What would you do?

[Jewel7]

I feel like I am in limbo. The last couple of years there have been lots of issues in the relationship. Been married 13 years. School age children.
But I realised there were control, jealousy issues etc that I fully realised from having therapy myself.
Turned out he had checked my phone throughout the relationship, he would question me if I had been out, would try and talk me out of social events, he would question me over messages from male work related, any men in contact with me there would be issues.
But he kept it all quite discreet. If I brought up what I thought he was doing he would turn it back on me. Or dismiss as he was tired etc or I was imagining it etc. To the point where I wondered if it was me with the issue.
He can be erratic with decisions, money etc and it can make life stressful.
I found out he was messaging someone else after a stressful time in his life and I would say borderline emotional affair. He lied repeatedly saying she was a old friend but after a year admitting they were supporting each other etc. He showed no care at the time towards my feelings.
When I asked to see messages he deleted them all.
But when an ex messaged me with a random apology he went crazy. Questioning me and behaving like I was going to leave.
He has previously been in a relationship where his ex had an affair. I know his issues stem from that.
But there has been lies throughout our relationship including finding out he was doing cocaine regularly at the beginning of the relationship without telling me.
We have recently had therapy. I can see he is trying, he seems sorry. But I have lost trust and belief. He looks like the same person but he isn’t. I have lost attraction to him as he isn’t who I thought. Some days I think we can get through it. Other days I’m thinking no way. Out of respect for myself I don’t know if I should forgive. But we have children and I want to try. Thoughts please?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Ask yourself why you want to try, is it only because of the children. How is he trying?. The short answer is that he is not trying, does not want to try and is paying lip service. He really does think you have mug written on you on your forehead. Stop also with making excuses for him re his conduct re his emotional affair; they do not wash. He does this because he can.

If there is NO trust there is NO relationship.

Do you not think you (and in turn your kids who have also been witness to all this) been through more than enough abuse at his hands already?. Do not stay with such a man because of the children; all that will do is show them that shit treatment and multiple red flag behaviour should be acceptable to them as well along with further teaching them that a happy and mutually respectful relationship is not their birthright. Whose sake are you wanting to stay for really?.

His behaviour is straight out of the Abusers 101 handbook. Your relationship has never been an either happy or respectful one; there are his lies, his drug use, his emotional affairs, his controlling behaviour (and such is always abusive), his wanting to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making. And is he still in therapy?. What about you; do not ever embark on joint therapy with him, this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices for you and they going forward; rebuilding your lives without him in it day to day would be a good starting point.

Why do you want to stay with a jealous, manipulative man? What example do you think that will set for your children? Is it an example that you want to give them? Why do you think you should accept a liar as your partner? You mention self respect; anybody with self respect would leave him. A one off lie or episode of jealousy might be forgivable, but this is a repeated pattern of behaviour. It's who he is.

I would say growing up my dad was controlling towards me. I don’t handle confrontation well. I think personally my dad is autistic. My mum was the peacemaker. You marry for life type. But in control of most situations, quite opinionated.
My children haven’t witnessed much tbh. I am careful to have these conversations when they are in bed etc.
I feel like he was a descent person. Everyone tells me how nice he is. The jealous side isn’t there all the time. Every so often it rears it’s head. He says he will go, but wants to stay. But also wants me to decide as he knows I’m not happy. He says we have been going round in circles for long enough. I need to make a decision.

Your children will know anyway, OP. Just get them, and yourself, out. Then have a look at why this decision was so hard/your history/your patterns etc. Put the current fire out before dealing with the history.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you went on basically to marry someone just like your own father. Controlling behaviour like dad showed you back then is abusive behaviour; nothing whatsoever to do with ASD. Your own understanding of ASD is likely to poor and worst still based on misinformation. Both your mother and father between them have failed you as their daughter. BTW are your parents still together?.

Your kids have seen more than enough and its damaging to them. They are harmed in not too dissimilar ways as to how you've been harmed too.

Re them being upstairs in bed I would remind you that sound travels and your children can and will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken.
They see you walking on eggshells and otherwise watching your words carefully in an attempt not to set him off.

Your H is abusive and has ramped up the power and control against you throughout the life of your marriage. You're in the continuous cycle of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse with him. Outsiders like your family and friends are not married to him and abusers are often quite plausible to those in the outside world. The "nice family man" image is an act that such men are desperate to maintain and you and he need to be apart now. You do realise that this man too hates women, ALL of them.

Where is your own self respect here; he's put that in the gutter hasn't he?. You along with his children have basically been dragged down with him.

Of course he wants to stay; he has a nice set up with you doing everything within the home. If you, his personal slave, were to leave he would have to start doing chores himself and or find some other woman to look after him.