Should I end it

sarahonss1 · 2022-07-07T10:00:30+00:00

In a relationship for a year he’s 9 years younger than me. I have two children from a previous toxic relationship which I’m still healing from I think. We argue a bit due to my major anxiety when he goes out and I know it’s not fair on him. I also feel that although he has a great bond with the children I think he would like a child of his own one day which I don’t want anymore children. There are times when the children are at the dads and I just don’t know how I would cope with suddenly being alone the thought terrifies me. I do love my boyfriend but are we just at different stages in Our lives and should I just be on my own to heal properly

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 13:49

If you're asking the question then the answer is probably yes

HSKAT · 07/07/2022 13:53

I think you know yourself what to do.

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/07/2022 14:02

Do the right thing and end it .

Aquamarine1029 · 07/07/2022 14:05

You know this relationship isn't right for you, stop fighting it. End it and move on.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 14:16

What do you get anxious about when he goes out, and how does he support you with that?

oobeedoobee · 07/07/2022 14:18

You're at different life stages, and compromising whether to have a child or not is a huge thing, for both of you.

I'd end it before things got deeper and you both got hurt.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2022 14:18

Yes. If he wants to be a dad and that’s not going to happen with you it’s not going to last anyway.

Being with him because you’re scared to be alone isn’t fair on him. Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. You can’t try to control other people because of what your ex did. That’s not fair on anyone.

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 07/07/2022 21:19

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2022 14:18

Yes. If he wants to be a dad and that’s not going to happen with you it’s not going to last anyway.

Being with him because you’re scared to be alone isn’t fair on him. Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship. You can’t try to control other people because of what your ex did. That’s not fair on anyone.

I agree. I think I maybe need to try and heal as previously I got cheated on and suppose I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 07/07/2022 21:22

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 14:16

What do you get anxious about when he goes out, and how does he support you with that?

I thought it’s to do with being cheated on in a previous relationship which has left me finding it hard to trust anyone but he doesn’t give me any reason to not trust him it feel like separation anxiety which is pathetic I know. Do you think therapy might help

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 07/07/2022 21:24

sarahonss1 · 07/07/2022 21:22

I thought it’s to do with being cheated on in a previous relationship which has left me finding it hard to trust anyone but he doesn’t give me any reason to not trust him it feel like separation anxiety which is pathetic I know. Do you think therapy might help

Show quote history

He also has adhd so changes his mind about children from one week to the next which I find difficult, he changes plans at the drop of a hat so i don’t know if I’m coming or going sometimes

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/07/2022 21:34

I think if I was with someone who kept changing his mind about stuff, that would make me anxious and uncertain, even without the other stuff going on. Not sure I could live with that tbh.

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 07/07/2022 21:43

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/07/2022 21:34

I think if I was with someone who kept changing his mind about stuff, that would make me anxious and uncertain, even without the other stuff going on. Not sure I could live with that tbh.

Thankyou for your words as it is making me anxious especially changing his mind all the time about big things. He’s such a lovely guy but it just feels like instability all the time. After a horrific previous relationship I think I need to feel more settled if that makes sense. To be honest I would be quite happy just dating and seeing someone at a weekend I feel like I’ve got myself into a right mess

OP posts:

Amdone123 · 07/07/2022 21:52

You haven't got yourself in a right mess. You've had a previous toxic relationship and are now questioning this one, which to me, is a good thing.
I would end it. I wouldn't entertain the idea of dating just yet, until you've had some time on your own.
You'll know when the time is right.
Best of luck.

Musttryharder2021 · 08/07/2022 03:00

If he wants a child of how own, he will eventually leave you anyway. And no, your children will never make up for the lack of his own. You are probably the "right for now" girlfriend.

Thistlelass · 08/07/2022 04:29

Well really you need to talk all this through with him and then make up your mind.

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 08/07/2022 08:16

Musttryharder2021 · 08/07/2022 03:00

If he wants a child of how own, he will eventually leave you anyway. And no, your children will never make up for the lack of his own. You are probably the "right for now" girlfriend.

Bit harsh

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2022 10:50

sarahonss1 · 08/07/2022 08:16

Bit harsh

Show quote history

It’s true though. You know you want different things. Before you had kids would you have been happy making the sacrifices to be with someone and their kids knowing you’d never have your own?

Children are the biggest deal breaker possible. He wants one and if he stays with you he won’t get one. So it won’t last forever. And you seem unsettled about other aspects anyway.

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 08/07/2022 11:01

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2022 10:50

It’s true though. You know you want different things. Before you had kids would you have been happy making the sacrifices to be with someone and their kids knowing you’d never have your own?

Children are the biggest deal breaker possible. He wants one and if he stays with you he won’t get one. So it won’t last forever. And you seem unsettled about other aspects anyway.

Show quote history

I understand what you’re saying. He knows I don’t want any more kids and he changes his mind all the time. I wonder why he hasn’t finished it himself I feel like we’ve tried to talk but it’s goes round in circles. There are other things in the mix also which are not great so think I do need to end it and prob better now than it goes further. He’s not set on having kids a lot of the times he’s adamant he’s doesn’t want a child of his own but all this up and down and changing minds it’s just not gonna be right.

OP posts:

seaUrchinOne · 08/07/2022 11:02

If he's in the stage of wanting to go out all the time without you then you not at the same maturity level right now. He may or may not want a child at some point, most men dont have the same desire as women. It seems you are just not compatible, I understand not wanting to be lonely but sometimes being single is better than falsing a relationship that isn't right, in the long term it's more damaging.

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 08/07/2022 13:07

seaUrchinOne · 08/07/2022 11:02

If he's in the stage of wanting to go out all the time without you then you not at the same maturity level right now. He may or may not want a child at some point, most men dont have the same desire as women. It seems you are just not compatible, I understand not wanting to be lonely but sometimes being single is better than falsing a relationship that isn't right, in the long term it's more damaging.

Sorry it sounds like he wants to go out all the time he rarely goes out with his friends we go out together the odd time he goes out with friends I have a meltdown which I know is unfair I try to put it aside and encourage him to go out with friends but he seems to like spending most of the time with me and the kids

OP posts:

Original poster

sarahonss1 · 08/07/2022 13:08

But I think after hearing everyone’s advice it’s best to end it

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 08/07/2022 18:37

@sarahonss1 I'm a bit of an anxious person, and my DH is too, a bit, but we mostly reassure each other. I came with my own baggage from an abusive XH, but I was an anxious kid even. Although DH can be annoying (as can I ) I know he loves me to bits, and does not do the changing mind thing. That would really mess with my head. FWIW I found when I left XH, who used to play mind games, my MH improved enormously. I was better on my own than living with that TBH. Tho I met DH a couple of years later, despite being 50+ and being a a chunkster a little on the plump side.