Reached tipping point of narc mother,

[Narcmotherhelp]

How do people deal/cope with a cold narcissistic mother?
I feel daft as I know people experience so much worse but I have had enough and feel helpless. This may not even make sense as I'm just spewing put everything in frustration.
For the last 10 years, the 'relationship' between us has reached rock bottom and I can now honestly admit(?) And realise I have no care for her what so ever after years of abuse and insult.
I feel embarrassed and guilty to talk about this as I had a privileged life growing up, with holidays and lovely things. My mother has always been 'cold' and 'shouty' and never really gave much affection. 10 years ago my brother was born (16 year age gap). This is where things began to change massively.
Myself and 2 sisters were pushed aside, I met my partner when he was around a year old and began staying at his some night, I came home one night to my tiny box room which could only fit my bed and wardrobe, with his cot in their. This was now his room too...(or just his room as my mother probably wanted).
I've been the front of insults, and even had remarks made towards my 5mth old daughter in the past. Told I will achive nothing whilst I was working part time with a young baby and living independently with my partner. Had calls ignored, boundaries broken, been gaslighted.
Christmas last year we all got covid and couldn't do our food shop the week before Christmas!! As you can imagine, no click and collects, nothing!! She still wouldn't go shopping for us, and told myself to just 'just go no-one will know'. Luckily a good friend came to our rescue.
I've worked hard to become the person I am today, I suffered with depression around the age of 16 and more or less achieved nothing in school. I decided to go back to college with my daughter (juggling studing fulltime during lockdown, working at the time also, running a house and going though with buying and decorating put home). I have completed an extended diploma, I found a part time job when my daughter was a year old to do my bit, bought my family home, am engaged to an amazing man, I work hard everyday and have amazing friends and family.
I am just baffled and after an insulting encounter today with no reason whatsoever, I just want to cut all contact and enjoy my life without the added stress of this cold horrible woman.
My daughter has some what of a relationship with her, do I say I cannot do this anymore and leave it fizzle out? Or keep it with STRICT boundaries just simply for my daughter? I am at a loss of what to do but cannot face this woman anymore and feel the older she gets, the worse she is becoming.

Protect your dd and cut contact with your mother.

God she sounds awful. Similar here she nasty. Elderly now. I call but minimal. I couldnt be long in her company. Go low contact if its too much

I do low contact anyway. We met today and was insulted for no reason and i was actually speechless. I cant believe it.

So so jealous of strong and healthy loving daughter relationships. I am so lucky for the amazing friends and family I do have.

Hello. Bless you. My mum is absolutely useless at being emotional, kind and caring. She's had 4 daughters we are aged 33-51 and honestly she's clearly uncomfortable with having daughters. You can see her cringing and unable to be loving. No hugs. No kisses. No praise. Very uncomfortable at us showing emotion sadness and the like. Very bossy and wants us to follow her lead.
She's been a house wife 40 years. Wiping worktops and doing packups has been her life. Routine and no hobbies. She wasn't very inspirational and certainly didn't equipt us for adult life.

I basically don't see her much. I get defensive if she starts. I carry on being me and if she winds me up now I ignore her and go silent. When I had my daughter 7 years ago I stewed on it. Particularly when I was pregnant. I wanted the motherly support and she made me feel awkward and uncomfortable throughout with her own awkwardness and controlling ideas. It woke me up and the first 2 years after she was born I continued to stew. When my son was born it sounds awful but I knew she didn't have boys and I felt like I had something she didn't and therefore she couldn't control me. I feel much better these days. At 34 I'm feeling in control alot more.

Awful. What age is she. Its hard yes. I tell her little now. Moods when its not her way

Yeah, the insults and nastiness outweigh any praise. She has no friends, only just sarted getting hobbies and marriage is falling apart.

I do look sometimes and ask why do i get such a negative reaction when i am blessed in so many ways, but its your mother, the one your taught is meant to look after you, support you and be there no matter what. And what have i recieved? F all

46, but has been awful and gettinf worse for the last 10 years. Cold, constantly shouting for my whole life

OP, my mother was also a narcissist, who never loved either of her children - or anyone except herself. I finally went no contact with her when I was pregnant with DD1, and never saw her again. She died about 4 years later, and I didn’t go to the funeral. I had no regrets whatever, apart from wishing I’d done it sooner.
You are under no obligation to keep seeing someone who treats you like shit. And I would protect your child from her too.
Narcs either emotionally abuse their grandkids too, or groom them as weapons to use against you. Either way, best avoided.

