Been in a relationship with a lovely man for nearly 5 years. I feel his adult sons (35 & 39) refuse to acknowledge our relationship is serious. I’m quite a shy person and feel really uncomfortable around them after a series of awkward/unpleasant encounters. The younger one rarely speaks to me and my attempts at chatting don’t get much response and he generally keeps watching tv or leaves the room. I don’t go into the house very often although I’m there for a few hours every day (I keep a pony at the farm) My partner has had a heart attack and a bad farming accident during our time together. He was in hospital for a few months and during this time the boys asked me to the house to talk about what I know about the money coming in from the horse side of his business and also if we had ever discussed marriage. It was pointed out that I’m not getting any younger- I’m 49. I also went into the house to ask if they had a phone charger to take to the hospital one day (I have my own key from DP) and the son later told me I had no business going into ‘his house’ calling his name. I was mortified. Now my partner has recently proposed neither of them has mentioned it.
One son temporarily moved into my partners house after his long term girlfriend broke up with him nearly 3 years ago and is showing no sign of moving out.
My partner stays at my house every night and we eat dinner together there. My son lives at home (23) He gets on well with my partner. His first wife died young (the boys were under 10) and his second wife moved with her 4 children into his house a few years later. Their divorce was unpleasant and very expensive. We met during this time. I know my partner wants to live in his home but is reluctant to do so with me as it would mean possibly displacing his son. Also I think he’s frightened of the possibility of another woman having a claim on his property. An ex girlfriend took him to court after they broke up (she lived with him for a year) and was awarded £25,000 as she helped with bills.
I have no financial interest in his house, I would just like us to build a home together instead of feeling like we are in limbo. His business is run from his property and the boys also keep their machinery etc there. I own my house and it’s comfortable but it seems such a shame my partner is not enjoying his own home. Two sets of household bills are really mounting up and he has very little to spare. His property is large and I should imagine the council tax and energy bills are huge.I would like to be able to help but it’s tricky to bring the subject up without both of us getting frustrated. He said his son is planning to build a double storey garage which will then be converted into a house at a later date. (The other married so lives in a mobile home in another part of the property) We had planned to do AirB&B at his house before his son moved in and I think they convinced him it wasn’t a good idea. Now they are buying a caravan to AirB&B at the property themselves.
I understand that losing their Mum so young was very traumatic. My son lost his father aged 2 and we worked with the bereavement charity Cruse for a while mainly in his teens and he’s accepted the way things are now. I suggested to the boys they could go to Cruse with their father and they did seem amenable to the idea it could help:
I was over the moon when he proposed. But I now can’t see a way forward. I don’t think we can afford to get married. DP is mid 60s and I worry he’s working way too hard. He was very lucky not to die last year after being crushed. He’s got a bad limp still and it’s an effort for him to just walk let alone everything else. I want to be able to make a comfortable home for him and provide meals etc. By the time he’s finished his work at his place most evenings it is 7.30/8, I can be working late there too but separately. Do I suggest he moves permanently into my home? Or just leave things as they are until he’s feeling better? Also, when in the boys company he is very stilted with me. If on the yard with them he won’t call out or chat with me like normal. The boys tend not to look at me. I have tried cheery hellos etc in the past but I don’t know how to handle it for the best.
Part of me thinks would it be easier for my DP if I wasn’t on the scene..it’s so difficult. He does acknowledge they don’t seem keen on our relationship and apologises to me when they’ve been rude. Sorry for long rambling message!