Feeling guilty - do you ever get this?

[woodencoffee92]

I’m in a loving relationship with DP - However I feel guilty if a guy friend gets in contact. Even worse if they make a flirty joke which isn’t exactly flirt and is just me catastrophising.

I feel like I have to explain everything to DP, who I’m texting, what I’m saying etc etc to cover my own back - but he’s not doing anything to cause that. I’m just like this in relationships.

I get on with everyone, and I have a lot of guy friends. In the past I’d distance myself from them for partners (they never asked, I just thought it was the right thing to do) but by doing this I’ve really cut my circle a lot and don’t want to do this again unless needs must.

I feel extra guilty if I enjoy the conversation, and probably if I was to look, DP has had a conversation with a female friend before and never even mentioned it because it’s not a big deal.

how the f do I snap out of this? I’m sick of feeling guilty constantly. It’s me doing it to myself.

That must be so tough. Have you been in a relationship before where your partner has not liked you talking to other males? Or have you previously felt worried about a partner talking to another woman?
Usually it comes from a place of a partner being insecure but if your partner isn’t concerned then it’s tricky. I have lots of male friends. One of them can become a little flirty with girls but it’s his nature and he has always been faithful. His partner hates him talking to me so we’ve cut contact. For a while I felt like I had to explain who I was talking to, to my dh but he never asked for it. I was just worried that he would assume something was going on since my friends dp was so annoyed. Have you been in a similar situation?

@Hiddenvoice I hate using this as an example as I’m in my late 20s, but my first bf around 15/16 (carried on and off for years) was like this! He would accuse me of all sorts, even message guys he thought I was talking to demanding answers which I feel silly for explaining because I was a teenager, it wasn’t like I was an actual adult when this happened.

you may be into something tho, a good friend of mine has a gf of 10 years and always makes flirty jokes but I know he doesn’t mean it, and I don’t feel guilty at all. However when a friend of mine is single, that’s when I feel like my original post! Because I have no “proof” maybe they’re looking for me..

The boyfriend from your teens meant a lot to you at the time but clearly was very controlling. It’s natural for that worry to stay with you. I guess the way to get through it is to talk about it to people. Doesn’t matter that it was a little while ago, it still had a negative impact on you.
I guess you feel more comfortable when friends have partners as it doesn’t look like you’re flirting or cheating in a way, even though you definitely are not- it’s just a worry you have in your mind. Have you ever considered talking to someone about this? Might help to get all the feelings out there and help to work through how to make things easier for you.

I think I will talk to someone - it’s just I honestly bombard myself and my partner with confessions to the point it’s a joke you know? Like I just feel so stupid once I do it

Please don’t feel stupid but it does sound like you’re suffering with anxiety. Forgive me if I’m wrong but sounds like by confessing all the time, you’re actually looking for reassurance that he believes you and you’re doing okay, if that makes any sense.

Could you perhaps be worried or scared of your feelings of attraction? It’s normal to fancy other people but doesn’t mean you’d act on it.

Yes anxiety for sure! And I definitely do find other people attractive.

So sounds like you feel guilty for feeling attracted to other people, and then need to ‘confess’ to your parent to absolve your guilt?

it doesn’t mean you have a diagnosis of anxiety btw - these are just anxious feelings that all of us can develop but we can learn to tolerate the feelings too. Including the guilt.

So next time it happens maybe notice your feelings, and soothe yourself through them instead of asking your partner for reassurance. Reassure yourself that it’s conditioning that’s making you feel guilty rather than anything you’ve done wrong. That way you’ll develop some tolerance of the feelings (so with time and practice they won’t feel so huge or overwhelming) and you’ll develop self-trust (learning to be okay with and soothe yourself through a range of feelings).

you could journal or speak to a counsellor about it if you want some help.

grr autocorrect! *partner, not parent! 😁