Honestly don’t know how to start this but I have come to a stage in my life where I don’t enjoy anything . The only things that bring me pure love and joy (and stress because they are little tinkers) are my dogs .
mic had a turbulent family upbringing where my mum is borderline I’m sure and I know my dad is narcissistic . My sister is the golden child and I have always been the black sheep or scape goat.
iv always been creative or gone off travelling, always made lots of friends but always seem to attract ones that wanted to party , do drugs or drama or were not very nice sleeping with say my boyfriends . My whole twenties were turbulent. With three disaster relationships who were either narcissist or cheats. I didn’t go through with a Pregnancy because of homey no family and I’m the oldest of three children and I’m now 36 . My so called family never really cared about me . Now my other siblings had children they totally left me out . Everything was about them and the kids . I was always over compensating trying see my mum and dad always the one ringing . They would look after my sisters kids every week and I asked them once to look after my dog and they said it was ‘too hard work’ .
iv always had to do things by myself . I cut ties with all of them last July and my sister and my relationship is unreparable now . Iv lost count of the times iv tried to be accepted . She had me bullied at school. She was always the favourite . My brother made up lies about me last year . I spent Christmas on my own struggling with covid and he didn’t even text to see how I was on Christmas Day but dispute it , it was a lovely Christmas just me and my dogs and watching them unwrap little presents that I’d bought them . I have a good job , my Own beautiful little cotttage just somewhere where there’s woods and I can be around nature . I love my little dogs and we go on adventures every week together but sometimes I look on Facebook getting angry about everything and bitter . Particularly at my family and friends. I only have 3 friends now and iv felt like I beg to see them. One just uses time to ring about her broken down relationship, the other always never wants to see me and the other has two kids and does see me when she can and we have dog meet ups (I’m aware people have lives) but iv honestly felt in the last two years a massive shift of how I perceive everyone . Iv cut every fake drama friendship out my life bar these 3 people , I read spiritual books about self healing , so gardening and walk my dogs and it’s been 13 months single fully on my own which I do enjoy 90 % of the time because I’m trying to heal years of trauma but I can’t help but question myself . I’m literally angry at everyone . Angry at my friends for being let downs and feeling like they use me when they want something . Angry at work when people are incapable of treating people with respect , using people , angry when I see no one likes any of my dog pictures on social media or answers any questions when iv asked for help but then noticed the same people who are on my social media are all over other peoples photos . Like why do I even have these people on there ? I can go weeks without speaking to someone . Honestly sometimes feel like I want to disappear with my dogs . Iv had counsiling for stuff in the past but I feel like everyone blames me or avoids me and I’m constantly bitter or complaining . I’m literally only skimming I thin layer of ice with this story but basically there’s instances where , I had a friend iv known and grown up with , I always used to go out my way to do things for her . She ignores messages and she was coming home from Thailand and didnt bother telling me . It was only when I messaged her she said ‘oh I’m coming home we should meet up ! Shed ignored previous messages months before and so I thought ‘if she’s home shel message if she really wanted to meet up ‘ and low and behold she hasn’t . I shouldn’t have to beg to see friends . I asked one the other day if she fancies a trip out . She let me down but she manages to see other friends . I text another yesterday after not hearing off her and she hasn’t replied and it’s now the next day afternoon . Iv just deleted her number I literally cannot be bothered anymore with people.
I do Believe everyone is just bodding around blissfully blind and ignorant in their own selfish self absorbed lives posting ‘look what iv got ‘ ‘look how happy we are’ when the town I live in is small and everyone knows they are not happy .
i Think I get mad because I don’t have the help support from family like most people I see or friendships like I see bombarded on my Facebook and whenever I reach out someone ignores me . Iv decided to start deleting everyone on my Facebook . I don’t have any other social media like Instagram or Snapchat anymore because it was so egotistical and fills your brain with utter shite .
maybe I just don’t fit in anymore and this part of my journey is meant to be lonely . I’m just feeling very angry and let down by people right now
thank you for reading xx