Friendship

[House1999]

I am 49 and have kept in touch with a group of friends from when I was a child. These friends all know each other through me and if I arrange meals etc I sometimes invite them all. I’ve am very close to all of them. One particular friend has been putting quite a lot of negative posts on Facebook and last year fell out with a close friend of mine because she thought she had called her behind her back. I’ve tried to stay out of it as we have all known each other for over 40 years. I’m not sure how to handle her latest text message to me. (I’ve changed the names)

‘I find it really bizarre that you don’t have any photos of the Ed Sheeran concert on your wall, however you do have the concert you went with Sarah . I guess you make made your chose Jane. It really hurts because last May it was Sarah who was slagging you off and that as one of the reasons I cut her out of my life.’

I don’t know what Sarah has slagged me about. It is the first time this has been mentioned by her. I didn’t put post up of Ed Sheeran because she had put posts on Facebook and tagged me while we were at the concert.

She posted this on Facebook just after she sent me the above message.

‘New healthy living for John and I, cleared all the debris out of my life that was holding me back and starting a new position very close to home on 8 August 2022. Life is looking so very rosy right now.’

I know this might seem trivial to some people but I’m extremely upset. I don’t want to choose as I’ve known them both for practically all my life and I don’t know how to handle it.

So far I’ve tried ringing her but she has not answered her phone.

Too much drama for me. Don't bother chasing her.

But why do you have to do anything? She sounds lunatic and rather unpleasant, but entering into a drama about who posted photos of an Ed Sheeran concert online and hearsay about another friend this friend has fallen out with would be mad. I’d just ignore and continue to see them both, if that’s what you want.

She’s clearly angry and a phone call isn’t the way forward here.

I would message her back.

Hi, sorry I’m really confused by your message. If I’ve upset you perhaps we could meet up and talk about it?
Hope you’re ok, see you soon.

It doesn’t seem trivial to me, makes no sense at all. I don’t understand about the Ed Sheeran photo nor why the John message has anything to do with you.

I think it makes sense, it’s just trivial and doesn’t actually require the OP to do anything. The friend criticised the OP for not posting online photos of the Ed Sheeran gig they’d attended together, while the OP had apparently posted photos of the gig she attended with ‘Sarah’, a mutual friend the critical friend has fallen out with. The OP says she only didn’t post Ed Sheeran photos because the friend had already posted photos of them at it together, but drama-llama friend sees it as some kind of declaration the OP has chosen ‘Sarah’s’ side, and now says she herself cut out Sarah because she was slagging off the OP behind her back.

Then drama-llama friend posted something on SM about a new job and how she and her (presumed) husband have cleared debris that was holding them back out of their lives, and the OP thinks this is a coded message for her that she’s part of the ‘debris’. And thinks she needs to ‘choose’ between drama-llama and Sarah.

Your friend sound immature and a drama llama. Dropping in that Sarah was slagging you off last year - what are you supposed to do with that information? Not nice, it was said to hurt you.

I would refuse to engage with the pointless drama of this. Just ignore. I suspect when she realises you aren't engaging, you will hear from her again. But if I were you, I would spend the time in the meantime rethinking what you want from a relationship with her.

Do not engage with such drama.

Your friend telling you Sarah was speaking badly about you is very nasty and likely lies.

Step away completely from her.
Do not contact her again.

People who like drama are tedious.

She will be no loss to you unless you want drama in your life.

I'd leave it. What goes on between her and another of your friends is their business. The fact she is involving you in it - rise above.
Do you think she cutting you out and moving on? Maybe - the concert thing just comes across as a petty excuse.
Next time you all want to meet up invite them as you would normally. It's up to them if they want to engage.

You're 49. It's not school.

If you don't know what to do, don't do anything. If you don't know what to say, don't say anything.

I would stay well clear, personally. She is lashing out to hurt you and no good can come of all the drama.

Another reason Facebook is shit. You're almost 50. I'd disengage from the drama.

I wouldn't even dream of responding to that woman. She sounds like an unhinged, shit-stirring drama queen.

Life is far, far too short for this utter nonsense. You're well rid.

What a toxic woman! I wouldn't even bother responding to her if she decides to get in touch at some point, because if you do, you'll have negativity for a long time...

Don't engage. She's clearly a bit dim if she can't see any other possible reading of the situation except a negative one which which is about her.

Thank you for all your responses and perspectives. I know in the whole scheme of things there are far more serious things happening in the world but in my small world I’m upset. I don’t have any siblings and my friends mean the world to me. I’ve not replied to her, deep down I know it’s the best course of action. I certainly don’t want drama. I do want to defend myself but equally feel I shouldn’t have to explain myself or justify what I post on Facebook.

I just don’t understand as she puts lots of posts with other friends when she has been out and about and I have never thought anything of it. I generally don’t post a great deal on Facebook. So I think she has been left wondering why I have posted photos with one friend and not her. I hadn’t put any thought into how my posts might make her feel. I certainly didn’t do it to make her feel upset. I often don’t put posts of all my family holidays just the odd one when I feel like it as I can go days without even looking at Facebook depending how busy I am.

Is this new behaviour from her, op? Does she have form for being so dramatic?

"What are you talking about? I've not engaged in your argument with X so far and I don't intend to take sides going forward. You've looked at my Facebook and made up an imaginary scenario in your head which is completely incorrect and ending a 40yr friendship over it, let me know if you have a rethink and realise how ridiculous you've been"

She has always been quite sensitive and stopped talking to her mum over a year ago and another friend (I don’t know her) about 5 years ago.

A few months ago she was calling and sending text message to me constantly about Sarah. She said she doesn’t want to come out when Sarah is there etc. Sarah has never said anything negative about her and I feel she is over analysing. I sent her this message to try and stop it.

’Hi, sorry missed your calls, it’s been a busy day.

I will respect that when organising other girlie events. I don’t want to be in the middle of this. I care about both of your feelings.

I’ve tried not to be involved and don’t want any misconceptions from my side. I value Sarah’s friendship as I value your friendship. The problems you have with Sarah are between the two of you. I don’t want to comment as I feel very saddened by it.

I am sure you could speak to Sarah and work it out.

You are both my friends and I want to stay neutral.

I do hope you understand Xxx’

You've told her your stance, then. Just ignore her. She's disrespecting your clearly stated wishes. Pull back from anyone who does this.