Can anyone help or relate?

[Mostlyannoyed]

Hi all, this is my first post here, I'm hoping someone can offer some advice.

I'm early 40s and married, with a 16 yr old child, who we both adore. No issues there at all.
Unfortunately, I think our marriage has run it's course.
We get on brilliantly, but are more like room-mates than lovers, and that is my choice, not his, as I don't want to be intimate with him at all. I just don't see him like that anymore.

I cheated on him around 10 years ago and we separated, but got back together a year later, mostly for my child's sake. It just hasn't been the same since, and that's all on me.

I've told my OH that I don't like or want sex, which he took really hard, but wants to stay together regardless, but it isn't true. I still want and need it, just not with him.

I get random crushes on other people, none of which I've acted on, but it just makes me realise how much I'd love a relationship with someone I can't keep my hands off.

Neither of us want to throw our marriage away, aside from the physical side it's pretty great, but at the same time I feel stuck, and desperate for a way out.

I'm so confused.

Maybe the solution is to secretly open the marriage then? Try and suggest that? H Yh at way you both get your way.

Discuss you having sex with other people.

I would have no issue with him going elsewhere, but he definitely would with me doing it.

To get out of having sex, I've told him that I have zero sex drive. It felt a kinder thing to do than tell him I just didn't want sex with him specifically.

So you've lied to him about how you feel.

You could tell him the truth? How would you expect things to turn out in a way that makes you happy, if you're not even prepared to be honest about how you feel?

I have lied, yes, because I didn't want to hurt him and admit that I just didn't want sex with him. At the time it seemed the kinder of the two options, and I still think he'd rather hear a lie than be told I just don't see him 'like that' anymore.

You will get nowhere by lying, if you want a relationship outside the marriage, then tell him, he can then decide what he wants to do?

It's one thing staying in a sexless marriage, but another if your partner is having sex outside the marriage.

Only he can decide his limit.

So you do not intend to act on your feelings?

Ignore what you want and feel for a moment. Think about your DH. Do you not think that it would be fairer on him if he was able to go and enjoy a relationship with someone who did find him sexually attractive?

It's not that I'm going to cheat on him, or that I want sex outside the marriage. The issue is that most other areas of our relationship are fine, do we throw all that away? Or just both live sexless, but reasonably content lives together. It's been years since I've been intimate, and potentially could be years again if we stay together, but is that fair on either of us?

I'm not making much sense I don't think, as I'm so down atm.

I have told him I would be fine if he went elsewhere, and that I just want him to be happy. He doesn't want to separate though, as we have a child, mortgage etc. As sad as it is, I often hope he'll meet someone who can give him what he wants and make him happy, but atm we just seem stuck.

By lying to him, you're reducing the options he has for his future.

Maybe he's hoping that you'll feel differently in the future? If he knew the truth, he might, ultimately, choose something different either with or without you.

Saying you're doing it to 'save his feelings' is cowardly, treating him like a child and taking away his autonomy.

The issue is that most other areas of our relationship are fine, do we throw all that away

It's not throwing anything away. You can remain friends and still have what you've got now. And even if you didn't, it's not throwing away a good relationship; if it was a good relationship, you wouldn't be posting.

Your child is 16, nearly ready to head off into the world.

End your relationship and find someone new.

Let him go, this is probably destroying him.

This relationship is over. Start making the necessary arrangements to move on, before you act on a crush (which sounds inevitable). You could remain friends if you leave with integrity.

Awful situation and one i can wholly empathise with.

Don't stay and don't lie. Feelings will be hurt, thats inevitable but you cannot do this to yourself. Or to your DH.

You want out, you just need to be brave and do it. Your feelings aside, this is probably hurting your DH very deeply. He is clinging on and he is likely very aware of how you feel and probably feels very down. You're not doing him any favours continuing this charade.

Marriages end, things change. Deal with it respectfully and kindly then get out there and live your life!

What happens when your dc goes to Uni or leaves home & it’s just the two of you?

Could you be peri menopausal?? It can create high sex urges in some women before crashing down.