Turned off

[Asparagus74]

name changed for this..

I'm not sure if I’ve gone off Dh sexually, or just the way he behaves towards me.
He says ‘you gonna give me a treat?’ Meaning a blow job usually or similar. I keep saying it’s the biggest turn off.
why should sex be ‘me giving him a treat’?! Why can’t it be us making love. Or him making an effort. The fact he says ‘treat’ makes me feel like I’m a service.

He often says this while lying on his back in bed. It’s such a turnoff but he doesn’t see how. He says I keep turning him down. But I wouldn’t if he showed some kind of affection.
After a long day, I feel he’s giving me more jobs on the list if that makes sense.

I love sex. But this makes me feel like a maid.

I need to feel wanted, not like I’m a service.

This conversation is regular, yet he then sulks for ages due to me ‘turning him down!’

Not sure why I’m writing. I guess just off loading.

You really, really need to leave this man. Don't raise your children in the midst of this toxic nightmare of a marriage.

Be blunt, it's the only way to communicate with men like that "i would feel like "treating" you more often if I felt more affection from you" "I don't feel like "treating" you when I've done all the housework and childcare on my own all week" "I dont feel like giving you a "treat" when you've never given me one"

Tell him "you might not agree with it but its the way I feel and a fact. You're not going g to be getting "treats" until I see some changes"

We were eating separately for other reasons (he was off to get dd from work) but he expected his dinner immediately. So I ended up cooking for him wrapped in a towel. While he sat at the table waiting.

Why did you do this? Why did you allow yourself to be so disrespected?

That's toxic codependency. If you don't stand up to his demands, you're complicit in enabling them.

Draw up a rota for the chores where he's responsible for 50% of them. Just so you don't disengage him completely, start just with sharing out cooking/preparing meals as that sounds like a major issue that he can't avoid. Hand him the rota and explain that's when he's cooking. Stand your ground and if he doesn't cook when he's supposed to, no one gets fed.

Whenever he asks for a 'treat' tell him he needs to give you one first (I'm assuming he never goes down on you) to get you in the mood.

So I ended up cooking for him wrapped in a towel. While he sat at the table waiting

You are responsible for you. Don't be around people who make you feel bad. Don't do things you don't want to do. That's boundaries, sorted. And boundaries are what you lack.

He won't change. You won't ever understand why he behaves like this. All you can do is maintain your own boundaries.

Did you have a situation as a child where a parent or carer feeling ok/getting what they demand to precedence over how you felt? Your behaviour is a learnt pattern, rather than something you have to continue to do as a necessity.

He sounds awful, OP. This is not normal or healthy in an adult relationship. It’s abusive. It’s a poor model for children also and makes me wonder what you learned about relationships growing up. You have also fostered this dynamic by doing everything for him but in an abusive relationship that might feel like the safest thing to do.

What would happen if you refused to do what he’s demanding of you? Do you feel safe to refuse? Is his reaction to sulk or do you fear more direct violence (bearing in mind that sulking is emotional violence)? What do you think would happen if you just left him to sulk?