You'll be surprised how many people have parents without all the skills to parent. Perhaps it makes them human. But it's essential for people to grow up with the emotional support as well as the rest. My mum was able to care for us with food and cleaning the home etc. She kept us safe. But she made me feel very uncomfortable with myself for years. She affected me going out as a teenager and dancing rhe night away in a dress feeling beautiful. Because she made me feel fat. Ugly. Like I didn't have the personality for that kind of thing.

Its not fair. I get alot of support from 2 of my female friends. They are the ones I express myself too the most.

You say: I feel embarrassed and guilty to talk about this as I had a privileged life growing up with holidays and lovely things.

And then you say: My mother has always been 'cold' and 'shouty' and never really gave much affection.

No amount of holidays and lovely things can make up for the appalling way she treated you. You didn't have a privileged upbringing at all, and you have nothing to feel guilty or embarrassed about.

This has made me cry. I always feel i coukd never stand there and scream about how i feel as i will get youre such an ungrateful ....
It breaks me. And i know they think god all weve done yet...

I cant get over it

My situation had some similarities to yours and both my parents were downright nasty. They called me for everything to all relatives, they did a lot of damage and upset my lovely uncle & aunt whose daughter had died at the age I was then. They ignored my DDs, told people the professional qualifications I’d worked so hard for were worthless. I think they said worse, judging by the reaction of a relative’s wife I met for the first time at my uncle’s funeral.
Eventually to protect myself and my DDs I cut all contact with them, never regretted it, they were truly awful people.
Put yourself and your dc first.

It’s actually crazy because a lot of what you’re saying sounds like my mom to a T. No accountability for abuse, no apology- I am still labelled as the ‘off the rails teen’ who had a whole bunch of mental health issues at a very young age. My daughter is also about to turn one and I decided after minimal deliberation to simply go no contact. That is honestly the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Visualise your childhood and how you were treated. Would you like your daughter to be influenced by that same negativity? Narcissists cannot be helped and reasoning doesn’t exist in their eyes. I’ve just had to accept I will never have a loving mother, but what I can do is become one and ensure I never repeat the horrendous things I had to go through growing up with a narc mother. There really needs to be more info out there about this because it is genuinely soul destroying and I feel like at 23 I am only just feeling like my own person. Her voice remains in my head, constantly juxtaposing my decisions and telling me I’m not good enough. I do get pangs of guilt and have received some sideways glances from other family members, but I just remind myself that nobody else has ever experienced her toxicity in the way I have and genuinely seen beneath her mask. I am about to start university, too and she pretty much told me I will never be successful. That was enough for me. All advice I can give you is please choose yourself and your child, not what you think society wants you to do. It’s so hard realising that your mother will never truly love you, but it’s super empowering once you come to full terms with it. Sending you so much love and strength! ❤️

I've just started reading this book on my Kindle. It's quite helpful and illuminating - I haven't got to the strategies part yet but it's been illuminating for me. Think it was £3 but worth a read. So sorry about your situation,

Hard going. I call out the bad behaviour a few years ago just another row. They dont change. My aunt says she was always difficult. Dont worry op people see through them) she 80

If she is too toxic/difficult/batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your child too. Stop having anything to do with your mother and keep your child well away from her too.

It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with someone like your mother and its not your fault she is the ways she is. You did not make her that way. Have a read of the website called Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and read Reddits thread called Raised by Narcissists. The book that eyeoresancerre has recommended by Danu Morrigan is well worth reading.

Thank you all so much.
Me venting about the event today has caused an argument between me and dp now, i am annoyed it seems he will not defend me when remarks have been made. His reply is "im just done with the drama".

Im trying to explain, its not drama but pure insult and abuse, which by myself setting boundairies and standing up for myself doesnt work.

Had a gutsful and would be happy if she disapeared into thin air

It IS simply insult and abuse, you will be right there. Other people on the sidelines don’t always see the ferocity, especially as they are rarely the target.

She will never change. Distance yourself. Go NC if you want. You don’t have to put up with the crap.

For myself, I have had periods of NC with my mother. My child was also taken out of contact with her too!! I wasn’t gonna do drop offs and the like! Abuse me, you don’t get a chance to upset me again by seeing my child either!

