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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I had a relationship with a married man

98 replies

SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 16:16

I know this thread will attract a lot of negative comments and maybe I need that but mostly I need advice on what to do or how to move past this.
Apologies for the length, I’ve tried to explain it all.

I met a man about 3 years ago through mutual friends, we instantly got on like a house on fire. He’s married (7 years, no kids) but it didn’t mean anything as we were solely friends, we became really close and he started to confide in my about his problems at home. He would tell me how unhappy he was, how he got married too young, rushed into it and now him and his wife are different people and their life is just not a marriage. He said his life is not what he wanted it to be, he would talk about how he really wanted children and she didn’t and how his life feels so empty. He told me it’s rare they would have sex, maybe a couple of times a year on the typical ‘special occasions’ and they would often argue and sleep in separate rooms.. whenever they would talk about it, they would say they would try to make things better.. but it would always go back to how it was.

Trying to be a friend, I gave him advice on what may help improve things or if he wanted to walk away that would be fine too, a lot of marriages end. It’s still just a friendship for us at this point.

fast forward another six months and we start to spend more time together and I realise I’ve developed feelings for him. I tried to ignore this but it becomes apparent he also has feelings for me.
we both knew it was wrong but couldn’t stay away from each other and we began seeing each other romantically and in all honesty, it was amazing. I’ve never felt happiness like I had when we would be together, we would spend as much time as possible together and I fell in love with him, completely. It wasn’t just sex, we would have days out at the beach, meals at restaurant, long walks together etc. I knew he was still unhappy in his marriage but we didn’t really talk about it, almost as if we ignored it it wouldn’t be there.
we would talk about our future together and I saw such a change in him, from the miserable, depressive man I met 3 years ago, to this really happy, positive loving man.

we would spend time together and he would get visibly upset that he would have to leave and return to his ‘normal life’. He would tell me over and over again that he wanted to be with me and only me, that he saw his future with me.

A year in I decided I needed him to actually commit to me and told him this. He said he will find a way to end his marriage. He didn’t want to tell her he’d fallen in love with someone else as he didn’t want to hurt her even more than ending the marriage would.
weeks went by and no change. I told him we can’t go on like this and he said that he wants to be with me more than anything, but can’t leave her, he feels so guilty and he would rather he suffers in a life that makes him unhappy, than put her through the pain of a divorce.

I genuinely believe he is unhappy in his marriage but I just can’t understand why he won’t leave if he does. I understand that he doesn’t want to hurt her, but he’s hurting both of them by carrying on with such an unhappy life.
I obviously told him that if he can’t commit to solely me then I have to walk away, it can’t keep going on like this.

I just want to hear peoples opinions? Have I been an idiot? Has anyone had anything like this?
Do I do anything? Tell the wife?
what do I do about him? Just cut him out my life? Try and be friends? See if he ends his marriage? Please help :(

OP posts:
feellikeanalien · 10/07/2022 17:45

So there are no children, they sleep separately and have no sex and his wife is quite happy with this and would be devastated if he left.

Seven years is not a long time to be married. Is he intending to stay with her in misery for the next 20 years or so? How much worse for her will it be if she discovers his affair in 5 or ten years time and realises that she has wasted her life on a cheat and a liar.

I'm afraid you're being played OP.

Is she very wealthy or from a wealthy family?

Unless he is very opposed to divorce (and if so he would be unlikely to be having an affair) I don't know how you can possibly believe him. I know when you're in love you do anything to convince yourself that something is true but you need to think of yourself and your future. He is obviously happy to string two women along so I think you need to wake up and walk away for your own good.

Lostoldusername · 10/07/2022 17:46

Whilst he still has you at his beck and call, he's not going to end things is he!
They don't have children, so it's easier to split than if they did, especially if he truly is unhappy.
You need to be firm and tell him that unless he has left her by the end of the week, you don't want to hear from him again.

Cyclebabble · 10/07/2022 17:47

Hi OP. I suspect I am very much older than you. If I had a fiver for every time a married man told me or one of my friends that a)his wife didn't understand him and that b) his marriage was dead (when it clearly was not) I would be very rich. He has reeled you in using a technique not dissimilar to grooming. You have been very nieve to fall for it. Cut your losses now and dump him. Unless you want to continue to be his bit on the side- which I fear is what you will be for ever.

Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:47

I’ve seen them together, and he’s so quiet.. not the same person I know.

