Why now? ***Trigger warning sexual assault***

[IfICouldReadYourMind]

sexual assault warning
Sorry this is long

A year before I met my husband I was casually dating someone, he'd come to my house with wine, presuming he spiked my drink as I passed out after 2 glasses. Won't go into too much detail but I came round to find myself in bed and he was having sex with me, tried to fight him off but I didn't have the strength so just froze up while he was hitting and biting me.

I was like a zombie the next day and in a lot of pain but had to go to work as I was on a final warning anyway. My best friend in work took one look at me and dragged me off to the toilets, I told her what happened from what I could remember and showed her all some of the bruises. I was just numb, she started crying and said she'd go to the police with me to report him. In hindsight I maybe should have done but I couldn't face it and just did my best to block it out. A while later I went for STI testing which thankfully was clear.

I started drinking heavily to cope with it all but managed to stop after a few months. My anxiety was horrendous, panic attacks etc which my GP gave me meds for, I didn't tell the reason behind it as I just wanted to block it all out.

The following year and a bit later I met my DH. I obviously never told him about the attack, I'd done a good job of burying it and disassociating myself from it.

We've been together now for 16 years. I love him to bits, he's my soul mate and means the world to me.

Over the years I've had the odd flashback, night terrors, etc but just got on with it. A few weeks ago totally out of the blue I had the most vivid flashback and since then I can't seem to get over it, keep crying, shaking, insomnia, stomach in knots etc.

DH obvs v concerned but I feel sick at the thought of telling him. Foolishly I told him that about 10 or 11 yrs ago an ex had got in touch, we sent a few messages to each other - just to see what we were up to - nothing whatsoever improper but DH was (rightly) incredibly hurt. Feel like a total failure. Also told him I'd faked a lot of orgasms, I have a huge mental block when it comes to it, it's not DH it's me.

Our sex life has come to a stop, we went away for the night in a posh hotel, went out for dinner and drinks. When we got back to the room both got ready for bed, wasn't really planning on sex. DH came out of the bathroom and jumped on me, slapping me etc, he's stronger than me so I ended up just freezing and started crying. He straightaway stopped and was very apologetic. I think it was just down to the drink.

I don't know why I'm in such a mess now, I told DH that I was attacked a year before we met but gave him no further details, he said whenever I'm ready he'll be there to listen and he's been an angel with me.

Would counselling help? Feel like DH is really hurt, and I feel destroyed at the moment, does anyone have any advice? Thank you xx

Your DH jumped on you and started slapping you? Sorry OP but are you saying your DH attacked you too?

You need to tell your DH the truth, even though it will be a really hard conversation. And you need to talk to a counsellor who specialises in rape. Don't let it destroy you from the inside out.

I'm so very sorry that you went through all of this.

Hey op. Find a counsellor and process the trauma with them
first.
so sorry you’ve been through this.

Your DH slapped you? That’s atrocious. I’d imagine he’s controlling and abusive in other ways too which will be contributing to your anxiety and possibly flashbacks.

I think you’d benefit from some counselling for your trauma. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.

Oh and you do need to leave your husband if he’s been physically abusive as it will escalate.

I'm so sorry this happened to you just know It's never too late to ask for help you could get in touch with rape crises they will support you - in our area it was to face by email or by text messages. Just be kind to yourself 💐

Your DH did that to you? That's horrible. Why would he do that?
You need to leave him. He is not a good person.

Certainly from my own experience I think this is the way with past trauma. You find ways to block it out and manage and cope with it and then it just finds its way to the surface.

It has come to the surface for you so it is time to deal with what happened to you. Honestly I don’t think most people have the skills to speak about this level of stuff and so friends and family will let you down so it is best to speak to a trauma informed therapist rather than sharing this level of vulnerability with your DH or anyone until you are ready to. You need to be validated with whatever feelings you have along the way and random people just cannot do that.

It is a a process to develop new realisations and find other ways of dealing with what you have experienced but it does happen.

