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Original poster

Partners ex and boundaries

21 replies

Overreactionor · 07/07/2022 09:37

Honest opinions, am I being silly.

Partner and I have been together 2 years. He has been split from the ex wife for 4 yrs. They share 3 children. I have 2.
They had a bad split and didnt get along for a long time but are now friendly.
My partner and I do not live together. He works away for weeks at a time and I have recently discovered she has been going to his home when he is away at work (using teenaged sons key to let herself in) while annoyed when I told him he also wasn't overly bothered. We have no idea why she has been there. I'm not even sure he has asked her or brought it up. He doesnt want conflict as he is worried his boys wont want to come to his house, its happened once.
I have also just found out she has gone on holidays up north and is staying at his dad's place for a week or two. Is that normal? I'd take my kids to my ex in-laws to stay but I wouldn't personally stay there for a week or two.
She constantly calls him via FaceTime and if he doesn't answer will call again and again until he picks up. She walks into his house without knocking. She has bitched to him about me being at one of their kids basketball games, within earshot of me and my kids. Ahhh I just don't know where the boundaries are...He says I sound jealous and insecure. Is that how I sound?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 09:54

I just don't know where the boundaries are

There are no externally-set boundaries.

Where do you think your boundaries come from? A set of rules that's been made by someone else, that you have to follow?

dramakween · 07/07/2022 10:16

If he says you sound jealous and insecure he basically wants you to put up and shut up. In other words, he doesn't care about your feelings. It's more important to him to not rock the boat with his ex.

Original poster
Overreactionor · 07/07/2022 10:17

No but isnt there natural boundries that form when you are no longer in an intimate relationship with someone? Well I personally would think most people wouldn't use a key given to a child to go into their ex partners home while he is at work. That's probably a healthy boundary that comes naturally? Or maybe I'm being silly?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 10:24

isnt there natural boundries that form when you are no longer in an intimate relationship with someone

No. This is a crucial lesson for you, OP. Everybody makes their own boundaries. What your boundaries might be with an ex after a break up are different from mine, from your partner's, from the next door neighbours'. You having healthy boundaries in life involves, very simply, choosing people to be close to who have similar boundaries to you. It doesn't mean you're right and other people are wrong: there are no rules, and there is no 'natural law' about how things 'should' happen. You are the person who sets your 'shoulds'. He is the person who sets his 'shoulds'. If they are different to the extent that it causes you emotional distress, and you can't talk it through with him to a compromise that make both of you happy, you're not compatible.

You're guilty of expecting him to be something he's not. Look at what he is. Look at what he's showing you. Decide whether that's the sort of partner you want, and if not, leave. Don't be wondering why he's not following 'the rules' of what he 'should' do. He should do what makes him happy. And you should do what makes you happy. Don't expect those two things to be the same.

baileys6904 · 07/07/2022 10:25

Actually my partners ex let's herself into the house, it makes it easier when one of the kids forget something and need it for school etc. If you dp works away, then it would make sense for them to do the same.
Also she took the kids to stay with their grandparent. That's a healthy, nice thing to do, especially if their father doesn't get chance to do so while he works. To be honest, there's nothing you've mentioned that made I've raised my eyebrows at. But that doesn't mean I'm right and you're wrong.
Merged families are hard work. It's all one big balancing act as ultimately kids are happiest if there's no conflict with their parents and that ultimately means people sucking it up for things that may niggle. I wouldn't speak to my ex again if I had a choice. Does he know this? No. Does he think we are amicable and friendly? Yes. I love my child more than I hate my ex.

muchofamuchnessme · 07/07/2022 10:31

I agree with another poster.

It's bothering you not him. Do YOU have to set your boundaries and decide whether you can accept this situation.

Just because you do something one way, doesn't mean he should. You can talk to him about it if you want, and he can decide if he wants to carry on as it is ir you carry on as it is, but don't accept something and then get annoyed/resentful with the choice you made.

AubadeIsIt · 07/07/2022 10:31

The child has a key so the child can get into the house -- also when he has forgotten something. She has no need to be traipsing through the house or should ask if it's alright (unless she did and your partner's feigning surprise). Complaining about your presence at an event is not on, regardless of potentially differing boundaries from one person to the next. But ultimately her behaviour's not the problem. It's how your partner handles it.

