End of sibling relationship?

[Dimsim]

Hi all,

I'm feeling like I'm at my wit's end and really need some advice about this situation.

My sister and I have never been besties, but we've always gotten on well and growing up, her 3 DDs felt more like my little sisters than neices. I've always been the one making the effort with these relationships and made sure I was apart of the girls lives.

However, a few years ago, my sister and I got into an argument over mother's day celebrations of all things. I thought things were smoothed over after sometime apart and then a lengthy chat. But I have since come to realise just how much they have ALL been giving me the cold shoulder and now I'm pissed for continuing to try and keep the peace.

For example, in 2020 I became a first time mum. None of them acknowledged me or my DS while we were in hospital, or checked up on us once we got home. But, I still shared photos and updates in the family chat.

I can literally count on one hand the amount of times they have visited our home over a 5 year period.
This is despite living in the same town for a few years, then moving 15 minutes away from our mum, who they frequently visit on weekends. I have since stopped visiting their home, or messaging them first.

They didn't wish my DS a happy birthday this year, they never checked up on us when we got covid.
If we do catch up, it's organised by our mum and my sister never say's hello or goodbye, my neices sometimes do. I used to start conversations with them, but I have recently started wanting to give up on that to. My neice never invited us to her birthday dinner, I stupidly still sent her an e-gift card, which she never thanked us for this past June.

There is alot of other examples, but i just want to take a break from them and not catch up. Christmas is coming up and I'm seriously considering going on a holiday for it.

I know I can just talk to them, but I don't feel like I should have to be the one to start the conversation.

WWYD?

I'm sorry but it sounds like she doesn't want a relationship with you but you have the right to know why that is. Have you spoken to your mum about it? This is obviously causing you upset so, if I were you, I'd ask my sister directly what was going on. It will never be resolved otherwise. You may have done something unknowingly that offended her or she may just feel you are too different from each other. For your own peace of mind, ask her directly. Good luck. I hope you resolve this in someway

I've spoken to mum about it and she says that she doesn't understand what my sister is doing. She is very sad about the situation, and just wants to keep the peace, but I don't think I can be bothered anymore.
Plus, I asked her if my sister ever asks about me, or has she expressed that she wants to fix our relationship at least to mum, apparently she hasn't. And now it looks like my nieces are following in their mothers footsteps.
The only reason I don't want to send a message, is because it's me yet again making the first move. I guess I have to decide if I am really ok with the possibility of never knowing what's going on.... I think I will just lay low for now, thanks for getting back to me xx

Fuck 'em.

I think if you stopped getting in touch, they'd not be bothered. So why do it?

You don't need to go on holiday for Christmas, just don't make plans with them. Presumably your sister isn't going to ask you to spend any time with her and your nieces over the period, so you don't need to go anywhere to avoid it.

If your mum asks you round, go if you want to, but don't worry about who will be there. Go, and if your sisters there, have a cordial chat if you want to, but stop putting all the effort in.

Literally just stop! Nothing major will happen, you'll just find a new way to be.

It sounds like your hurt. Which is shitty. But the only thing you're in control of is your reaction and feelings. So stop worrying about it, let them get on with being a crappy sister.

It might not be about one single blow up. We have fallen out with my Bro. There was a huge family fallout and the details are not relevant but what is relevant here is that when I looked back on it the relationship had always been problematic. He was domineering and his needs were always the only ones that mattered and me and my family did the running around with what suited them. In short it was never balanced, there were always problems, one thing didn’t affect it, it was cumulative but I was turning a blind eye. Might that be a feature for your relationship with your sister?

It is extremely painful accepting people for who they are if that is really not a great person, or at the least not a great person for you - maybe she is a great daughter, wife and mother but honestly that doesn’t matter she is not a good sister to you and unless she is honestly trying to fix that with you she is not a good sister for you. It is hard, you have my sympathy.

You're right, I am very hurt. I have made every effort to be in my nieces lives, simply because I have wanted to do so.

I have come to realise, that my sister does not feel the same way about my DS, or me for that matter.
My sister doesn't ever make Christmas plans with us, however I used to do activities with the girls and spoil them with gifts. Now I don't really want to do that anymore.

I think your right, I just need to stop going on like this. It's very obvious it's only affecting me and not them.

So yes, fuck em :)
Xx

@Dimsim there is a third way maybe if it is something you felt open to. You could accept the relationship as what is on offer from her and match that instead of trying to seek out the connection you were hoping for initially. I know it is hard making that adjustment in your expectations but really nothing has changed except your understanding of who your sister is and the type of relationship it is possible for you to have with her.