OP posts:
Fupa · 10/07/2022 17:47

You’ve fallen for the oldest story in the book I’m afraid.

Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:50

Thank you for this. You’re totally right.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:51

You’re so right with this.
I think because we were friends before any of this and he shared a lot about how his marriage was (long before anything happened between us) that I believed that. But everyone is so right when they’re saying ‘if he wanted to have left he would’

OP posts:
EltonsSpareGlasses · 10/07/2022 17:52

SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:47

I’ve seen them together, and he’s so quiet.. not the same person I know.

Probably the guilt and awkwardness eating him up his wife and mistress in the same place

Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:53

ArtistViv · 10/07/2022 16:39

Maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he isn't. I think in this instance, you need to look at what you DO know, instead of focusing on what you don't. You do know he's married, and you do know he's said he can't leave his wife. Please believe him.

It will be very hard to remain friends with him - you'll always be hoping for more and things will most likely segway back to you being 'the other woman', once again.

I've never been in this situation myself, but a friend has. It went on and on and on for many years. He never left his wife, and my friend gave up most of her 30's and early 40's to this guy (she desperately wanted kids and never ended up having them due to wasting so much time on the married guy). If you remain in his life, what are you giving up? Because it sounds like there's already been a price to pay for you in terms of personal happiness... there always is in these instances. Is it worth it?

Sorry if this sounds trite... but life only moves in one direction for all of us. Imagine you're 80 years old, thus knowing you're possibly nearing the end of time here. What would the advice to yourself be with regards to this?

Happiness is sometimes making a really hard decision when it means we're going to be heartbroken for a while.

Thank you so much for this. I can really relate to what you’re saying - when it comes to it, I have gave up so much already, the main one being happiness and a chance at a proper life with someone else because I’ve been ‘waiting for him’

I really appreciate your reply.

OP posts:
balalake · 10/07/2022 17:56

You've been duped, painful I realise, hope you find the decent man who must exist somewhere.

RiverSkater · 10/07/2022 17:56

He's a walking talking cliche and so are you.

Didimum · 10/07/2022 18:00

Oh OP. You weren’t just ‘friends’. Please stop deceiving yourself - hasn’t he deceived you enough already? Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we? You were having an emotional affair for months and then it turned physical affair.

He was priming you for sex and extra-marital fun times and you decided another person’s feelings and pain didn’t matter as long as you got what you wanted.

Move on and find a way to be a better person. End of.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 10/07/2022 18:01

This is really good advice, OP. Don't waste any more of your precious time on this man. He doesn't have the usual ties (children) that would make leaving difficult and you have kept faith with what he's saying to you. Look at his actions (or lack thereof) and let those guide what you do next.

He doesn't love either of you. Men who love their wives do not cheat on them.

CheesusWept · 10/07/2022 18:03

What a sad cliché.

Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 18:05

I think all these replies where what I needed to hear. Thank you to everyone that has replied.

i read my post back and tried to imagine a friend or my sister telling me that and I would be saying the same thing. Get out.

your replies have given me the push to block and delete his number.

OP posts:
DragonflyNights · 10/07/2022 18:08

You have presumably had long term relationships before? So you must know that the infatuation stage is different to the deeper, committed, long term stage? What you are describing with him is the infatuation stage, removed from any real commitment or life stuff - like who takes the bins out or who does the washing up. The shared life bit is what he has with his wife. The early-stage dating type stuff is what he is doing with you.

He doesn’t have kids and claims he wants them but his wife doesn’t, that alone should be enough for him to have ended the marriage, particularly if the rest is as terrible as he is making out. If he actually was that unhappy and that incompatible with his wife and you and him were what he wanted the whole thing would be a no brainer for him - he’d have left months ago.

Hes played you and of course he didn’t go right into affair territory with you! Of course he spent time first laying the groundwork to air his gripes about his wife. And enjoy your attention at work. And of course he acted quiet while you were both in the same room (presumably unless you were spying on them). He wouldn’t want to contradict the pack of lies he told you.

The change you saw in him is more than likely happiness that he was getting sex and romantic walks on the beach with you and also a marriage and stability and someone to go back to for day to day life. For someone like that it’s a pretty sweet set up. You seem to think you’ve saved him from deep unhappiness in a terrible marriage. This is clearly bollocks or he’d have left her for you.

Sorry but open your eyes, you’ve been played for a fool.

