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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need help—would this worry you?

24 replies

blisstwins · 08/07/2022 18:41

I am divorced a few years and am seeing someone. We are exclusive, but it is long-distance for at least a year. We are early stages, but serious.

my ex husband cheated on me a spectacularly and left me for a woman 22 years younger. I trusted him and it turns out he made a mockery of my life.

Current guy mentioned his hairdresser once, no biggie. Said he got it cut before seeing me and the woman has done his hair for years.

his son had a haircut scheduled and just no showed. My BF was livid and wanted to pay for the cut anyway.

i have been worrying about something with regard to my son. He told me about her son (it was relevant$, but just added that his hairdresser is jn a relationship. Why would he add that?

he buys his shampoo from the salon. Usually gets it when he gets his haircut, but mentioned stopping in the buy it when he ran out.

he has to have a crush on this woman, right?

what do I do about it?

people can’t help their feelings and she has cut his hair for 20 years. I don’t have reason to think he has or will do anything.

tempted to say nothing and end it, but that seems insane and extreme, especially if I am wrong. But I cannot take a repeat of my marriage.

wwyd?
I don’t want him to think I am crazy or insecure either.

I appreciate any insights.

OP posts:
KurriKawari · 08/07/2022 18:50

Eh
He should pay the hairdresser if his son didn't turn up for appointment.
Hairdressers often sell shampoo that you can't buy from boots etc.
If you find a good hairdresser then you stick to them.

Violet790 · 08/07/2022 18:51

Just stopping in to buy shampoo is wierd. I'd find that odd. But why would he tell you that? I think you should ask him about it? So what if he think you're crazy or insecure. He's acting wierd!

KurriKawari · 08/07/2022 18:52

You said he'd ran out of shampoo....

litterbird · 08/07/2022 18:53

If she has cut his hair for 20 years and he hasn’t attempted any form of relationship with her in that time I don’t think you have anything to worry about. What you should be worrying about is bringing your past anxieties into this new relationship. Stop, leave your past at the door and don’t project it onto your new relationship.

Mushroomlady · 08/07/2022 18:54

Sorry but I think you are being paranoid.

bloodywhitecat · 08/07/2022 18:55

How do you get from paying for his no-show son's haircut and stopping in to buy shampoo to he must have a crush on her? If he's run out of shampoo what else is he supposed to do?

Violet790 · 08/07/2022 18:56

I misread the 'ran out' bit. I thought you meanr running out for groceries or something, not 'running out' of shampoo. Slightly less wierd in them circumstances.

Original poster
blisstwins · 08/07/2022 18:58

Thank you. I appreciate this. I actually did not think it was anything weird until he mentioned that she was divorced but in a relationship. He was married for a long time, and is pretty recently divorced after a long separation.

I definitely have anxiety and am trying (therapy and antidepressants) plus time. I am not newly divorced and my kids will start uni next year, so I took my time.

I just feel very very fragile on this particular issue.

OP posts:
Pkwq · 08/07/2022 18:59

You ARE being extreme!! Massively so.
He has mentioned his hairdresser and mentioned she is.in a relationship? That's it ?

Honestly, maybe you should be single and give yourself time.to sort your head out.

Original poster
blisstwins · 08/07/2022 19:06

Pkwq · 08/07/2022 18:59

You ARE being extreme!! Massively so.
He has mentioned his hairdresser and mentioned she is.in a relationship? That's it ?

Honestly, maybe you should be single and give yourself time.to sort your head out.

He has mentioned her several times and I did not think anything until he told
me she is in a relationship. Why would you include that?

and normally I would agree that I need more time but it has been about 5 years. My ex lied, gaslit, and turned me upset side and stole 20 years of my life. I don’t think I will ever be the same or be able to trust fully as I did him.

but I am trying not to sabotage this unless this is something others would also think twice about.

I am in my 50s and feel like such an idiot.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 08/07/2022 19:40

I think you're looking for monsters that aren't there OP.

As previous posters have said, you're projecting your cheating ex's behaviour on to your current partner - why? What will it achieve?

Original poster
blisstwins · 08/07/2022 20:05

You guys really don’t think it is weird he told me her relationship status? If nothing, why would he mention it?

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 08/07/2022 20:41

“i have been worrying about something with regard to my son. He told me about her son (it was relevant$, but just added that his hairdresser is jn a relationship.”

This confuses me (it might well be my hormonal brain tonight).

I thought you was talking about your partner and his son. Not your son.

So it was your son who told you tha…

No, it was your partner’s son who told you abo…

No, err, right, it was the hairdresser’s son, in the hallway, with the candlestick

Please tell me that was autocorrect having an epic fail.

But in all seriousness, (and if I’ve actually understood this correctly) your partner mentions his hairdresser has a son and that she (your partner’s hairdresser) is in a relationship?

I sort of get where you’re coming from (your past experience has put your senses on high alert at any mention of other women) but I think it’s one of those “needed to be there and read the body language” situations to fully understand properly. Do you think he has Mentionitis about his hairdresser?

I don’t talk about my hairdresser (who I’ve known for 10 years) beyond “gossip” that she’s heard. So maybe, yeah, if he’s mentioning her and her life a fair bit then ..

Does he talk about pals and workmates (males) the same way?

