Am I over thinking this

[Idiotathome79]

I will try not to drip feed , left marriage of 29 years abusive coercive etc.
Been with bf 8 months I have 6 kids 4 of which are living at home ages 8-19
The 19 year old and 16 year old are autistic. So socially and emotionally there behaviours range from Kind to not so kind .
My 10 year old is going through a difficult patch which quite frankly I am finding extremely difficult .
All my children love my bf immensely , infact sometimes they seem to prefer him to me .

Yesterday was an awful day it started when I explained to my bf I sometimes worry when he doesn't want to do things with me as it reminds me of my old relationship ( context I wanted him to join me on a dinner party and he declined in 25 years my ex never attended anything including school plays sports days etc,
Bf hd previously refused to come to another thing I hd planned ) we talked about it and he assured me it's just because he's tired and on pain relief ( major bike accident)
Anyway as the day wore on my 16 year was being aggressive toward me and kept calling me a retard( sorry) and telling me. To shut up and then my 10 year old had friends over who were in the tent making noise , he said to me after I told them 10 times to please not be so loud or they would have to go home , that maybe I should just take them home. , anyway I tried to justify it and then said I worry that it would be too much like how my ex husband treated them ( they weren't allowed friends over or to do anything other than sit in there rooms ) he then said I was over compensating for ex's behaviour and that I need to be kind but firm with 10 year old .
Anyway this acclimated in him raising his voice at me and saying he isn't my f**king ex husband several times , then saying he need to go fro a drive . He wasn't aggressive

When he returned he said to me he wasn't sure he could continue if I kept comparing him to ex ! I tried to explain that it's not me comparing but somethings are triggers, he says he loves me and the kids but he hates the way they talk to me and that he's holds his tongue many of times as it's not his place . We talked and although we sorted it I am now worried this is just the beginning of raised voices ... my ex was vocal calling me all sorts of names and screaming at me most of the time .

Albeit I don't want to ruin this with my insecurity ( he has to put up with a lot as I can't stay in a bed with him over night as I was raped several times in my sleep by ex and he never complains about this or any other issues I have )

Is there a typo in this? Surely you don’t think your children love a man who they have only known a few months? Did you mean eight years?

he's tired and on pain relief ( major bike accident)

Honestly and kindly as possible YABU given you said he's had a major accident and yes I can understand him getting annoyed. This all sounds a lot of hard work at 8 months into a relationship and with 6 kids on the scene I'd probably be running a mile sorry

I'm really shocked all this is happened in eight months. However if your children really do like him why the hell doesn't he pull them up on the way they treat you? It sounds as though they would take it from him when they clearly don't from you.

I am sorry you had a tough day and it is never ideal for someone to yell at their partner.

However I have some sympathy for your bf. He is in a very difficult situation. If your kids were not autistic I would definitely say you need to get a serious grip on your parental boundaries. I don't know what is possible for autistic children but I suspect you should not put up with as much as you do.

And if DH ever started comparing me to his two reasonably nice non abusive exes I would hit the roof.

Blimey. That's a lot for 8 months in. Just chill and pull back a bit. Give him space and time. 6 children is a lot to get on board with.

I think I'd have went for a drive and not came back! You sound neurotic and aggressive teens, poor guy can't breathe.

Even at the end of your post you’re comparing him to your ex again. Stop it! I know we all have things that remind us of the not so good old days. But he’s a different person. He’s not your ex. Whatever he does or doesn’t do, it’s not your ex doing it. Even if in your mind you’re comparing him, stop telling him out loud. It is a crappy thing to do, whether comparing favourably or not, to keep bringing up your ex.

It’s hard but you have to stop seeing a new relationship as something that is there to heal you from your old one which is what you’re doing by trying to force so many situations with your new boyfriend to compensate for what you went through with your ex. He sounds very patient but you clearly have many many issues caused by your ex which is not your fault. However, it’s not your new boyfriends fault either and you need to get yourself to a place where you can relate to him for who he is not who he is in comparison to your ex and to ensure your issues and triggers are taken care of.

Have you had decent professional help? How long has it been since your marriage ended?

First of all in the 8 months we've been together other than talking about who's turn it is to pay this is the first time we've argued .

When I said the kids love him I didn't mean literally love him , they ask for him all the time and want to spend time together , he only sees them once a fortnight .

As for me comparing him to my ex these are isolated situation and in fact he often does it himself
Ie : he'll buy me something and then when I thank him he'll say did your ex buy you gifts !? Or he recently decorated my lounge as a surprise , and then said I thought I would do it as I know your ex didn't decorate .

