Should I tell abusive ex about new relationship?

[sophmum31]

Hi,

I've been separated from my ex for 2 years two children 11 and 16 and are currently going through an acrimonious divorce. I had to apply to court for a non molestation order of which he agreed to give the court an undertaking regarding his behaviour (bullying and emotional abuse) He is no longer allowed near the marital home because of this.

In the divorce we are inching very slowly towards an agreement - he wanted 70/30 in his favour and are now closer to 50/50 after two court hearings. He is dragging his feet on every single aspect, has fired 3 solicitors and everyone I know thinks we will have to push on to a third court date which will likely be the end of this year.

I have been seeing someone for a long time now. Wondering if anyone had advice on whether I should tell my ex before he finds out from somewhere else. My eldest knows (but doesn't see her dad) and it's getting very difficult to keep from my youngest. My concern if I don't tell him and my youngest knows he will become the messenger and be pumped for information. My ex doesn't care about the feelings of others, even his own children. If I do tell him I think any slim chance that we could get the divorce finalised soon will be gone and I'll definitely be headed for a third court date.

It’s none of his business. He likely has a string of woman.

Why the hell would you tell him anything...especially with a non mol in place? Surely the idea of a non mol and separating is to keep him out of your life not ask him back into it?

Tell him nothing.

Tell your youngest to say 'I font know anything about it'. If adked.

Tbh though I wouldn't want my child around the nutter anyway. Does s/he even still want to see him?

He will find out so wasn’t sure if it was best to tell him myself or just let him find out. And to protect my son because I know how he will be with him when he finds out.

he does want a relationship with him but is resisting visits more now which is partly what is making it more and more difficult to hide the relationship from him.

There is no reason whatsoever to inform the ex.
It doesn’t have any bearing on the actual divorce. Even if he did ask your youngest -
what can he possibly find out from the child that can be used against you?

Both me when my ex have moved on. My ex - practically weeks after moving out.
None of us announced it to each other.
Kids sometime mention ex’s partner - but in a matter of factly way when recounting some event, etc.

I get it that you are worried about your ex given his volatility. In that case - I’d hang on for a bit longer and not tell your youngest to not trigger ex’s reaction. But if it does come out - don’t worry. It will be fine - kids don’t really care about our relationships. They don’t tend to run to the other parent to share the news. They don’t tend to gossip. And at 11 they start understanding a lot more than we give them credit for.

No.