Alcoholic friend

[Justnotsureaboutit2021]

I have recently found out that one of my friends is an alcoholic. She has been for the past 20 years or so and has started to seek help from AA, her GP, social services (as there are children involved) and via a counsellor. Each time i see her she explains a little bit more as to why she is driven to drink and how it affects her on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. I have no idea how I can support her through this. I have a challenging childhood myself so can relate to some of the trauma that she experienced as a child but not the drinking and the addiction part. If anyone on this forum has any experience of this, either as a recovered/recovering alcoholic or a friend of one I'd really appreciate any insight. I am scared for her and for her children. She has so much to lose and its heartbreaking to watch all this unravel in front of her, her family and her friends. thankyou in advance

It's very nice of you to want to support your friend and it's good that she is seeking help and support. I don't think you need to worry about her losing what she has now as she is getting help now and has not lost them the past 20 years of drinking so she must be loved by a lot of people and fortunate.

Some ways which I think can show support:

• Meeting up in non-boozy situations and doing sober activities
• Listening to her if she wants to talk and you are able to listen. If it's triggering explain to her that you find this subject difficult
• Celebrate her milestones with her
• Remind her of her good qualities that you see in her. Alcohol can take over a person's identity but there is more to her than booze or AA. Compliment her and acknowledge anything good she does.
• Don't criticise what she needs to do to stay sober. Some people don't like AA or yoga or religions or whatever but if something is working for a person please don't talk negatively about it
• Understand if she needs to leave a place early maybe because she finds the situation triggering or too much. Still invite her but don't pressure her to turn up or to stay
• Always have plenty of non-alcoholic drinks when she is around and avoid drinking around her. Some people say that it's fine specially if they have been sober for a while but some find the smell and seeing another person get tipsy triggering
• There are friends and family groups with Smart Recovery and AA and other groups.
• Understand that she may lapse but failure is when you stop trying. It's part of the recovery process to lapse but it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be sober

Have you asked her what support she'd like from you?

@TheOnion has pretty much said it all. Your friend has decided sobriety is what she wants, all you can do is support her in that.

The only thing I would add is that if she relapses, be there for her. Offer sympathy, remind her that her meetings have given her the coping strategies she needs to get back on track and that setbacks are part of the recovery journey. You sound like a great friend. Just don't get sucked in and try to 'rescue' her if things really go wrong because that way lies madness.

Thankyou for your advice @TheOnion @pointythings , I will take those points on board going forward. I have been trying to remind her of her strength in all of this but she is very up and down with her sobriety journey. I am also mindful of not getting too sucked into this and it becoming my issue to deal with so thankyou in particular @pointythings for that reminder.

To answer your question @Watchkeys , I have asked her and she really doesn't know what she needs. She feels so dreadful both physically and mentally from it all and so incredibly upset with herself when she starts drinking again. Other than me taking away the pain of it which I obviously can't, she really doesn't know what I can do to help her. She has a few times said how appreciative she is of me just talking to her about the situation so I think that is probably it for this stage, a listening ear and a supporter to remind her that she can get through this and every step forward is going in the right direction, no matter how hard this is. I don't have alcohol addiction as my family experience therefore this has been a massive eye opener for me which at times I have found upsetting.

I am an alcoholic, in recovery, meaning I don’t drink anymore. I honestly can’t think of anything I would need from a non alcoholic friend, the only people I would want to talk to, if anyone, would be other alcoholics in recovery.

I think that there are some simple things you can try to do as have been mentioned already, like not drinking yourself and meeting in coffee shops not wine bars during what sounds like her early days. Maybe you could gently ask her if she is still attending meetings / finding them helpful. But otherwise, no I don’t think there is much you can do and she will know that too.

All the best op

The biggest piece of advice I can give is that you can support her but you must not ever allow yourself to feel responsible for her behaviour, good or bad. Addiction is an illness, but it can be very destructive for those around the addict. If you feel you need to talk to others who are in a similar position I can recommend a group called Al-anon - it's for those who are affected by a loved one's drinking.

Sadly, my mum battled with alcoholism for 30+ years and she passed away in May - cihrosis of the liver. Some people sadly just cannot be helped. I hope it's different for your friend x