He knew I had 6 kids he's a local man who I known since school not in a hang out at the coffee shop type of person but a person you might chat too if you saw in a pub ,
I do realise that I sound over the top and slightly out of touch but I had 2 years on my own after ex so this would be only my second relationship .
And it was his idea to meet the kids , he kept pushing after 5 months I gave in .

The kids DO need boundaries I am well aware , thing is with my autistic daughter , she is very tense as everything that happens is my fault beacuse she focus on me . We do have counselling with her support worker from the school ,

They went through a lot in 2018-2020 b4 dad left so I think I just been soft and allowing them to bed kids I am the first to admit that I've let it go to far .

They do listen to bf if on the occasion
He says your mum asked you to do something, I just think he doesn't want to get into telling them to much incase it causes more friction.

As for his motor bike accident I support him all the time , his accident was 2016 I paid for him to have hydrotherapy to help , I just forget sometimes ( not being on pain meds ) how this effect people .

I had therapy after my ex , but it's something that will take a long time to heal , doesn't help he lives opposite me ,

We only see each other 4 days a week

I felt compared to my exes ex. It was different as they were friends and he seemed secretly obsessed still but would do the whole I'd never go back there speech. But there's something extremely irritating about someone bringing an ex into the relationship whether it's negative or positive.

I feel like if you feel stuck still then you deserve some help to sort this in your mind. Therapy! I only had 3 sessions after my abusive ex because I found YouTube videos more helpful. Perhaps look at them.

I don't see anything bad in your new chap. I didn't like going to events and dodge work dinners with partners etc. He was right about taking the kids home if they were not being good.

I'm not judging I get how emotional abuse affects you but you need to heal abit more.

I'm sorry OP, it doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship.

Is it worth slowing this one down a bit? 8 months is super quick and I totally see his point about the kids needing boundaries and you defending their poor language.

Did you have counselling after leaving your last relationship?

I don't think there's anything bad in him I think I am worried he's gonna start shouting at me regularly .

Maybe I am Not ready for a relationship , I do at times feel
Panicked by the attention I get from
Him .

I am On a list with the Nhs to get therapy again through my work .
I had a brief course of counselling and then some domestic abuse courses .
Called pattern changing .

But it sounds like he was trying to advise/help multiple times, with behaviour you've said was unacceptable, got wound up and then left?

He shouldn't shout. But taking himself away from a frustrating situation and then returning to say he loves you but he has a problem with a) the comparisons and b) the children's behaviour isn't unreasonable.

I get his point. If everytime I made a mistake (i.e. raising my voice once during a frustrating situation), I was compared to an abusive ex, I'd also find that very difficult.

The question is does he have a point about the kids?

You certainly wouldn't be the first parent to overcompensate to your own detriment. It's completely understandable but probably not that healthy.

I think you need to tackle this issue and you need to tell him not to interfere and maybe back off a little while you do so. I would consider spending less time you, him and the kids for a bit. See him separately and enjoy dating.

Why on earth have you introduced your children after such a short amount of time? Why are you allowing him to have any say whatsoever in how you offend them? Raising his voice and swearing IS. Aggressive

Your bf must be a saint. I would run for the hills. Your life seems very complicated. Maybe you need to keep him as a boyfriend to go out and do fun activities and don't mix him with your family.

I don’t know how you find time to see him ‘only’ four times a week when you’ve got six kids!

It sounds like because you have such a busy life he has been thrown into the middle of it. Is that what you both want? It all sounds very stressful to me and he’s obviously getting fed up of it.

What @Heartcare said. It also occurred to me that if you threaten to send the friends home, and then don't follow through, not only do the children realise quickly that these are empty threats, but he'll get frustrated too because that's basic level discipline and you're not just being a pushover, you're actively undermining yourself! I think as PPs have said, perhaps you need to go back a step, and go on child-free dates.

@Runningdownthehill my eldest are 25 and 21 then I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old
The youngest are 10 and 8 they have 4 supervised visit with ex a week I see him around that time .
@lonelydad2022 maybe he is a saint , he has his own issue that I too have to deal with non of which is a story I can share .

@clpsmum this is the thing he doesn't tell my kids what to do , he speaks to
Me about his frustration and has said he wants to
Say something but chooses not too .
And other posters are right in the fact I didn't follow
Through the punishment I threatened

@JohannSebastianBach
He does have a point and I know
This which is why I have help
With the asd support worker , I think your right though maybe dating again would be more fun , and less stressful .

But thank you guys for your help and opinions most of which have been very useful .

I can only imagine how stressful it has been, good luck. Hopefully things will settle down soon.