DM DD feuding

[MumwithAspieTraits]

DM and DD have been feuding for years - constant bickering and nasty digs and comments. According to DM plenty of fireworks out of sight of the family. They are in 70s.

It has got to the point recently where they each want to spend time with me away from the other. Now they want me to spend a day with each of them away from the other, to each have me to themselves. They have very different interests and want to spend the interests with me. I feel like they are literally counting the minutes I spend with the other to make sure it is equal and get jealous and angry if it is not.

I would rather visit them and chat to them both together, but they especially like to gossip about the other to me behind the other's back. That is especially most of what DM wants to talk about as well as gossip about DB and his family (I expect this is reciprocated and DM gossips about me and my family to DB).

I don't like to be piggy in the middle I find it stressful. I feel divided in two.

I also have a family and DH and feel under pressure to start spending whole days with each of them when I need to look after DH and family. Should I?

Bump

Please advise or offer support (or criticism!). I find the whoie dynamic with the two of them very upsetting. Surely someone else has been through this? with feuding parents?

Or am I the only one?

Sorry but as a woman with ASD I find it doubly difficult to manage.

Hope someone can help.

Thanks.

I would not go along with it OP. They are trying to put you in the middle of their relationship and that is not fair on offspring, even adult ones. If they are unhappy, they need to resolve it themselves. Additionally, you are not in charge of their entertainment, like a frazzled court jester.

Bit of distance and maybe make (more occasional) plans to see them together while doing something where they can't collar you and make you listen to the grumbles, perhaps something like a family meal or involving the kids?

They can only do this if you let them.

I agree.
Say no.
Tell them if they don't want you to visit them that's fine but you are not getting involved with their ridiculousness.

Suggest they split up if they hate each other so much.

It's easy to treat your parents like kids but they are adults and responsible for their own lives.

Tell them to sort out their relationship and leave you out of it.

Oh and shut down any moaning about each other.

It will only cause you much anxiety if they use you as an emotional crutch.

Is this your mum DM
and your daughter DD

@Robin233 I think DMum & DDad

I read it as Ddaughter until another poste commented thought why would you not see your daughter!

FFS, take a MASSIVE step back, and tell them clearly that you are not their mediator.

You are not responsible for navigating your parents relationship. That's their job. If they aren't happy, they are more than welcome to get a divorce. You have your own life, stop being a doormat.

Thank you all for your help. I suggested they get a divorce. DM said "But I love him". So I have started going to their house and going for walks with DD on the same day. Seems to be working well so far!