What shall I do?

[Whatshallidolottie]

Ex and I split up a few weeks ago after an awful argument - all down to him. It’s was abusive and horrendous.

Since then he has ignored me and my sincere efforts to end things amicably or to speak. He popped up last week to say he missed me and we needed time apart. He said he couldn’t handle my moaning. He doesn’t seem to understand his actions cause a lot to hurt. He’s massively avoidant. Well into his 40s and never lived with anyone and only had one relationship prior.

He wants us to meet next week and has stopped talking to me in the meantime. He said he booked a holiday for himself later in summer which was a double slap in the face as I had spent months looking at holidays for us - due to pandemic we couldn’t go away for a long time and my mental health needed a break due to an extremely stressful two years for me.

I am so unbelievably hurt by his actions. There’s more I won’t say due to outing.

I fluctuate between uncontrollable anger to sadness. He never does anything to meet my needs. It’s all about him. He’s super detached.

I don’t know whether to send him an email telling him how awful he has been and how much hurt he has caused. After all why let him get off lightly thinking it’s an incompatibility problem? It’s all him. I couldn’t have been any more forgiving or understanding.

Or shall I ignore him now as he has done to me for weeks on end? That may be sweeter. But it means he gets off without me telling some home truths.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m so hurt that someone can behave like this. I’m feeling very vulnerable and sad in life in general and this doesn’t help.

If it makes you feel better do it, but it won’t change anything op.

Even if you told him, he wouldn’t care. I know that hurts to hear but it sounds like he really couldn’t give a fuck. I suggest you do the same.

If he's caused you hurt and is deeply selfish, do your best to completely forget about him. At first you said u wanted to end things amicably but then u said u want to email him some home truths about what he has done and how awful he has been. If he is really as selfish as u say then emailing him these home truths is not going to help one bit. It might make u feel justified at first but then his response could be unpleasant and it will drag things out and make u feel worse. I would try to be as zen as possible about this and totally move on. I wouldn't meet him, i would forget about him, do things for yourself. You said u feel vulnerable right now so try to surround yourself with positive and loving people, do things you enjoy, book your own holiday, have fun and leave him behind. It doesn't sound like he made you happy so find your own happiness. You don't need to drag things out longer than necessary.

Sorry OP it sounds really hurtful.

What about writing the email out but not sending it? That way you've expressed your anger and hurt, but don't have to read his bullshit justifications and/or gaslighting.

Also, bonus - these types love an ego boost of "oooh, I really pissed her off, look how much she cares!" Ignoring is much more satisfying.

He doesn’t care, he won’t change. Cut contact and walk away, don’t waste your valuable time trying to get through to somebody who has treated you so badly. You won’t get through to him and you’ll only prolong your pain in the process. I wish I had done this instead of wasting years of my life trying to reason with abusive men. The anger and sadness will fade. Book your own holiday and enjoy your freedom.

Sounds like he's incapable of loving anyone but himself.

Well, I know this sounds harsh but he's not yet met someone who he is willing to put before himself. His actions are what you shoud watch, stop trying to figure his feelings out, he has shown he doesn't care and now you must do the same.

It hurts and it's shit, but you really deserve someone who reciprocates your love.

Don't waste anymore time and effort on him, go out and find another.

Thanks all.

Sadly I have no one to go on holiday. Im so sick and tired of being all alone. I’ve done holidays alone in the past. I’ve even lived abroad on my own.

Family and friends already all have holiday plans.

I just want someone special to spend these times with.

I’m so angry and upset.

He’s so awful, I can’t actually stand him anymore. Always letting me down.

I spent months and months and finally found a holiday - no help from him. He stops talking to me and 5 mins later he books a luxurious holiday for himself.

my mental health hasn’t been great and this is what I needed. Fuck him.

OP I agree with both these responses wholeheartedly and I may I just add something, Google "grey/gray rock method"....as the name suggests it's a method you can employ with people who are being manipulative and/or abusive towards you, not everyone agrees with it, maybe you'll decide it's not for you but it's certainly worth a read.

He never does anything to meet my needs

The definition of healthy boundaries is to stay away from people with whom you feel this way. Just stay away. From him, and anyone else who gives you a hint of this feeling.

You are responsible for yourself in life. If doing something/seeing somebody makes you feel bad, you have to decide if that's the way you want to feel. If so, do it/see them more. If not, do it/see them less. It is your responsibility to pull away from unpleasant feelings, and anyone you feel them with. Stop blaming him for being shit. There are lots of shit people out there. There's no difference between him and them, except that you choose to have him in your life. Stop doing that, and, given time, he'll bother you as much as shit-Bob in the next county, and shit-Janine in another country. i.e. not in the slightest.

Your solution isn't to make him in to a good partner, as that's never going to happen. Your solution is to learn to be happy single.

You need to start living your life without him.

Find new hobbies, develop friendships that may have lapsed etc. would you be interested in an activity holiday - ie. to do a hobby whilst on holiday , walking, horse riding, yoga retreat, or something really different that you would never be able to do with him in tow

My advice is ignore him OP. Next time he gets in touch IGNORE him completely. He think he's got you where he wants you right now as he knows he's getting to you. This needs to ne reversed. He will keep trying when you start ignoring him and then eventually if you feel you want to you can just turn round and tell him to fuck off. Act cold, give him nothing. Put energy into yourself. Be happy. It will annoy the shit out of him.

Don’t meet him. He’s giving you the middle finger by booking this holiday and telling you about it. It’s a power thing and has worked perfectly. He knows it’s not an incompatibility thing. He’s still trying to hurt you. He wants to meet you to show you what you’ve lost (in his eyes) and put the blame on you (already started) as well as rub it in your face about the holiday.

Home truths won’t work on him. He already has had the pleasure of ignoring you while you try to be reasonable. Don’t you think that’s enough?

Don’t ignore him for weeks, or email him or meet him. Block his ass and never speak to him again, and take good care of yourself. ( as an aside that will probably be the only thing that drives him crazy btw).

Write it all down but don't send it.

Ignore him. He's a prize prick who won't listen to a word you say x