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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Struggling with blaming myself a year on

25 replies

Restell · 09/07/2022 08:42

A year ago today my DP left me when I was 6 months pregnant. We had been arguing a lot and I had said some horrible nasty things, I’d also asked him to leave often when we argued as I panicked about stress on the baby. In hindsight, whilst his own behaviour was not great at all, I can see that my reactions were massively over the top. I struggled with the stress of pregnancy as I was between jobs and we had not found somewhere to live… all stuff that actually didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. He was v difficult and often unkind and I think he was also struggling but we didn’t communicate well in the end. We had a great relationship prior to this and I feel my hormones played a v large part on my side.

one day after another row of a similar nature, he completely cut me off. Refused to reply to any texts, answer any calls or emails. I went for a late scan and sent a photo, due date came and went and I sent a photo, no response to anything. I made it clear I was sorry for what happened between us and that I had found him difficult and hurtful too… I said the door was always open to him regarding DC.

DC now a few months and I’ve sent a few updates but no idea if he’s even opened them on email or just deleted them. I feel so distraught about it still… it’s the silence mostly and the fact there was no closure.

I can’t get my head around what happened and how it all spiralled. I know one day DC will ask where he is and I guess all I can say is your dad cut me off one day seems to place all blame on me. I did hear a few weeks ago that he was claiming he was ‘too scared of me to meet DC.’ That makes me feel terrible too if he really feels that way and that’s why he’s never met DC. It’s hard for me to understand as he literally disappeared one day and never spoke to me again so we never had a conversation.

Not sure what I’m asking, just feeling a bit shit as it’s a year to the day.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2022 08:43

Hello again…

Allicando · 09/07/2022 08:47

I think you've posted many times before op. I am not sure what different answers you are looking for. He's a wanker not to see his dc that's on him not you. Seek some professional help of you haven't already

KangarooKenny · 09/07/2022 08:49

Here we go again……..

Ugzbugz · 09/07/2022 08:54

Hes a fucking twat. Fine he left you but who disowns their child? A fucking usless, dumb pathetic weasel.

Move on. And claim CM.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/07/2022 08:58

Move on get on with your life and your baby. Make sure you go to CM or what ever it is called these days.

Triffid1 · 09/07/2022 08:59

I'm pretty sure I have read previous posts from.you. and in every single one you seem to.tskr on responsibility for the fact that he is a complete dick. You were 'hormonal' and that means he's decided to have nothing to do with his child?

Stop trying to understand or take the blame. He's a complete wanker. Move on.

Original poster

Restell · 09/07/2022 08:59

@AnneLovesGilbert @KangarooKenny sorry for re post just having a low day. I’m having thrapry in real life but sometimes helps to talk here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Restell · 09/07/2022 09:01

@Ugzbugz @Triffid1 i was a dick and maybe he’s genuinely worried about being in touch because I was so much of a dick. It’s hard for me to not go over that possibility.

OP posts:

ClearestBlue · 09/07/2022 09:02

You know the answer.

Time to move on and forgive yourself, not that I think you’re in the wrong.

B0ssAssB1tch · 09/07/2022 09:03

Is it in the rules that people are only allowed to post once about an issue?

Sorry he's such a prick op. If he were a decent man nothing would keep him away from his child. He's not a good man.

Original poster

Restell · 09/07/2022 09:04

@B0ssAssB1tch even if he’s genuinely worried about being in touch with me? Which I guess would be my fault if I caused that by being a dick. I did try over the months and said let’s be nice to each other and at least speak etc. There was no engagement from him at all. Just find it so hard to understand.

OP posts:

sleepymum50 · 09/07/2022 10:29

Just remember there are women all over the world having pregnancies and being awash with hormones. There are a large number of them bickering with their boyfriends /husbands, and there could be times when they are “unreasonable”.

But this doesn’t make most men just walk away and refuse any contact. If he truly wanted to see his baby, but is “scared” of you, he would have sorted something else out (get a friend or relative to intercede).

I am sorry, but he is behaving very badly and it is not YOUR fault. He was looking for an out, and took it at the first opportunity.

Start thinking about yourself, because he certainly isn’t.

Minty90 · 09/07/2022 10:34

You post as many times as you god damn like.

This is not your fault. He's giving up on his responsibilities. Giving up on his DC. Make sure he pays you CM and try your hardest to move on. Focus on your DC and yourself. And keep posting here if it helps.

Walkingalot · 09/07/2022 10:48

He hasn't got a back bone OP. Not your fault. You've tried keeping him informed. He doesn't want to know. That's on him, not you.