Original poster
SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 18:11

DragonflyNights · 10/07/2022 18:08

You have presumably had long term relationships before? So you must know that the infatuation stage is different to the deeper, committed, long term stage? What you are describing with him is the infatuation stage, removed from any real commitment or life stuff - like who takes the bins out or who does the washing up. The shared life bit is what he has with his wife. The early-stage dating type stuff is what he is doing with you.

He doesn’t have kids and claims he wants them but his wife doesn’t, that alone should be enough for him to have ended the marriage, particularly if the rest is as terrible as he is making out. If he actually was that unhappy and that incompatible with his wife and you and him were what he wanted the whole thing would be a no brainer for him - he’d have left months ago.

Hes played you and of course he didn’t go right into affair territory with you! Of course he spent time first laying the groundwork to air his gripes about his wife. And enjoy your attention at work. And of course he acted quiet while you were both in the same room (presumably unless you were spying on them). He wouldn’t want to contradict the pack of lies he told you.

The change you saw in him is more than likely happiness that he was getting sex and romantic walks on the beach with you and also a marriage and stability and someone to go back to for day to day life. For someone like that it’s a pretty sweet set up. You seem to think you’ve saved him from deep unhappiness in a terrible marriage. This is clearly bollocks or he’d have left her for you.

Sorry but open your eyes, you’ve been played for a fool.

Thanks for your reply.
I know you’re right, along with so many other PP’s.
I haven’t talked to anyone about this and it’s only when you put it out there you realise how absolutely stupid you’ve been. I re read my thread and if my sister or friends said that to me, I would say what an idiot.
I haven’t said anything to him, but blocked and deleted his number.

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 10/07/2022 18:11

Sorry, you’ve been played. If he wanted to leave, he would. He stays because he wants to but enjoys having you on the side. He can't even site kids as a reason for staying 💐

Speedweed · 10/07/2022 18:13

SpringEquinox84 · 10/07/2022 17:51

You’re so right with this.
I think because we were friends before any of this and he shared a lot about how his marriage was (long before anything happened between us) that I believed that. But everyone is so right when they’re saying ‘if he wanted to have left he would’

Thing is, OP, you weren't friends. You were being a friend but he was softening you up with all this 'poor me in my terrible marriage' stuff as he was testing you out. What possible advice could an unmarried person give him about making a marriage work??! (TBH, if you're a single woman and a man ever 'confides' in you about his marriage, and you're not his sister - run. Always run.)

Agree with all the pp that unfortunately this is all an affair cliche 101. But also when you do walk away and he realises you're serious about ending things, regardless of whether you agree to be friends, be prepared to find yourself gradually squeezed out of the friendship group - you know too much, and with you there he won't be able to make this play on another woman as it will be too obvious.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/07/2022 18:14

Cheque’s in the post.

my wife doesn’t understand me.

if I am elected I will make life better for everyone.

three oldest lies in the book!

DragonflyNights · 10/07/2022 18:19

It’s good you’ve blocked him. It’s likely he’ll up the ante when he realises and try to contact you and make more promises. Don’t fall for it and don’t allow him to charm you back. It’s not good that this happened but you can learn from this and find someone who will be a real partner to you. Good luck.

OldTinHat · 10/07/2022 18:20

He's lying to his wife about seeing you. Have you thought that he's also capable of lying to you about his relationship with his wife?

Classic script, cake and eating it. Don't be a mug anymore. He won't leave her for you.

And remember that a man who leaves his wife for a mistress is creating a vacancy. Voice of experience, trust me.

Gather up the last of your dignity and block him.

Aikko · 10/07/2022 18:20

This man has been stringing you along for years, I bet he can't believe his luck.
His actions speak volumes, he's happy to continue with the status quo... .

I suggest you forget about this one, move on with your life and find someone unattached and who is willing to commit.

Hesma · 10/07/2022 18:21

A man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy…

newhere989 · 10/07/2022 18:22

Don't give any more time to this man. Think about what you want.

You don't want years to go by being the other woman, sacrificing your wishes for a man who will never commit to you. (Sadly, this does happen. My uncle has had a childless, unmarried mistress for about 40 years. My whole family hates her and calls her every name you could think of. But really, who is the ass here? Her who sacrificed everything to live alone and occasionally sleep with him when he wants it? Or him, who lives with his wife who does everything for him and his kids but also has a bit on the side?)

Don't let this be you OP please, even if you think you love him