Porn

[Danielle15]

Hi, I feel quite awkward posting this so please bare with. I need to start off by saying I am mildly neurodivergent and struggle to voice my boundaries because I don’t know how to word things and worry about making the other person uncomfortable. Trust me, I know I need help with this in general and I am getting better there’s just some things I can’t cope with. One of these things is my partner and his love of porn. I have no problem with him watching it, I don’t consider it cheating or anything like that, but I myself don’t enjoy porn. I also don’t enjoy sexting. My partner (we don’t live together) watches it maybe 4 times a week and likes to show me what he’s watching. I humour him but honestly I don’t care and don’t want to see it. It doesn’t turn me on, if anything it annoys me. I feel uneasy about how to tell him I don’t like it seeing as I’ve allowed him to show me for so long (a year) I don’t want to embarrass him but the annoyance is building up inside me. If anyone can suggest how I get him to just do his thing without sharing it with me I’d be grateful. Thank you!

Oh dear - just ditch him. He likes it; he is getting you to watch it for HIS pleasure, not yours.

He sounds a complete dick - give him the heave-ho. Tell him to find someone else; or find another hobby that does not involve exploiting women.

No no sorry, he is not getting me to watch it, I havnt been able to find the words to say “I don’t like it” so he thinks I’m ok with it. He knows I never watched it before we met but because I havnt been vocal enough about not being ok with him sending me links and screenshots to what he’s watching, I find myself stuck without knowing how to tell him kindly that I’d prefer him to just get on with it without feeling the need to tell me. He is a lovely man, this is my issue that I find it hard to express myself without worrying x

Your boyfriend has a problem and you are ok with that? A lot of men may watch porn but him letting you know and trying to share with you is strange. You should definitely not be ok with his habbit and realise it is an addiction like any other, encourage him to stop watching porn and make efforts to have more intimacy. Be patient at first but start to set boundaries and stick to them.

We have a good sex life, it’s Just his way to relax he said. I did wonder if it’s an addiction but I can’t find any solid facts on what is a normal amount. He doesn’t pay for it. I don’t mind him doing it as I don’t see it as cheating, but I’m wanting to find the words to say I’m not interested in being a part of it. I think it’s a good idea what you’ve said to go gentle at first x

How did the sending you links and screenshots come about? That sounds bizarre.

Just like “this is what I’m watching”….”I love this” etc he said he gets off on showing me. I desperately want to find my voice, I’ll probably be so relieved when I do. It won’t cause us to split up if I mention it but if I don’t it potentially could cause I’ll eventually bubble over

Why do you have to tell him kindly? - just tell him!

I think you could just say "It's OK with me if you want to watch porn, but I don't feel like watching it these days, so no need to send it to me." If he's a lovely guy as you say then hopefully he'll understand. If he asks more questions you can just keep saying lightly that it's fine for him to do his thing but it's just not your thing now. No need to try to delve into why you're changing things - just this is how you feel now. Hope the conversation goes well if you have one!

Thank you so much. Those words are perfect. Really simple to some, but I struggle to find words and how to organise them sometimes. I always worry that when I voice my opinions I come across too harsh. He is a very reasonable person and he will be fine about it. I’m good at writing stuff down but some conversations I feel aren’t for a text message and should be done face to face….but that’s when I struggle to find words lol

I'm the complete opposite! My DP watches porn a lot, always been a bone of contention because he has often chosen it over sex/sexual interaction with me. It's the secretiveness I can't stand - Id LOVE for him to include me by sharing it with me! There's no reason why he has to watch porn, we live together and don't have sex often enough as far as I'm concerned. But it's his preference so I have to put up with it.