I don’t know what to say about what your DH did, I think that will have to come out as you move through your healing process.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know the term PTSD is thrown around so much these days but it sounds like this may possibly be what you’re experiencing.
Counselling is a really good idea and finding the right counsellor who knows how to work with trauma is important.
This isn’t going to go away without processing and working through what happened to you. My very basic understanding (and someone with a better understanding may come along and correct me) is that when something traumatic happens and you don’t process it, the memories aren’t stored correctly in the brain - they remain ‘live’ rather than ‘complete and finished’. Because if this your body re experiences things as if it’s happening - flashbacks. Flashbacks can be more than visual too and the emotions that run with the experience resurface and it’s like you are right back where it all happened. When you process the memory, the brain stores the memory in the right place and although you will always remember what happened to you, the emotions that run with it and the affect that the memory has on you will be different.
processing trauma is a slow and careful process and also not easy. Take care OP. I hope you manage to work through this and find freedom from it.

EMDR is a therapy worth looking into too. It allows the integration of the memories without the talking aspect which often only serves to re trigger the memories.

I won’t go into details but I started to have flashbacks to something that happened more than 40 years ago. It was like I had a set of photos that suddenly kept popping up in my head at completely random times. I thought I was going mad.
what worked for me was finding a very good therapist who was trained in EMDR. Over the course of maybe 6 sessions we did some EMDR stuff and lots of talking about current life. It brought about some profound understanding of how my past experiences have impacted me across the years and continued to affect me. It has been liberating and life-changing (but some of it has been hard work and has impacted my current relationships). I’d recommend that you consider this route.

Your husband slapped you? What an absolute bastard! Drink or not there's no excuse for violence.

Sorry for not replying earlier and thanks for all the really helpful replies.

DH has never hit me apart from that incident recently, and I do honestly think he just got carried away. Maybe some kind of rough sex fantasy? I don't know.

After the assault years ago I did just block it out completely so it's interesting that the memories stay 'live' rather than processed. I never told anyone apart from my friend in work and only told her as she knew something had happened.

I'm going to look into EMDR counselling, that sounds like it could be helpful. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I keep thinking I must be a really bad person but I know I'm not. Just feel so overwhelmed.

Thanks everyone xx

I‘m so sorry this happened to you and really hope you do speak to a professional about everything that’s happened in the past.

Re your husband - I do think there’s a tendency on mumsnet for people just to shout “leave him, he’s abusing you” even though we don’t know the full story. If he literally came out and slapped you round the face I would say that’s clearly different from him slapping your bum lightly/sexually in the lead up to sex so maybe something to talk to your counsellor about if you choose to speak to one xx

You need to tell your H the truth and about how violent the assault on you was. He will then see how horrendous his drunken sexual fantasy that he was trying to reenact on you, was. I'm not saying it's right to ever lay your hands on someone, but if this was once in 16 years and he thought this was playful sexual slapping which you said stop to and he did immediately, I don't think it's worth throwing 16 years of supportive marriage away for. There was no intention to harm, and I'm open minded enough to say some sexual fantasies are enjoyed by many people. He just didn't realise how this would affect you.

You absolutely must see a counsellor and talk about these feelings. Rape crisis and various other organisations can help you. Whether you would be able to go forward to the police is entirely down to you, but someone getting away with rape is just salt in the wound of the attack.

I think the whole thing is going to be a huge test of the strength of your marriage. Not just Hs behaviour on the night, but his support, or lack of it for you in the coming months.

That is very typical. Sexual assault/rape kill your self esteem. You will be able to see, in time, you and your responses to the abuse are all appropriate, it is the abuse that wasn’t appropriate. One of the main defense mechanisms we use is minimisation and so we internalise “it wasn’t that bad” so when it comes up for us we blame ourselves for not being able to cope which kills our self esteem.

Is it me?
My partner was really rough with me out of the blue during sex. Am I over reacting? My partner was putting out all the signals he'd like to have sex. My back has been playing up so I said can we go gentle please and from behind as its painful for me to lay flat on my back. He was actually hurting me and I couldn't lift myself up I had my face stuffed into a cushion and he was what I felt being very aggressive. I know why didn't I say or scream. I've been in therapy a year all to do with childhood trauma and people pleasing. Maybe it's me. Or should I say something?

Oh Saskia22 please seek advice from someone in RL what your partner did is not acceptable and not what a loving partner would do look after yourself 💐

Of course you’re not a bad person. Wtaf, your ‘d’h jumped on you and slapped you?! Please get some counselling. And tell him to stay the fuck away from you.