Original poster

Restell · 09/07/2022 11:12

@Walkingalot @Minty90 @sleepymum50 thanks for talking about it, I really appreciate it as it helps me process things.

I guess women do get hormonal but I was pretty unkind to him at times. I couldn’t stand him drinking and would say that he shouldn’t be doing his job when he was so dependant on drink… quite unfair as he was only enjoying a drink after work and was only tipsy not drunk mostly. If he was distant or cold I would get very very upset… totally unlike me as usually I would chat to friends if I felt like that or take some time to myself. But I just went mad with him asking why he wasn’t engaging in things together and making plans to go on a last pre baby holiday, called him names etc. I apologised a lot for how I was and said that I was hurting from his actions and how cold he became but that regardless I was sorry and I meant that. He never got back to me, never commented on scan or baby pic or took me up on offer to visit or meet somewhere half way. I feel like I lost my DC a dad and that I am a monster. Because I behaved like one.

OP posts:

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 09/07/2022 12:10

B0ssAssB1tch · 09/07/2022 09:03

Is it in the rules that people are only allowed to post once about an issue?

Sorry he's such a prick op. If he were a decent man nothing would keep him away from his child. He's not a good man.

I agree. He’s a disgrace and you’re better off without him. Just make sure that he’s paying what he owes you, properly through CMS.

Ilosthim · 09/07/2022 15:07

Wow OP. No wonder you're struggling! Absolute silence is so hard to deal with and affords no closure. Makes it difficult to heal.

Is there someone who knows him that you could communciate via?

Claim child maintenance x

OneFootintheRave · 09/07/2022 15:28

To all those saying "hello again" "here we go again" etc. So you think OP should just shut up? Is she boring you now, or you're affronted that she hasn't just taken past advice on board and is all better now?

Sorry you are still stuck in this spiral OP. It can't be easy knowing your baby's father doesn't want to know. Sounds like he is still about though if some of what he's saying gets back to you.

Once you've accepted the situation, don't be surprised if he pops up again though. Good luck.

Springflower866 · 09/07/2022 17:16

Nothing justifies abandoning his own child. Even if you were an abusive narcissist. Please seek therapy. Your self esteem (like mine in the past) is very low.

Springflower866 · 09/07/2022 17:18

I don’t know why people make a fuss about OP posting multiple times… this forum is to vent and seek help. Not always every post receives many replies and posting again can also be an outlet to process emotions. I really do not mind

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 09/07/2022 17:27

I had a long relationship that ended in a similar way @Restell in terms of him cutting me dead. Just walked out one day and blocked me. That was it. It took me many years to come to terms with it and even 20yrs later if I think about it it makes me feel sick. I can’t imagine what that would be like with a baby involved.

Your ex is a coward and in the wrong. Reacting like that is not normal and indicates some kind of sociopathic streak to my mind, never mind the kind of bastard you’d have to be to just walk out on your unborn baby and never see it.

Its not your fault. I’m glad you’re having therapy. Well done for being strong for your baby. As they grow up they’ll realise which parent stepped up for them. Good luck.

Tothepoint99 · 09/07/2022 17:29

Ugzbugz · 09/07/2022 08:54

Hes a fucking twat. Fine he left you but who disowns their child? A fucking usless, dumb pathetic weasel.

Move on. And claim CM.

Roger that.

LilyMarshall · 09/07/2022 17:33

Have you put a claim in for child maintenance? That money is for your child. Dont let that go.

Automaticforthepeople · 09/07/2022 17:42

Hi OP,

It sounds like he is trying to blame you for his behaviour.

This is his behaviour. You are not accountable for it - he is.

I might sound a bit daft, but I found these phrases really helpful in the past, when being blamed for someone else's actions:

You don't own it.
You don't buy it.
You don't take it on.
You don't absorb it.

It is about him.

Although there were issues and arguments in your relationship, it does not warrant or justify him cutting you off and abandoning both you and his baby like this.

MsMcGonagall · 09/07/2022 18:08

look at these as reasons not to assign blame to yourself:

You have kept him updated with a series of updates. So there is no logical reason for him to feel scared of you. (which is ridiculous anyway). He has only said this because it looks better than just not being interested in your child.

He can be difficult, unkind, cold, hurtful. Think how horrid your life might be if he'd stayed. Think how horrid a dad he might be. Your child needs a loving safe home not one with him in it.

Only he can own his actions of leaving and not being in touch. Sounds like you had great reason to react to his unkindnesses and so forgive yourself and also be proud of yourself for standing up for your needs.

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