feel early but I'd been reading something that said the average for a man to say it is 1 month and 2-3 months for women so I was worried he wasn't feeling it

4 months is much too soon for me (personally). I told my husband at 7 months in and he told me 4 months later.

the average for a man to say it is 1 month and 2-3 months for women

Ehh … this is utterly ridiculous.

I've only ever told 2 partners I loved them. One was my bf in my teens (from age 16-20), looking back it probably wasn't love but at the time I believed it was. The 2nd one was my now exH who I was with for 12 years.

Since I split with my exH 8 years ago I've never even been close to saying it. I was with someone for 9 months and wasn't even thinking about it

I think DP and I were close to a year. I knew I loved him long before that but didn’t feel ready to say it and neither did he. Not a bad sign.

www.healthline.com/health/relationships/when-to-say-i-love-you#normal-time-frame

I think it’s more important to have decent conversations about the future rather than focus on when to say I love you. Focus on how he treats you, and watch out for future faking. 4 months is still the earliest honeymoon period, you barely know him.

It really isn't about what most people do, or being 'out of touch'. You're not 'out of touch' with what you want, and that's all that matters. There are no rules or averages or right or wrongs. Some people don't say it for years, some say it after a few weeks or even hours. Some couples from each of these categories have successful relationships, some don't.

Making sure you're 'getting it right' and 'ticking the boxes' is a surefire way to make sure you don't get your needs met. What you need to be doing in this, and all other areas of your life, is making sure you're happy.

Are you happy? Is this relationship meeting your needs? If not, that's a bad sign. If you're happy, and your needs are met, that's a good sign.

Where do you get the idea from that whether your relationship goes well is somewhat down to whether you're 'out of touch'? What is it you feel the need to be 'in touch' with?

*Are you happy? Is this relationship meeting your needs? If not, that's a bad sign. If you're happy, and your needs are met, that's a good sign.

Where do you get the idea from that whether your relationship goes well is somewhat down to whether you're 'out of touch'? What is it you feel the need to be 'in touch' with?*

I'm very very happy and it's definitely meeting my needs. I guess my concern is that I'm more invested than him but based in his actions and other things he says I don't think that's actually the case

in the nicest way possible; please stop being so desperate.

4 months is hardly a lifetime. I would think he was strange if he said he loved you already as surely after 16 weeks of knowing each other and being together - you couldn’t of have enough ups and downs to justify loving each other genuinely.

Relax

I'm very very happy and it's definitely meeting my needs. I guess my concern is that I'm more invested than him

This appears to be contradictory. Your need for feeling equally invested isn't being met.

I'm curious about why you overlook this as a need, and deem yourself to be in a 'needs all met, very happy' situation? In an 'all needs met' situation, you don't have concerns. Not having concerns is the definition of 'all needs met'.

You aren't reading this article correctly:

On average, it took them 97.3 days to consider saying “I love you,” while it took women just about 138 days to consider saying the words.

This means, on average, it could men 3.5 months to CONSIDER saying I love you.

While men tended to consider confessions of love acceptable after about a month or so, women tended to say it was better to wait 2 to 3 months or so.

This mean a month is the EARLIEST men consider it acceptable to say I love you.

But everyone is an individual, and we don't know OP or her partner, so one of them might find it acceptable after 1 week, and one not until 10 years. Averages are useless in this situation: they're not a set of rules about what's ok and what's not. They just prove that everyone's different.

The important thing is that OP and her partner have roughly matching needs and requirements, not what 'average men' do.

I said it 8 months in as I just couldn't stop myself any longer! The bugger made me wait a week before he said it back 😂. Tbh we both knew a lot sooner.

The only reason I'm questioning if im more invested as I feel like im falling in love with him and he's not said it to me.

He brought up exclusivity pretty early on, he was the one who brought up the bf/gf discussion, tells me how happy he is, feels lucky to have met me, hopes we have a future together etc.

I think I've been putting too much emphasis on the fact he's not said those 3 words yet

The only reason I'm questioning if im more invested as I feel like im falling in love with him and he's not said it to me

Now you're trying to minimise your need, and make it less important in the grand scheme of things, when actually it's something you're concerned enough about to post on a forum about it. Unless you post on forums to query that you've run out of baked beans or that you need a wee, this is more concerning to you than a simple daily concern.

The only reason anybody questions anything in their relationship on a forum is because there's either an issue or a communication issue within the relationship. You think you're falling in love with him, but you can't talk to him about your feelings. You're talking to us. Why can't you ask him how he feels?

We said around 2 months in.

I went on a date and she said it on the 2nd date.😂😂☝️