Are my expectations unrealistic - husband and 4 year old?

[Antiquesroadshowison]

I feel like I'm the constant referee between my husband and 4 year old. Husband just can't manage any upset and is impatient and it's now at the point where he is looking to me to diffuse any minor tantrum or to intervene in any situation where my little one is not immediately doing what they're asked.

Examples are, my child gets annoyed that their lego blocks aren't clicking together, which results in tears. Husband huffs and puffs and says "for God's sake - stop taking them apart then!" Which results in more tears and upset until I get involved .

Child touches something they're not meant to, like a bin or something. Husband barks at him "stop that, hands off, get away from it, I said get away" which child ignores. He then says "they won't listen to me" I cheerfully say to child, "please don't touch bins, they're dirty" and he immediately stops.

We were recently on holiday and I was so embarrassed by this constant stream of orders at a child who is generally pretty compliant and well behaved. One night at the entertainment area the woman on the table next to us actually moved. And i feel sorry for my kid being nagged at like that all the time.

This results in me constantly nagging at my husband to change the way he speaks to our child, to be more cheerful, to make more effort with them instead of being on their phone all the time. I've asked him to read a book or two about parenting or join a Facebook group or two, and he always says OK to get me off his back, but never actually follows through.

Am I unrealistic here? Are all dad's like this? I don't think I can spend the rest of my life like this.

Dads are not like this. Immature bullies are like this. They can be mums and dads. He needs to get a fucking grip before he ruins your child’s childhood and self esteem. He’s in the process of destroying your marriage too because you must lack any respect for him.

He needs to immediately read a decent parenting book or go on a parenting course or you need to leave him.

This is so abusive.

No, not all dads are like described. Do you get similarly ordered about by this man like your son is?.

I presume you are walking on eggshells around this man just as much as your son is. You have a choice re this man, your child does not. I would actually consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce.

Do not spend the rest of your life playing referee nor further subject your child to such a bully of a man. I presume his own father and mother treated your now husband like this hence him behaving like this. There is no justification for him to treat his son like this and he is not a good husband to you either.

I feel so sad for your kid. I've heard other parents take this approach - I assume they don't realise every single word is negative and that obviously their kids ignore most orders as they can't keep up. It's horrible. Get as far away as possible from his unhappiness.

It's only my child he speaks to like this, never me - he actively avoids any "discussion" or argument - and yes, it's fair to say I'm losing respect for him. His mum is wonderful and has always been very kind to him, but he hasn't spoken to his dad since he was a teen, and if this continues I can see my child going the same way.

I don't have any family in this country - but am tough and self sufficient. Its so tricky because he adores our child, wouldn't put them in a kids club at all on holiday because he felt too guilty, worries all the time that they might get hurt or whether they have enough friends etc, but then can't communicate with them at all - which is becoming clearer the older they get

I follow mostly gentle and responsive parenting approaches as much as I can, and take being a good parent really seriously, so wondered if I had set my expectation too high.

What does his mum think of how he treats his child?

From observation, when parents have such different styles of parenting, the kid ends up messed up. Because of overcompensation & ever-increasing polarisation.

"Its so tricky because he adores our child, wouldn't put them in a kids club at all on holiday because he felt too guilty, worries all the time that they might get hurt or whether they have enough friends etc, but then can't communicate with them at all - which is becoming clearer the older they get".

And do you really believe him?. His actions belie his words. More likely he does not want to pay for his child to go into a kids club because he is too tight. And as for him adoring his kid, well its perfectly clear that he does not and wants to act as some sort of bully around him. Stop hand wringing and start rebuilding your lives without this man in it day to day because he will single handedly destroy your kid's self worth right in front of your very eyes. Your son trusts you, he does not trust his dad.

BTW is his mum still with his dad?. History too has a nasty habit of repeating itself.

Your poor child will grow up with anxiety from walking on eggshells their whole life.

I'd tell him he needs to take a parenting class and having counselling to address his anger and lack of patience

If he refuses, or it fails, I'd sadly leave.

You really need to sit him down and tell him how much this isn’t okay and how you won’t put up with it any longer. If he loves his child he’ll listen and find better ways to communicate it than constant criticism and nagging. It’s bullying is what it is. And it’s going to be the internal voice your child is developing. Janet Lansbury’s book No Bad Kids is short and easy to read, it’s a few hours start to finish.

If you’ve tried talking to him and he hasn’t listened then I’d write a list of all the things he picks your DC up on over the course of a day. Maybe he needs to see it written down.

I do believe how much he cares for our child yes, the kids club on holiday was free so not a case of not wanting to pay. I don't think he wants to be a bully - I think it's more that he's lazy and doesn't know how to communicate with little kids and hasn't put any effort into finding out

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you, that's a good suggestion

I do think some dads are like that - probably because their own dads were. Not that it makes it ok, of course.

I don't think your expectations are too high - you sound like a great and skilled parent.

I think you need a serious talk to him to make him understand that this is a potential dealbreaker for you. Then couples counselling together to work it through, and help him develop some better parenting strategies.

You probably already know this book, but I'd highly recommend him reading How To Talk To Kids So That Kids Will Listen. It is very to the point, and the strategies are highly effective - so if he does try them, they are highly likely to work.

Sounds like your bloke has fixed ideas on how boys are raised. History will repeat itself if this bullying continues.

Sit down with him when you have time and talk through it. Explain the impact it's having on his relationship with his child and with you. If he really doesn't see the issue then you have to question whether he's a positive part of your life.