Justcallmebebes · 07/07/2022 12:05

I agree as well. The key to enter his house is his boundary to deal with. Visiting the ex in laws, I see absolutely nothing wrong in this at all. I stayed on extremely good terms with my ex's family decades after we'd split because I am the mother to their grandchildren. It was in no way a threat to my ex's relationships nor to mine

AryaStarkWolf · 07/07/2022 12:11

How did you find out she'd been in his house and how did you know before he did?

Why didn't he ask her why she went in to his house?

Visiting his dad you can do nothing about really.

The face timing all the time would definitely annoy me. He saying you shouldn't watch their sons game is rude and I'd want my DP to have my back there, did he have yours?

Original poster
Overreactionor · 07/07/2022 12:58

I check his house for him every few days, collect mail, clean while he is gone (he does my lawns in return). Neighbours told me when I went there she had been in and out. They also keep.an eye on his house as he can be gone for up.to 6 weeks for work. I knew b4 him as he is at work.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 07/07/2022 13:02

Get out of this before you get pregnant and trapped.

Why would you want to date anyone who accuses you of jealousy insecurity? Anyone who accuses you of then hangs around...probably likes you being insecure. Chances are he likes the idea of two women fighting over him.

Also, a normal supportive partner would have tried to comfort and reassure you. Not attacked you and called you jealous. What a total cunt.

Seriously op, walk, no, run away. Fast and far.

velvetvixen · 07/07/2022 13:14

Stop cleaning his house ffs.

Inthesameboatatmo · 07/07/2022 14:07

You need to leave this relationship . His boundaries are his boundaries, you aren't happy with the set up and that fine. He is happy and that also fine . You are not compatible.

Watchkeys · 07/07/2022 14:09

velvetvixen · 07/07/2022 13:14

Stop cleaning his house ffs.

Why? He does her lawns in return. Do you just jump in whenever a woman cleans, and say 'NO, FFS!'? This seems like a fair set up.

MintJulia · 07/07/2022 14:13

If the teenage sons are living there but their dad is away for six weeks, I imagine she s going there to deal with laundry, find stuff the boys claim to have lost etc, which would be understandable, but I would certainly ask.

Facetime - my ex tried that, expected to interrupt me all hours of the day or night. I blocked his calls. In an emergency he could text me.

But it's your dp's call. You need to agree with him what is acceptable.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/07/2022 14:20

I don't know. My ex has a key to my house and the kids often forget things and I'm not always there. He will always check with me first though.

I don't have a key to his my our teenager does and I have been into his house when he isn't there to get things but again, with his permission.

My dp doesn't get on AT ALL with his ex and has nothing to do with her so did find my relationship with my ex a little unusual at first but he also knew that was how I choose it to me for our dc's sake and that my relationship with him would end before my relationship with the dc's dad as that one is the most important for their happiness.

wellhelloitsme · 07/07/2022 14:24

She has bitched to him about me being at one of their kids basketball games, within earshot of me and my kids.

Other than this, everything sounds like it could just be part of an amicable coparenting dynamic tbh.

But this sounds bitchy, unnecessary and unkind of her especially in earshot of your kids. I would hope he had your back on that one?

Original poster
Overreactionor · 07/07/2022 14:43

His teen boys don't live with him they live with their mum and stay at dad's when he isnt away. They have a key for if they forget something.

Thanks for the opinions. Maybe I have reacted a little over the top 😳 this is my first relationship since my hubby so I'm just so unsure of some things. This blended family thing is hard.

OP posts:
Liorae · 07/07/2022 15:41

His home is not your home. You don't get to police who comes or goes.

AubadeIsIt · 08/07/2022 21:19

Liorae · 07/07/2022 15:41

His home is not your home. You don't get to police who comes or goes.

Can I guess you're an ex-wife with a key?

Liorae · 09/07/2022 01:02

AubadeIsIt · 08/07/2022 21:19

Can I guess you're an ex-wife with a key?

Show quote history

Nope. Married 25 years to one man.

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