Please help me to deal with my feelings of daughter building a relationship with her abusive dad.

[Fightingback17]

I’ve been on this forum for years when I originally left my abusive ex. 3 years have gone past, most of that in family court.

Contact has now gone from nothing for those 3 years to supervised face to face and will move on shortly to non supervised.

My ex is abusive still, I’ve no doubt of that even though he has moved on and made another lady pregnant. He beat his previous girlfriends and emotionally abused me.

Im struggling to accept the relationship between him and our daughter who is 6 developing. She is so excited bless her heart she doesn’t know who her dad really is, he is busy love bombing her at the moment. She comes to me excited at the visits, she wants a mum and dad like everyone else. I want absolutely nothing to do with him but I would never bad mouth him to her. People have said I must let her make up her own mind. It’s kills me though for her to go and be with this man.

Any one have any advice for me that can make me feel a little better about this. I support her all the way but I will never be able to trust him or forget what he did. He is incapable of any relationship that doesn’t fit his needs.

I'm sure that this won't he a popular response but here goes anyway.

This is the man you chose to be the father for your child knowing that he beat up past girlfriends.

He has obviously shown the contact supervisors that he is safe to have unsupervised contact with his daughter.

Tbh, this sort of thing should be factored in when you decide who to have a baby with. At this stage, it's a bit like closing the stable door once the horse has bolted.

Your friends are right, you have to let her make her own mind up. Until then, well you just have to make the most of the time you have while she is with him and be there for her if it falls through

I believe your feelings are understandable but unfortunately for you, your DD has a right to a relationship with her father.

He might be an absolute bastard as a partner, but the courts have concluded he is able to meet his DD's needs and is not a safeguarding risk.

Standing in the way of contact will not help you or her.

Yes he might be love bombing her right now but let's see how long that lasts - either way it won't impact/undermine the bond you have with her as her primary care giver.

My advice is to trust in your parenting and in your DD. Children are pretty good about sussing out a bad 'un in the end.

@GreyCarpet yeah unfortunately choice isn’t really a factor when you are being abused and coerced into having sex against your will. There is really no factoring in when you lost in this kind of relationship. He is a professional at looking great to other people which is another unfortunate issue but there isn’t much I can do about that, the bar is extremely low at court anyway.

Totally get this, and sorry you went through it.

I think your worries about your daughter are well founded.

As a parent it’s your job to hold your feelings alongside those of your daughter, which is hard. It’s all too easy to to think about our kids’ feelings and neglect our own. So what can you do to address the anxiety you feel? Have a think about what you’re anxious about… the worst case scenarios… are you worried she’s going to get emotionally hurt? Because if she does, that’s okay. It’s not at all nice for her, but she has you as a rock to fall back on, and because of her bond with you she’ll recover and she won’t be traumatised by her dad. Trauma happens when we go through things alone, and your daughter isn’t alone, she has you.

I think at age 6 there’s value for a girl in being the apple of her daddy’s eye, so in that respect the lovebombing might not be terrible right now. It’s when it turns or he drops his interest that’s going to be the point where you need to pick up the pieces, but you’re there for her, so she’ll be okay in the end. Children aren’t stupid, she will be clued in to what she feels like when she’s with him and where his inconsistencies are. Keep being there for her and talking to her about her experiences - listen well to her. She has an innate need to love her dad - we’re biologically wired to seek our parents’ love and approval because we know doing that affords us safety and protection, so she’s doing exactly what she’s wired to do. You’re not going to judge her or say ‘I told you so’, and that will strengthen the bond between you.

I’m sure you’re wise enough from your experiences to know where the line is and what to do if he gets too much for her. Trust your intuition and get professional help as soon as you need to to protect her. She’s precious.

Make it abundantly clear to your dd that she is absolutely never to keep secrets from you. Even if another grown up tells her to. And even if that grown up is her df...
She needs to be absolutely transparent with you about the visits. Without you quizzing her whatsoever...
Keep a diary is my advice.. Tell the school this will be happening.. They can watch out for any changes in her behaviour pre /post visits.

Thanks @Heroicallyl0st I’m worried because she is going to be left unsupervised with a man that is in all probability mentally unstable. He has this incredibly deep need ( I’m pretty sure because he came from abuse himself via his dad) to be adored. I hate the fact that she is just something to him that feeds his need. He is like a vampire feeding off her adoration and it makes me feel sick inside. Her needs are not a factor to him. Im worried what happens when she talks back or doesn’t adore him. I hate the fact that everything he does is manipulative, I hate that she is being manipulated and there is nothing I can do anymore.

Yes one day she might see through it all but I can’t seem to get past the fact that she goes to see him and she loves him but that love is being used because he is unwell.

Look after yourself this must be very hard on you . And some good advice in later posts here about how you handle this. I don’t think so much this is she must work this out for herself and make her own mind Up. She is only 6 and he is abusive (and by the sounds of it good at hiding it). More that given he is her father some relationship is inevitable and you are helping her navigate it and work out the truth.yYou can be supportive of it being ok for her to have a relationship with him (closely monitored) but also that he was a bad partner and you were right and strong to leave. This isn’t a normal relationship break up.

Ps. Would also strongly recommend a lot of reading of books to her. Stories and fiction (age appropriate) can be a good way of helping to talk about complex feelings. There are lots of books out there now which don’t start with a 2 parent family. When she is older Jacqueline Wilson etc all good on this type of issue.

@Fightingback17 i know the feeling of a professional and coming across differently at home. It’s not nice OP. Hope you’re ok and take care of you, it’s a frustrating thing to deal with (understatement)!

I know the normal advice would be "your DD is entitled to a relationship with her dad, his relationship with you is completely separate etc etc"

But my actual feelings? Don't stay quiet. Don't go along with the love bombing.

Let her see you're hesitant about him. Let her know that you and her are a team and you will always believe and support her. Let her know that she deserves to always be happy and to tell you if she's ever not happy with daddy.

He's a monster and I personally don't think people can switch this on and off when it comes to their loved ones around them. Even if not physical, she will experience some of this in his presence. She will witness how he treats his girlfriend and what he will likely say about you behind closed doors.

Personally I'd want to move far away from him although I appreciate this may not be possible.

Once an abuser, I wouldn't want them around anyone vulnerable, especially a child.

I feel for you OP. You're right, the bar is so low.

Given you can't refuse the relationship, the best thing to do is to teach her to have unshakeable self-confidence, strong morals, and give her the emotional tools to recognise when she's being blamed, diminished, invalidated, or otherwise treated poorly, and know that's not right.

The reality is that your daughter will encounter a number of toxic people in her life, not just her own father. She needs to know how to see and understand unhealthy behaviours, and to know and feel her own worth well enough to be able to walk away from people who don't treat her right, even her own father if it comes to that.

You can't stop her father being like he is or having a relationship with her, but you can give her the very great gift of knowing she always has a safe, loving, supportive, non-judgemental home with her mum who will always have her back if she sees that her dad doesn't.

If he’s abusive and beat up his ex girlfriend why is he allowed unsupervised contact?

@Musti because he has been on the courses the court required and ticked the boxes and now he is safe. He comes across to others extremely well. Unfortunately I’ve learnt over the years there is nothing I can do but let it play out now, it’s really horrible. Whatever I bring up they now say that’s in the past we are now looking forward.

He has had a few face to face contacts with daughter that have been supervised and the supervisor has come to me and said they have gone so well. He has brought her massive toys on those occasions and she is loving the toys and having a great time. She will do for a while but the toys are not for her benefit they are for him, he is trying to buy her love. He did the same for me when we were together. But it all changes when you do something against what he wants.