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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex/gender panic before scan please help

14 replies

hjeuo · 08/07/2022 15:29

DP left me in early pregnancy. I went back and forth about continuing. I have the scan tomorrow to tell me the sex and I am worrying no end about whether it would be better for a boy or a girl to have an absent dad. I am also worrying if it’s a boy I won’t be able to have the same insight as I would for a girl and maybe they would need a dad even more than a girl would. I also worried if it is a girl they would struggle more so without a father figure for attachment/relationship reasons. Ex DP has taken no interest at all and it breaks my heart - this is a man who earns huge amounts in a great career and went on and on about wanting to be a dad. Im devastated for the baby.

All these worries are at the forefront before the scan tomorrow. Can any single parents or any parents please help me deal with this? I am in such a state.

OP posts:
GrilledWatermelon · 08/07/2022 15:41

You're over thinking this. Your child has YOU. You are enough, whether boy or girl!

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, try to calm down. Who do you have to support you in RL? What about your own parents?

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2022 15:43

Are there any nice men around you? Father, friends etc.?

The most important thing for BOTH sexes is not witnessing violence and abuse. Being single is good for that!

Seaoftroubles · 08/07/2022 15:54

Please try not to overthink this. Whatever the sex of your baby you will love and care for it and provide what it needs.That's what's important right now.You will be the most important figure in your little ones life and you will work out the rest as you go along. Concentrate on the now, and on the well being being of your baby and yourself. Congratulations, and wishing you all the best.

Seaoftroubles · 08/07/2022 15:55

Sorry, should say that's what's important right now

GreyCarpet · 08/07/2022 16:29

The sex of your child is absolutely irrelevant. And, tbh, even if it weren't, there's nothing you can do about it so worrying in advance of the scan is pointless - it'll change nothing!

Some men are dicks and it's actually better not to have them out of your child's life. Be the best mum you can be to your child and you won't go far wrong (oh and that includes having fixed ideas about them based upon whether they're a boy or a girl 😉).

Original poster
hjeuo · 08/07/2022 16:47

Thanks everyone I’ve been in bits about it all so much. My sister has a baby boy but then I worry they will grow up seeing their cousin with a dad and they don’t have one :( I feel it would be worse impact on a boy for some reason?

OP posts:
CousinKrispy · 08/07/2022 16:54

You will be a great parent, whatever your child is!

PP was correct..... it's more important that your child grows up in a calm and loving home than in a home with a male role model but poorly-handled conflict or mistreatment or abuse.

You will do absolutely fine!

Pinkbonbon · 08/07/2022 18:34

So long as you are capable love and of discipline the child will be absolutely fine.

Don't over compensate by spoiling.

But make sure the child knows they can always talk to you about things moving forwards. And be honest from the start about their dad.

Original poster
hjeuo · 08/07/2022 18:46

Will impact be worse on boy or girl do you think?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2022 19:29

hjeuo · 08/07/2022 18:46

Will impact be worse on boy or girl do you think?

Kids are individuals. Girls and boys have more in common than they do to distinguish them. Treat your child's needs as important as they come up.

You'll be fine. Do t borrow trouble.

pog100 · 08/07/2022 19:41

Relationships with absent parents are not at all gender specific. They depend on the character of the child and the behaviour of the parents and wider family. You need to stop worrying about irrelevant and anyway fixed things and concentrate on providing the best environment you can. You are enough, as countless millions of single parents have proven.

5128gap · 08/07/2022 19:41

hjeuo · 08/07/2022 18:46

Will impact be worse on boy or girl do you think?

It makes no difference. I have one friend who is a single parent to girls now in their teens. They are a fabulous household of strong women, led by a mother who has been a role model of strength and independence all their lives. The girls are assertive, capable and know what women can achieve without any support from men.
Another friend is a single parent to a fantastic young man, now in his 20s. They are incredibly close, go on holidays and nights out together and are the best of friends. He is absolutely lovely, so respectful of his mum, his GF and women in general.
None of these young people even knew their dad's but I'd defy anyone to say a better job could have been done had those men stayed around.

GreyCarpet · 09/07/2022 09:35

5128gap · 08/07/2022 19:41

It makes no difference. I have one friend who is a single parent to girls now in their teens. They are a fabulous household of strong women, led by a mother who has been a role model of strength and independence all their lives. The girls are assertive, capable and know what women can achieve without any support from men.
Another friend is a single parent to a fantastic young man, now in his 20s. They are incredibly close, go on holidays and nights out together and are the best of friends. He is absolutely lovely, so respectful of his mum, his GF and women in general.
None of these young people even knew their dad's but I'd defy anyone to say a better job could have been done had those men stayed around.

Show quote history

I have one of each - a son in his 20s and a teenage daughter.

You've just described my relationship with them both!

I'm a single parent too.

pointythings · 09/07/2022 10:14

Honestly it makes no difference. As long as you are the best parent you can be (that does NOT mean you have to be perfect!) your DC will be fine. Surround yourself with good people, male and female, and all will be well.

And make sure your ex partner pays.

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