Am I being difficult?

[MrsBean88]

Bf and I have been together 3 years with a 2 month break in that time. We don’t live together.

Recently, he’s been having a really hard time work related and lost out on a promotion, he’s very depressed and down about this, which I truly get. I have some anxiety and overthinking related issues. When he feels down he tends to retreat into himself a lot, when that happens his communication with me reduces and I can feel the weird energy vibes from him which in turn starts my overthinking and anxiety off and whilst I know it’s not because of me I tend to worry a lot, and then I reassurance seek from him that we’re ok and this really seems to annoy him.

I tried to explain today that I just need a little bit of reassurance each day but it turned into a huge argument where he couldn’t understand why I can’t just accept everything is ok like he’s said. I do tend to ask if he’s sure there is nothing else wrong and he doesn’t like that he says it implies I don’t believe him.

Do you think I’m being a really awful person? I don’t mean to be and id like an outsiders perspective. I’m in therapy currently.

Not an awful person, no. But it does sound a bit needy. Try and accept his initial answer rather than keep going back with ‘are you sure’, that’s bound to get annoying.

I'm sure you're not a really awful person but you're not being fair on him. He's going through a rough time and instead of supporting him you're sort of making it about you.

I’m definitely supporting him I’ve done loads to support and be there for him as much as he needs over the past few weeks. I guess I am a little needy though and a little overly anxious (relationship OCD) which is why I’m in therapy. I’ll try to be less pokey in future I guess

This.

I don't know if you have specifically chosen to word it as "Do you think I'm being a really awful person?" so everyone says "Of course not", but that is how the post reads to me.

I think you must be difficult to live with (not literally, but 'be in a relationship with') if that is how you respond when he is going through a bit of a tough time. When one of a couple is going through a difficult time, part of being in a relationship is making the effort to support your partner, not start expecting them to fuss over you.

Try something that draws a gentle boundary. ‘That sounds tough. I’m going to leave you to sit with that and you can let me know when you want to talk.’ Start to disengage … Be busy. Support can’t mean waiting anxiously on the sidelines worrying if you are pushing him too hard. He sounds self-absorbed. I read elsewhere here today ‘he has not learned his own coping mechanisms’ and I thought that insight might apply here.

I tried to explain today that I just need a little bit of reassurance each day.

Cripes OP. Do not do this. It's the total opposite of sexy!

A lot of people in various stages of a relationship will feel this way, but you don't actually say it!

If a boyfriend had ever said that to me I'm afraid it would have been over by the end of the week.

The problem is that reassurance seeking is addictive, and with OCD it gets very circular and problematic. You’ll never feel satisfied. I think you have to go cold turkey and stop asking for this reassurance.

I don’t think you’re good for each other. You’ve got your issues, he’s clearly got some too. A partner who gets depressed, retreats into himself and stops communicating whenever he has a life setback is not a good match for someone with anxiety over relationships.

I can’t see how this can be a long term happy relationship unless you both (and I mean both, not just you) miraculously manage to get over your issues, which is unlikely.