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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

AIBU My friend is an fool

18 replies

northernlady15 · 09/07/2022 15:54

My friend and her partner have a turbulent relationship and whilst he's nice he turns in to an awful person when he has had a drink.

They've had numerous arguments, he's broken stuff in the house and they've always got back together.

A couple of months ago they were out and he started a fight and basically hit her friend (female) on the back of the head. He moved out of their home and Theh appeared to have split up.

The last few weeks I haven't been able to contact her on a night or weekend, we usually speak quite a bit so I suspected he had been spending time at the house. Anyway long story short today when we spoke she slipped up and said he'd been there the other night.

I really can't believe she has done this, what does he need to do to make her see sense?

I left my ex husband as he was abusive and spend 4 years on my own rather than tolerate behaviour like that but when I speak to her she just says she can't be alone.

She lives a couple of hours away so when I see her I stay at their home but I'm at the point now where I don't want to go there if he is there, especially if he's drinking

OP posts:

Mally100 · 09/07/2022 16:58

I would just distance myself from her. She sounds like a lost cause. She will not do anything to help herself and will only drag you down with her issues.

Minimalme · 09/07/2022 17:55

She is choosing to stay with him.

I respect those who leave an abusive relationship - really bloody difficult and scary thing to do. But if she is determined to believe she loves him and can't manage alone, then there is nothing you can do.

Don't be anywhere near him op - keep yourself safe.

icelollycraving · 09/07/2022 17:59

Presumably you didn’t leave your abusive the partner the first time they did it? Second, third etc.
It takes a very long time to find the courage to leave a relationship that is abusive. Well done to you. Just be there for her. Presumably it would suit him if she lost contact with friends.
You can feel angry, disappointed but if you love her, be ready for her to need you.

icelollycraving · 09/07/2022 18:00

Also agree with @Minimalme kerp your distance from him.

mathanxiety · 09/07/2022 18:18

It takes a lot for some women to finally manage to disengage and break free.

Be patient with her. Tell her you're there if she ever decides she can do better.

Make sure she knows that what she's putting up with is illegal behaviour.

takeitandleaveit · 09/07/2022 18:23

She is choosing to stay with him

She night not be. She could be terrified of what she thinks he might do to her if she tries to end it.

altmember · 09/07/2022 18:28

mathanxiety · 09/07/2022 18:18

It takes a lot for some women to finally manage to disengage and break free.

Be patient with her. Tell her you're there if she ever decides she can do better.

Make sure she knows that what she's putting up with is illegal behaviour.

The way the OP writes it, her friend had broken free - the abusive partner moved out several months ago. But she's decided to get back together with him.

There's a big difference between being stuck in an abusive relationship, and taking back an abusive ex after splitting up.

Floraanddougal · 09/07/2022 18:32

She was already free. She’s taken him back. Even though he assaulted her friend,

Original poster

northernlady15 · 09/07/2022 19:56

Yes he moved out and then he's come back.

It was the assaulting the friend that really got me, it's thuggish behaviour and I thought she wouldn't tolerate it.

She's openly said she doesn't love him but doesn't want to be alone.

OP posts:

Scorpio8 · 09/07/2022 20:08

Sometimes it's best to stay out of it.

I got a friend who's husband was very horrible to her when he was drunk and this happened a lot but this seemed worse.I got really worried I even contacted her sister and anonymously was going to send police over.

Even to this day she will complain how he is I can't really respond. All I say is he will never change to her.

I would leave her and let contact you. Don't go there and stay if you feel uncomfortable. Just be there to listen.

Pinkjacket22 · 09/07/2022 20:21

I have a friend like this and it’s awful. When they split up she gets in touch and tells me all the horrible things he’s done. Then they get back together and she stops speaking to me. Last time she told me he wasn’t happy that I’d come to his house (she was heavily pregnant and he was being horrible so I’d gone to support her while she collected some things-it was horrible and it took me a couple of weeks to feel better after and she knows this). I don’t really have a solution, it is a very upsetting situation and I just don’t feel like another round of being the bad guy when they get back together, don’t feel like talking to her at all at the moment. She’s phoned me twice recently and I just haven’t picked up. She got so annoyed with me saying how could she ever invite me if they get married but I hate watching the dysfunction as there are 2 very small children in the middle of it. On the other hand I feel bad for not supporting a fellow single mother but she’s never single for long-always goes back. I think it’s going to take something really bad for her to leave and a lot of what he has done already is very unacceptable (prostitutes, passing on an STD, thousands of pounds on drugs, emotional abuse and general swearing/abuse in front of the kids)

Kleptronic · 09/07/2022 20:28

I've got a friend in this situation. When she's on the outs with him, I get all the details in how he has behaved and what he's done. Then they get back together, and I get invites round to hers with him there. I can't do it. I can only see her outside the house. I can't even look at him knowing what he's done.

TwoPaws · 10/07/2022 11:50

I’d stay out of it. Don’t get involved. If you want to stay friends you can still meet up but keep it light. Don’t join in her conversations on her struggles and problems with him. It’s not new. It’s not news. And nothing will be achieved by rehashing it or getting involved in any way. All you will get is grief. Don’t visit her at her house, just stay out of it. Hopefully she will come to her senses again.

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 11:57

Of course you're not being aibu.

But she has to participate on get in rescue.

She is currently not doing that.

It'll just stress you out, keep it light and stay in minimum contact if possible.

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 11:58

participate in her own rescue

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 12:00

She's openly said she can't be on her own, and her behaviour shows she'd rather be with a man who seriously assaults (could've resulted in a head injury) her female friends, rather than be on her own, you cant do anything with someone like that.

Other than point her at the freedom programme. Which she'll probably fall out with you for.

LooseGoose22 · 10/07/2022 12:02

Aside from everything else, her behaviour showd she's a terrible friend to her other friend, so it's it's unreasonable to suggest she's a poor friend in general, not capable of being a good one.

Why spend your time and energy on friendship with people who can't be true friends.

Davyjones · 10/07/2022 12:08

A huge wake up call is needed in these situations before we leave

often it’s attempted murder

or a friend saying she’s done with you until you leave him, but when you do I’m here

does she want a family? Time is ticking away on this guy

let her know then leave

she’ll come to you eventually but it might not be pretty

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