“if he wanted to, he would”

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How true it is?

If he wanted to do what, then he would do what?

if he wanted to do the hoovering, he probably would.

If he wanted to play for England, he probably wouldn’t.

Generally, people communicate a great deal through their actions and choices. If they want to do something (within the bounds of reasonable possibility), then they often do.

I’m guessing this is not in the realms of unrealistic expectations (if he really wanted to, he’d just get a well paid job) or socially unacceptable. It’s likely to be of the kind: ‘if he wanted to see you this weekend, he would. The fact he’s spent it out on the piss with his friends is an indication he’s not that into you’.

If he’s treating you like an option of last resort, then leave him to it and find someone who chooses to spend time with you.

Call, message, meet up, get in touch, go out with you, call you back etc....

Ya, I don't really know what would hold anyone back, especially in this day and age when you can find anyone on social media. And - I hate to say it, but it does seem to be true - even having a girlfriend or wife and family doesn't seem to be a barrier to someone at least messaging you these days.

Call you, marry you, help you, see his kids, etc etc

Most of us don’t do the hoovering because we want to. We do it because it just has to be done.

so if he’s not doing the hoovering and leaving it to you, it’s because he thinks you matter less than he does.

Marry you?

True. In life, people generally do the things they want to do and do not do the things they dont want to do.

Watch their behaviour, not their words.

It’s 100% true.

Get married. Have babies, move in together, general see you and be around you then in my experience if he wanted to- he would

I have a lovely friend who was seeing a man for 7 years and no commitment in terms of moving in together or more and she finally decided to end it as time was ticking and she is now mid 30s he was making all the old comments on how he loved her etc etc but never changed

she met someone new and he is actively showing his commitment to her and although early days he’s taking things forward at a good pace which makes her feel secure and happy in their relationship

ofcourse I could be off the mark with your question…

In most cases this is true but in the 1% it's truly out of his hands you would know the reason why he can't and it would be understandable to you so you wouldn't even be entertaining this saying because it wouldn't apply. However, in most circumstances he doesn't want it badly enough to get over the surmountable obstacles. It's not necessarily because you're lacking something or didn't say or do something, more often than not it's about the guy and his own choices and issues. When a man likes you he will make it plainly obvious but if he doesn't then he likes other things or people more than you to not risk taking that step... could be he cares more about his ego and self preservation from rejection for example and would rather cope with the lesser pain of missing out on you because a 'maybe' and 'what could have been' are softer and easier to live with than she flat out said no.... to some people's.

My personal experience is that ‘can/can’t’ is very often filtered through motivation.

There’s a commonly used behavioural science tool (COM-B) that breaks behaviour into capability, opportunity and motivation. If you have all of the above, you are very likely to do something.

But if you don’t want to do it, you won’t. And you’ll probably make all sorts of excuses based in opportunity barriers (I can’t come to see you because I’d need to put petrol in the car) or capability barriers (I can’t come to see you because I can’t drive). But if they wanted to, they’d think much less of having to go to the garage (or prioritising the money for petrol rather than having lunch out, etc) or getting public transport, and make it happen.

Some things are just never going to happen. They’re not going to play for England because they’re just not that good at football. No amount of motivation or opportunity is changing that. But in many cases, there’s what we can do is heavily affected by what we want to do.

@BadJanetsMobile Does her new man know that she was 7 years with a married man?

clarification: Want is a motivational thing. It’s just that it’s fascinating how capability and opportunity shift relative to motivation.

People who really want to do things, can sometimes find ways of making it happen despite huge barriers of capability and motivation.

More commonly though, people who don’t want to make huge mountains out of capability and opportunity molehills.

I've read it twice now and it doesn't say she was married?

It depends. Sometimes you want to do something but for various reasons you can’t. This can include things that others would find very easy, eg people with ADHD want to put the laundry away but simply can’t because they have difficulties with executive functioning. People with autism want to make friends and have careers but often can’t because of their social difficulties.

