Where to start? Think I need to leave but feel so trapped
this will be a blurt it out job, apologies in advance for jumping around. It feels like a big step to me to write this and ask
for help.
Married 10 years, 2 children (9,6). 9 year okd
being assessed for ASD and anxiety and tics. adding that only as he particularly finds
change/uncertainty harder than his sister.
My husband is an alcoholic. Dry for many years but relapsed when our daughter was born. Looking back there were many signs he was struggling but he hid them well and I was naive so it came
as a huge shock. He relapsed a month before
her birth and again when she was 3
months old, this time more seriously and police got involved. He went to rehab and came home 6
months later. It wasn’t really a conscious decision as I just felt utterly broken. I had a colicky baby, confused 3 year old missing daddy and had post-partum sepsis and was physically exhausted. He came back and we sort of just made do and mend (unhealthy I know). He had a lot of therapy in rehab, I had none and just looked after the babies. I think I resent that.
fast forward to now and we have a dsyfunctional relationship I think. We don’t have sex (the thought makes me feel sick) and when we do it’s because he wants to. After the kids I put on weight and he made it clear he found it unattractive and I lost it all but the fact he found me unattractive has stayed with me and had an impact on my self esteem. I think it’s fair to say I stopped seeing him as my rock / best friend /safe place when he relapsed and have limped on since then.
we had an argument over something silly 3
weeks ago and he slapped me, not hard but he slapped me. said he feels frustrated with lack of sex and my constant focus on the kids and not on him at all. The slap is not ok ; his complaint I overfocus on the kids is fair. I’m over protective.
he has said wants to make it work. i do too but I think probably too much water has gone under the
Bridge. But I’m so scared. he is the main earner, I’m not very qualified and while I do work part time around school hours my wage isn’t much. We’d have to sell the house, I’d have to move to another area that is more
affordable, the kids would need to move
school which for
my
eldest would be so hard emotionally. I just don’t know how to make the figures add up and feel scared and Responible
for turning everything upside down with no real means to give them a good life. The opposite.,
in my lowest moments I think it would
all be easier if I wasn’t here and thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind which is so horrible.
i am quite on my own as became quite introverted after the relapse and don’t have any good friends and have no family near me.
i don’t even know what I’m asking. It felt good to share this though so thank you for reading It