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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Could you relationship survive this?

19 replies

Nowor · 09/07/2022 12:42

I'm form UK partner is from USA. We have 2 children together and he has worked away months at a time since we met. This has put stress on the relationship for a while now as I have been basically living as a single mum. He has asked us to move to the USA as he would see us slightly more (job is usa based but involves lots of travelling) but the children are settled and at school age therefore I don't think uprooting them would be in their best interest.

Would you stick with this set up? Myself and children only seeing him on average every few months? I don't know how this would end long term once the children grow up as partner does not want to live in this country and I don't want to live in USA.

OP posts:
Nowor · 09/07/2022 12:45

What I'm asking is would you keep it as it is (more so for the children) or split and call it a day? My only worry with the second option is that the children may see less of him.

OP posts:
Beachsidesunset · 09/07/2022 12:46

Aside from the 'you really should have sorted this out before having two children' thing (sorry) then you need to be very sure of your legal rights here. If you move and the relationship ends you may not be able to leave the US with your children. How old are they? Have they expressed any desire to move? Your relationship sounds part-time at best anyway, so I would split and work out an amicable co-parenting set up.

FlipFlops4Me · 09/07/2022 12:50

There is no way I'd move me or my kids to the US. Especially if they're girls! It'd just be a case of you being over there with the dc and being alone for slightly less time, but you wouldn't have any friends or family near you either.

I think the dc come first here and are they better here or there?

Nowor · 09/07/2022 12:50

Yes hindsight is a beautiful thing. They are twins age 7. We will definitely not be moving to the US.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 12:51

I’d stay here and end the relationship.
Your children being settled here goes towards him not being able to take them to the USA.

Ilosthim · 09/07/2022 12:52

I wouldn't uproot the kids. Clearly they are NOT a priority for him... if they were, he would be in the UK with you, regardless of his job!!

Nowor · 09/07/2022 12:52

Apologies, my question was not if we move to the US. My question was do me and partner stay together or split.

OP posts:
RewildingAmbridge · 09/07/2022 12:53

You've posted this twice recently and had lots and lots of opinions. I don't think anyone is going to say any different.

You agreed to move to the US before you had DC and have now changed your mind, not massively fair, however you've also said his friends were racist towards you previously so I can see why you might not be keen to move.
Did you ever answer why he can't move here?

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 12:54

Do you love him ?

Iamnotamermaid · 09/07/2022 12:56

You are the main carer for your twin girls so if you, and the twins, are happier here, stay here. If he wants to see them more he needs to sort himself, and his priorities out.

Bear in mind once if you move to the US I doubt you would be able to work so you would be tied to him for financial support. Has this been discussed and would you be comfortable with this?

Icedlatteplease · 09/07/2022 13:01

Does it really matter either way?

Not to be harsh but in that arrangement its unlikely hes being faithful, and you are basically acting as a single parent anyway

You're only really changing your ability to date and lots of us single mums choose not to do that anyway

SilverCatStripes · 09/07/2022 13:08

Hi OP, I’m a forces wife and know what it’s like being left alone to run the family solo for long periods of time , and my advice would be you need to decide if you are all in or you want to split - and it comes down to do you LOVE each other and do you WANT to have a future together, there are places in the world I wouldn’t contemplate living in so I think it is fair enough for you say you aren’t happy moving the to US, is your DH open to changing jobs ? I think this is your biggest indicator of if he is worth sticking with to be honest - if he won’t then you know where you are in his priorities, and you are better off calling it a day. Don’t feel burdened to stay together for the kids because honestly they will be happy so long as you are.

CPL593H · 09/07/2022 13:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

CPL593H · 09/07/2022 13:52

So sorry, wrong thread, I've reported.

Iamnotamermaid · 09/07/2022 14:16

You have reached an impasse, you cannot agree on which country to live in and how to raise your children. He is an absent parent and you a single mother. Even if you split or stay together how much the twins see of their father is 100% down to him whether you are together or not and right now they do not appear to be the priority. Moving countries will not change this.

I think the big question for you is why would you stay together?

HUBBY007 · 09/07/2022 19:06

Hi,

My wife, children and I also spend lots of time apart. I spend approx 8 months away out of the country per year. (Usually 8 weeks away, 4 weeks home). It is hard, but technology such as zoom, WhatsApp etc make communication much easier than years ago. It’s important your partner invests time daily with zoom calls etc, as it’s the next best thing to actually physically bring there in person.

Its also important to “Make the most of home time”, make it the best period of time before you are all separated once again.

Personally, I get 4 months off per year, which is more than a standard job in the UK, I devote my entire energy towards my wife and children whilst home, I do not come home and “go out with my friends”, it’s all about focusing on my wife and children. If I do meet friends then it’s always a joint thing with their family and my family.

For example, I know work colleagues who go home and split their time between family and friends, my view is if I’ve been away, come home, go out and get drunk and hungover the next day, then it’s a day written off, where I could have spent precious time with my wife and children.

In short, working away can work, but it’s important to stay communicated. Even on a sexual wife/husband part, you are not physically together but there are ways to keep things interesting and exciting. Video, photos, etc. it’s so important to maintain a sexual connection and not allow it to die away.

Hope that helps

Teeturtle · 09/07/2022 19:40

Nowor · 09/07/2022 12:50

Yes hindsight is a beautiful thing. They are twins age 7. We will definitely not be moving to the US.

It really wasn’t hindsight! Anyway you are barely in a relationship anyway, might as well make it official and stop pretending you are.

Musti · 10/07/2022 02:14

He doesn’t want to live in the UK more than he doesn’t want to see his kids?

surely he could look at finding a job in the UK at least for the next 10 years until the kids are older?

do you love him? Is he a good partner/dad?

have you ever spent a lot of time together? Is it good when he’s home? Do you miss him when he’s gone? Do you talk daily?

Bayleaf25 · 10/07/2022 15:36

@RewildingAmbridge yes, I’ve seen this same thread twice before too.

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