Fed up!

[Sydney0101]

Fed up of my husband expecting me to literally do everything yet isn't willing to pull his own weight around the house or the bedroom.

I am so tired of having to spell everything out to him and him still choosing to basically ignore and continue making himself super comfortable at my expense.

It's like he drags himself to do the most basic stuff and it's like I have to praise him at the end of it all when I do everything 24/7.

He guilt trips me or gaslights me when I bring it up and he can see how exhausted I am but just sits there waiting for the house to magically get clean and his food to magically be done (I do all this).

I don't feel like I have a husband, I feel like I have another child to look after.

Regarding bedroom, we use to have a lot of sexual chemistry and had sex all the time. However, he's let himself go and barely washes himself and it's really starting to show because he does smell & doesn't bother making an effort with basic needs/ hygiene. He constantly asks me for a BJ but I don't want to give it to him anymore because I don't know how to let him know in a polite way that his thing smells and he needs to start taking better care of himself.

Our marriage is sexless atm and I feel depressed about it because I don't feel that chemistry or I just don't want to have sex with someone who smells & expects so much off me yet isn't willing to give the same energy back.

He jokes I am all sudden such a feminist but I don't feel I am asking for much. What should I just bow down and become this oppressive wife who cooks, cleans and gives him Bj & sex every time he asks but doesn't get anything back.

I have stuck with him through so much but now I really feel like I am living with a mate rather than a husband.

Has anyone experienced similar stuff or if anyone has any nice advise how I can approach all this in a polite manner.

I don't want to lose my marriage or my family and really hoping this is something that can be fixed.

OP, in the most polite way possible, your DH doesn't respect you nor love you the way you want him to because if he does, he won't let you suffer.

Why are you thinking you need to 'politely' ask him to do a basic decency for another human being? You are not his mum, and if my 7 year old sees me suffer, she will chip in to help.

I know what I'd tell him about his smelly penis and it would not be pretty. Tell him he stinks and you've stopped fancying him. Let him have it woman.

This ain't fixable. Time to throw this one back.

He is not being very polite to you with his behaviour in all parts of the house. If he wants politeness and respect he needs to give it out too.

I have ZERO experience in a relationship like this, but I would say that you need to tell your husband that you need to have a conversation with him, where there will be no interruptions like a TV or kids.

You need to have a plan of what you are going to say. You also need to be prepared for some responses that you do not like. They could also be the responses to help you decide if the marriage is worth fighting for.

I would start with some questions. Things like: Do you think you have a good life? Do you love our family? Do you think you contribute equally to the family’s day to day running?

This conversation can only work if you both agree that each person gets to say their piece and air any grievances without interruption. Use a timer - you could go for 10 minutes each, to start. Or you could opt for 2 minutes at a time, breaking off mid sentence if necessary.

Whatever you decide, an interruption causes a strike - or even maybe an termination of the meeting. Upto you, but be confident of how you want it to go.

It’s so disrespectful. No one can be expected to take something like this.

If he isn’t required to do anything, and there are no consequences, why should he change?

Not judging, lots of sympathy for you. How long have you endured this?

That's what I tell him always " I am not your mum" or he'll "joke" I'll go to mums & she'll do everything for me so I'm like ok go then and let her deal with you.

He lived alone before me and did all these things alone but because I am a woman and I need to have the house clean I just think he's taken full advantage of that.

I do need to stop being such a sucker as well and not allow him to make me feel bad when he does do something

I like this idea, will actually try it.

Today I had a complete meltdown over everything and he starts picking things up like "does this count".

I genuinely think it's out of pure laziness and the fact someone else can do it. I've told him numerous times, I would love for someone to clean up and cook for me also but someone has to do it and he needs to up his game and match mine

What i would say to that is "go and ask your mum to suck your dick as well then"

Typically, advice given is to be very blunt and you clearly aren't ready for that since you are asking for polite phrasing. The best approach is to be very calm, but very black and white. Tell him that your sex life has dried up, you are not happy about it either but it will require effort from both of you to get it all back on track. Tell him you are resenting him asking for BJs when he hasn't had the courtesy to shower first (also ask him would he want to go down on you if you hadn't showered for days), resenting him expecting you to do it all around the house that you both live in. Tell him that these are 2 examples of resentment building up and pushing you apart but that are easily fixed - it isn't difficult to shower daily nor to do housework (after all, as you said, he has BTDT with doing housework on his own). Tell him that if nothing changes your marriage will deteriorate- its not a threat, just a fact.

Definitely does feel disrespectful.

We've lived together for 5 years now