why do I do all this self destructive stuff

[willeywontee]

I drink too much (bottle if wine and several cocktails a day) and binge eat. I go for days without washing, don't brush my teeth or wash my hair. I have unprotected sex and do stupid sexual kink stuff which I'm not even into with someone who makes me feel awful about myself, who won't commit to me and has somehow got me thinking I should be earn or be grateful/beg for his attention.

The alcohol is not the cause of the above, it's more a coping mechanism for the anxiety everything in my life causes me. I did not have a great childhood, quite emotionally neglectful, my mum was abusive and a hoarder and I was mostly shut out of any sort of emotional security.

I have completely pulled back from socialising. Even if friends want to see me I just feel so ashamed of myself and I don't know why. Feel I have nothing to say or be proud of.

I have had a lot of therapy though and I should know better than this. I am even having therapy now but I just feel so embarrassed to say some of these things.

Ironically I hold down a well paid high level job which I am committed to. I don't think to look at me you would ever think I was like this, except the times when I smell when I don;t wash.

Where do I even start? I don't know what the first step is? I have been on anti depressants before. They made me feel numb and didn't help with the binge eating. I feel like I am going the same way as my mum. I am 38. She was the same at my age. I used to look at her and think I'll never be like that. Now I feel like I am.

She is an obese hoarder now sitting at home lonely and bitter.

It's interesting that this is all coming up while you are actively in therapy. If it helps, a lot of my ugly stuff reared up while in therapy too. Rather than seeing it as 'I should know better' I wonder if it's more a symptom of your childhood resurfacing, a chance to feel the wound. Take care OP, try and take what you can to therapy. x

I really relate to this OP, I was neglected as a child and it has had lasting damage.
I think having a supportive counsellor is key, someone you can talk to without judgement.
I struggle with self care, but try to have some non negotiables - daily wash, clean clothes etc so they are not up for discussion. WOrth a try?

Mm have you checked out inattentive ADHD I was a little like this very impulsive put in anti depressants but one difference I couldn't hold down a career but I did have an autistic son to deal with. I didn't know for sure until my daughter was diagnosed. Please read upon on it x

I really recommend 'Keeping House While Drowning' and looking up the author KC Davies. Sending you a hug.

Check out Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube- she has great strategies for C-PTSD. She does suggest tackling over-drinking first. I find running helps too. Couch to 5k is a wonderful thingX

One thing that really stood out for me from your post was that you don't have anything that is just for you. Its like you've lost touch with yourself. Interests - gardening, music, art, crafts, hobbies. They aren't twee and irrelevant, they feed us, and help us connect with ourselves and without doing that its difficult to develop any kind of personality.

Every day find one picture you like for any reason (its a nice colour, its cute, its funny, its an interesting old building or whatever), and one piece of music you like on You Tube. Its nothing to do with anyone else, its just for you. Take note of one taste you like, and find one scent you like.
And timetable your day. Write out a timetable and include set times to wash, dress, clean, cook and eat. Allow yourself a glass of something to enjoy with your food if you like.
Find something constructive to do in the evening. Listen to an audiobook and crochet yourself a scarf.

You have to start somewhere, it may as well be here.

Also look up adhd in adult women.

Everything from addictions to eating disorder and a few other things.

I am being assessed for adhd myself.

Definitely look up Attachment Theory💕 Sending you love xxx

I think you should go back to the GP and discuss other medication as well as continue the counselling. Your behaviour including the alcohol, risk taking sexual activity and poor self care screams of self sabotage. Please try and take small steps in looking after yourself and remember that you totally deserve to have a good life

Did the anti depressants help you?

Trauma
ADHD

Knock the alcohol on the head completely, though, and you will suddenly realise how much it IS a massive part of the problem and causes a lot of the shit in your life.

Pour booze on top of trauma = self destruction and self loathing.

Pour booze on top of ADHD (especially the inattentive, shit- executive-function type that a lot of women have) = ridiculous impulsivity and inhibition followed by crushing self hatred.

I speak from experience.

Alcoholism , sex addiction, food addiction …you’re not dealing with your feelings. You’re
numbing out and running away chasing illusions and escape and fleeting highs.

OP please do look into the possibility of ADHD. The not washing for days, sex stuff and the drinking are very common indicators.

Particularly as you are also able to hold down a difficult job.

I'd read up on Adverse Childhood Experiences
www.healthscotland.scot/population-groups/children/adverse-childhood-experiences-aces/overview-of-aces

And look for some specialist trauma informed therapy.

Be kind to yourself too.

Why not write an email to your therapist? Literally just copy and paste your post here and say "I have some stuff I'm finding hard to bring up in our sessions" It's good for them to know what's really going on even if you're not ready to talk about it.

I think probs the thing that stood out to me most was the alcohol. I feel like if you focused on reduction / sobriety lots of the other things like anxiety, your sex life, social isolation etc would improve.

What do you think?

Op, please, please don't feel ashamed!

You really have no need, I promise.

When we have effective therapy, often things can get worse before they get better. If you can talk to your therapist about it, they can help you to manage the feelings and behaviours that aren't helpful to you.

I wonder if you're behaviour is triggered by the need to numb yourself to the emotions and memories you're addressing in therapy? Have you been taken through the value of naming the emotions and feelings you experience? It can be a really helpful first step.

I also have issues due to past trauma and have inattentive adhd and like other pp, what you've said made me think of both of these and it's worth checking out whether you think adhd can be at play here. There are other conditions of course that could tip you into self destructive behaviours, but if you look up adhd in girls and women you might find it interesting.

I'd like to encourage you to consider anti depressants again. Not all are made the same and you may well not have the same experience if you try a different type again. I've tried a few in the past, but when I became very unwell with depression a few years ago it took nearly a year to find ones that worked best for me. The difference they've made though is huge!

Forgive yourself, op. You do not deserve to treat yourself badly now and you there is nothing in your past that you could have done which would mean you deserve to treat yourself badly now.

Focus on tiny self-care steps. Focus on building up a little routine of brushing your teeth and having a wash before bed. It will help and in time it will start to become second nature. When I started doing this, it led me to start to feel self-cherished, which is a really important part in healing and helps on the really difficult days.

Don't beat yourself up, don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Try to find a way to bring this up with your therapist in a way in which you feel safe and together you can unpick the underlying triggers in a safe space.

What techniques can you - or do you - employ to make yourself feel a grounded or safe at home? These can be really helpful for helping to guide you away from destructive behaviours.

Not sure if you’re allowed to do this so this comment maybe deleted but I’m doing this course at the mo, it’s just really chilled vibe with loads of others going through this specific exact same thing. Definitely have a look, everyone’s so lovely and struggling with this stuff too. He has a YouTube channel too with some content on;

www.alanrobarge.com

Let me know if you need anything💕
xxx