These days am Low contact. See her a few times a year and speak on the phone every 2-3 weeks. I will never trust her to be normal, she just can’t. Don’t tell her my deep thoughts. Or share all my life. Just superficial stuff. It’s sad. But she made her bed. Going NC has a lot to recommend it, but it depends on your circumstances.

It's not fair of you to expect your partner to defend you against your mother. Her behaviour is not his responsibility.

I say this as gently as possible, but this has evolved into a "you" problem, op. You are bringing all this to your doorstep at this point, and I realise it's due to the FOG, (fear, obligation, guilt). You keep hoping things will change. They will not.

You have to once and for all admit to yourself that your mother will never change, she will never be the mum that you need, and there is nothing you can do to fix any of this. You need to walk away from her entirely. If your mum was a cancer living in your body, you would cut her out. This is exactly what she is.

When I finally went NC with my mother OH breathed a sigh of relief. It does affect the whole family. It wasn't easy I had to go ex directory she still got hold of my number. Got hold of my new address. Friend in the NHS obliged. She even gave up I get the odd letter which OH opens glances at and bins for me

Hi OP. Just another MNer adding my name to the list of women with challenging mothers. The DARVO, the FOG, the gaslighting, sometimes it can feel unbearable and can push us to the edge of sanity.

Your experience with your DH isn't uncommon I don't think. People not from abusive backgrounds don't get it, growing up with nurturing or even just benign parents they can't understand the mindfuck of having a parent like this. And they can find it irritating and even toxic at times because they only hear offloading and don't realise its your cry for help. That's the double whammy of having a parent like this, you take the abuse from the parent but can be isolated in dealing with the fallout.

I finally went NC with my DM 7 years ago after 40 years of abuse, not only directly but having my name blackened through the family so I'd have nobody to turn to. I allowed her back in 2 years ago with very strict boundaries so she could get to know the DC (once they were old enough not to be too impressionable) but after getting her feet back under the table she has slowly reverted to her old tricks, pushed at my boundaries to see what she could get away with and escalated to her pre NC level so I had to put a stop to it, she's out of our lives again. Its sad, she's elderly but she can't change, the only thing thats changed is how I react (calmly walk away, no drama, don't give it any oxygen).

What made the difference was educating myself on how to deal with people like this, its hard at first because of the way we've been conditioned and the FOG but its possible and life changing. Realise that we can't change them, we can only change ourselves and developing healthy boundaries to protect our emotional health isn't selfish or cruel.

For practical help I can recommend CBT, counselling with someone impartial is really useful when struggling to get her out of your head. Also books I have read at various points and refer back to when needed:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward,
A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson,
Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberley Roth,
Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason,
The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck by Sarah Knight.
How to Have Impossible Conversations by Boghossian & Lindsay is also useful.

Something else that might help you straight away and won't cost a penny. When you have some time to yourself try to picture a big piece of glass in front of you, if you like slowly add details, maybe lettering, a fancy frame, is it bulletproof glass etc. Its your glass, make it appealing, pretty or threatening or however you like but focus on that glass being impenetrable. When you spend time with your DM, visualise your glass, watch her words and attitudes bounce off it, if your glass cracks fix it but don't let it shatter, she can't penetrate it. The more you do it the easier it is and IME it helps to deaden the impact.

People from functional emotionally healthy families can have a hard timeunderstanding any of he power and control (i.e. abuse) dynamics being played out here by your mother towards you.

As Aquamarine has written, "you have to once and for all admit to yourself that your mother will never change, she will never be the mum that you need, and there is nothing you can do to fix any of this. You need to walk away from her entirely".

You have to let go of all and any residual hope that she will change; it is this hope that keeps you in this dynamic with her. You to her are one source of narcissistic supply; cut that supply level off from her entirely. She trained you to put your own needs last and installed the fear, obligation and guilt buttons in you which need to be removed. You will also need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Yes very draining dealing with them. Actually mine a bit quieter lately as we not reacting to the drama. People dont get it if their parent is easy

I swear mines a witch I mentioned her on here yesterday and a letter arrived this morning. One also sent to my DB. OH read the letter for me and binned it. DB has messaged he's done something for her. I'm post operation so housebound anyway

Just cut contact: what is she adding to your life?