If we’re talking about something that he could easily do with no problems, then yes - if he wanted to do it he would.

Maybe he has no idea what’s going on or what you want from him. I certainly can’t tell from that cryptic post.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Thank you for that link it was a really good read. Have I got it right in that if we take 'Why hasn't he asked me out yet?' as an example:

Capability: He is capable of communicating with me (no language barrier, we both have emails or phones)

Opportunity: We see each other regularly and predictably and there opportunities to talk privately without distraction or interruptions. He has my email or number

Motivation: Is he attracted enough to ask me out? Does he want me and to go out with me enough to ask?

What if there were obstacles for example it's a work colleague and could get complicated. Would this be a barrier in C, O or M? I suppose if his Motivation was high enough he would find a way to surpass any barriers, correct?

@SnowyLamb Apologies my wires got crossed there! I was reading elsewhere about a woman who was waiting for ages for this married man to leave his wife and commit to her and she was in her 30s so I got confused. Sorry @BadJanetsMobile please ignore my daft question!

Here’s an example from my life. My (STBX) husband’s work features as what he considers an unchallengeable excuse when it suits him. But, when he wants to prioritise something else, suddenly his extremely Important job (that requires him to have the perfect work environment, can have nothing intrude upon, and must be treated like it’s the most important thing in life) is hugely flexible and his employer ever so understanding.

If it would help me in any way, nope. It’s impossible for him to move a meeting or work just from his laptop. But his friend has travelled to a city an hour away this weekend, and my husband has agreed to stay in a hotel there tonight, work from his laptop from this travelodge room, take a long lunch break to drive his friend to the airport and then back home, and then resume his super important work. This friend is a mid-40s single man with a highly paid job and no responsibilities who spends every weekend travelling to a different city to drink and eat out. He doesn’t need help.

In contrast, our child is suffering badly with allergies. I’m looking after him - and therefore doing absolutely nothing for myself all weekend. On Monday I will be taking time out of my work day to take him to a hospital appointment (by public transport) about these allergies. His father’s work cannot be interrupted by that. Of course not. It’s impossible to work from
anywhere but his home office with additional screens. It’s too difficult and even embarrassing to be having teams meetings in a weird place. He can’t move meetings or have long lunches because he’s too busy and important.

Funny how that changes because he wanted to go out on the piss with his friend. And he wants to appear a flexible and generous guy to that friend.

If it’s something in his control the its absolutely true. If it’s something out with his control and in someone else’s control then it’s less true Ie like employment etc.

Oh, okey, I though it was more well-known phrase.

It means the idea that if a man is interested or wants to be with you, he’ll figure a way to make it happen or to show a woman. If he doesn’t, the woman should move on. Because if he wanted to, he would.
If he actually cared (didn’t just want sex) he’d be romantic (not lovebombing), make time, listen, pay attention etc.
If already in relationship continue those things, be present etc….

yes.

Being colleagues is likely to be an opportunity barrier - it might affect your work. Although the specific categories (is it C or O?) are less important that identifying the barriers.

And yes, it’s definitely the cases that motivation plays a big role in assessing the significance of other kinds of barriers. So, if motivation is high enough, then people will find a way round barriers like tricky workplace politics etc.

Motivation can also be about habits - do my general habits support this happening? That’s why New Years resolutions often fail.

I am assuming this is in relation to marriage. If so, it holds true for me, if a man wanted to marry you, he would ask.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander Your STBXH sounds like a wanker! Not surprised he is a STBX! Yeah I recognise that inflexibility when it's not a priority. Very hurtful when it's prioritising friends over family. Sorry about your poor DC and allergies hope they get some relief soon.

@Floraanddougal I'm torn about your employment example because there absolutely are cases where people have crossed that boundary at work despite there being rules and policies against dating subordinates for example. There's even been cases where lawyers dated their ex clients and doctors dating their patients. I suppose it's how much motivation there is to do so.. how much they really want it vs the potential consequences and risk involved.