TokyoTen · 08/07/2022 20:46

You guys really don’t think it is weird he told me her relationship status?

Perhaps he told you so you wouldn't worry - he may have twigged you are worried because honestly you sound really paranoid. Unless proven beyond doubt otherwise he's just having his hair cut and buying shampoo!

Violet790 · 08/07/2022 20:55

DatingDinosaur · 08/07/2022 20:41

“i have been worrying about something with regard to my son. He told me about her son (it was relevant$, but just added that his hairdresser is jn a relationship.”

This confuses me (it might well be my hormonal brain tonight).

I thought you was talking about your partner and his son. Not your son.

So it was your son who told you tha…

No, it was your partner’s son who told you abo…

No, err, right, it was the hairdresser’s son, in the hallway, with the candlestick

Please tell me that was autocorrect having an epic fail.

But in all seriousness, (and if I’ve actually understood this correctly) your partner mentions his hairdresser has a son and that she (your partner’s hairdresser) is in a relationship?

I sort of get where you’re coming from (your past experience has put your senses on high alert at any mention of other women) but I think it’s one of those “needed to be there and read the body language” situations to fully understand properly. Do you think he has Mentionitis about his hairdresser?

I don’t talk about my hairdresser (who I’ve known for 10 years) beyond “gossip” that she’s heard. So maybe, yeah, if he’s mentioning her and her life a fair bit then ..

Does he talk about pals and workmates (males) the same way?

In the hallway with the candlestick 😂🤣😂

Original poster
blisstwins · 08/07/2022 21:58

Sorry—autocorrect and being crazy.

yes…mentionitis

this is a long-distance relationship and the mentions were not in person so I don’t know

she has come up in conversation on at least 5 occasions in the last few months

my son is not doing well in school
he said my hairdressers son had a similar problem and this is how she handled it

he added that she is divorced but in a relationship

until he added her relationship status I thought nothing of this. I thought he was a great guy for offering trying to pay when his son missed (she refused payment), thiught I never met a man who cared so much about a brand of shampoo that they went to their salon when out instead of just buying shampoo, and then we he added that but I thought ….. oh….he likes her.

mentionitis

inhave been there before. My ex made a very sweet donation to a nurse’s marathon fundraiser. I thought the amount was weird and inappropriate (it was a lot and thoughtful) and he convinced me he was just setting oral for the department (he was the chief physician) etc etc. turns out they were having an affair and others. So him throwing in the tidbit about her relationship status registered. Why say anything if you aren’t thinking about her relationship status?

does that make more sense? I don’t want to feel this way. I just don’t want to be with someone who likes someone else.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 09/07/2022 00:39

It’s not the amount of time you’ve been single, it’s the work you’ve done on yourself while you’ve been single that makes the difference and I think you still have work to do.

I’ve had the same hairdresser for 5 years, we talk about family and kids and relationships and I might mention that some of what we talk about if it’s relevant in conversations with others. There’s nothing in it other than friendly chat while he does my highlights and I’d be amazed if someone took it to mean there was more going on.

Youre clearly still dealing with the impact of previous betrayal - understandably so - maybe explore with your therapist how you understand what happened with your ex and how that affects how you are in relationships with others.

AnaïsM · 09/07/2022 00:54

blisstwins · 08/07/2022 20:05

You guys really don’t think it is weird he told me her relationship status? If nothing, why would he mention it?

Are you the sort of person who gets suspicious if your partner speaks to or mentions another woman? If so he’d maybe say this to reassure you, rather than have you worry over nothing.

Mochalatteeyeahyaya · 09/07/2022 01:06

OP you are projecting and over reacting... If I understand correctly ,he was telling you about his hairdresser ,who like you is having trouble with her son and like you is divorced and in a relationship ???.... Was this not ment to be the way it was taken or did he say something totally different to that ?.

orangebasin · 09/07/2022 07:06

blisstwins · 08/07/2022 20:05

You guys really don’t think it is weird he told me her relationship status? If nothing, why would he mention it?

It is a bit weird yes but what I’ve learnt is that men can be weird for lots of reasons, not just the ones that would seem relevant to us. It could be that he’s just relating a detail to you from his life to make you feel more present (as it’s long distance). Or also it could be that he’s just one of those middle aged men who has become a bit obsessed with his appearance/hair. I’d say buying the special shampoo sounds more like that than the other. If she fancied him she’d have tipped him off about a cheaper shampoo that was just as good. Truth! Good luck OP. Being done over by liars plays havoc on your whole life. I hope your ex falls into a ditch or nettles. I’m glad your new man has a good barnet. Give yourself permission not to ruminate on this.

orangebasin · 09/07/2022 07:07

A ditch of nettles.

Lozzerbmc · 09/07/2022 07:31

I think it is natural that your senses would be on high alert and I can relate to that. However given he has had this hairdresser for 20 years it’s understandable that he would know her quite well and they would talk. I think if he wanted to be with her he would’ve been by now. He wants to be with you….

pinkunicorns54 · 09/07/2022 08:53

I honestly think he was trying to reassure you that there is nothing there and she's in a relationship, perhaps sensed your unease due to your previous experiences?

youcantparktheresir · 09/07/2022 09:03

Yeah I think you're being paranoid too and looking for something out of nothing

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