In my situation there was serious abuse in the family that led to the family breakdown but estrangement in family is extremely painful and almost always is only a good option as the last option.

I've been experiencing the same revelations as you. There are very obvious problems and the family has been turning a blind eye and trying to keep the peace.
The tipping point for me has been no help/contact/advice given to me as a new mum and my sister having alot of experience being a mother of 3. Plus, not wishing my DS a happy birthday or checking up on us when we had covid.
The icing on the cake, is being ignored when/if we are all together.
My sister's DP birthday is coming up this month, plus my eldest niece's birthday in August.
With our mum out of the country, I highly doubt I will be given an invite to either celebration.
I don't think I can stomach another Christmas Day with them all like this, I may just make other arrangements with my mum.
Thankyou for your kind words, have a lovely day/night xx

I've a sister who was all her life, indifferent to me. I had decades of mum pushing me to make the effort with her, only to get snubbed or disappointed. So I just...quietly withdrew. The next time DM told me I had to take days off because my sister was coming to visit I just said I can't. And let DS fit in around my schedule if she wanted (she didn't) so I just shrugged and got on with it, just engaged less and less.

Now DS had a tough run of various things in her life, and is upset that we aren't close, because now she needs me and the other people in the family she rejected and she is jealous of the close supportive friendship we have as adults - well... I did try. We all did. For decades.

And I feel for her situation. But kind of in the way I would if I heard it happen to a neighbour. I don't think I can be a confidante of hers because for so very long, she was never there for me during my own darkest days. I honestly think it will dwindle down to a Christmas text once DM passes to be honest. But I don't feel bad or guilty because I didn't do anything except stop trying with someone who's just not bothered with me.

So you don't need to escape at Christmas, just stay home if you like. Put you first. And if she's willing to come visit you, at a time that suits you, lovely. If not, then just shrug it off and say 'ok, next time then hopefully' and just leave it at that.

It's sad but unfortunately we can't choose our family, ultimately though relationships should be a two way street so If I were you I would take all that time and effort and give it someone who will appreciate and reciprocate. You sound like a lovely person OP

Very often imo in these situations there were issues with how you were parented.

It hasn’t escaped me that you said “apparently” your sister has said nothing to your mum. I’ll bet my bottom dollar your mum, nice as she may be in many ways, has done precisely nothing to help bring you two back together.

I've experienced similar. I just stopped trying to be a friend to a sister who never gave me a second's thought. When she contacted me 9 years later & tried to make out we were close (all for show at a family event) I just sent a text saying no "I'm not interested in being your friend & I've never had a sister". It felt bloody brilliant 😆

Thankyou for sharing some of your stories, I'm sorry you have had to go through similar situations with siblings 💜

This relationship has not been a two way street for a very long time and I'm tired of turning a blind eye to it. The fact it is rubbing of my neices makes me very sad, but I really do need to put myself first for a change. Thankyou for helping me see that I deserve better.

It's important to my mum to have us altogether (naturally) but at this point, I can't fake it anymore. And no, she hasn't done anything to help bring us back together...

But i'm feeling a sense of relief that it's ok to let go of this relationship, that really hasn't been there for a long time. I'm going to lay low for awhile, and hey, maybe wait in the wings a little bit to get my mike drop moment like SisterRuth 😂💙💪 xxx

Was the blow up a few years ago about?

You need to sit down with your sister and talk to her, ask her the questions you want answers to, tell her why your upset with her, no one can answer your questions better than her. You never know, a good chat maybe all it takes for it to get sorted.
Good luck OP

Op dont chase her. My sister well I tolerate her. She tries boss everyone. We had a coffee at xmas. I kept it polite. Some families just not close.. my friend says she nothing common with sister. !

My sister only wants to know me when she has a problem. She is so self absorbed its untrue.
Now my mum has passed away I want nothing to do with her.

My sister is the same. I just ignore her back, we are even, no hard feelings. I don’t have a clue what happened but after so many years, even if she told me, I don’t think it would undo the “distance” we have these days, we are pretty much strangers, we were never close anyway so just play happy families when we bump with each other in family events for the sake of everyone else but other than that we are just “acquaintances” and that is fine.

Unfortunately not everybody gets the sisterly sister but that’s life.

Your nieces know you have a baby are now not interested in them.
How many times have you invited them round since the baby?
Your sister
How many times have phone and ask advice ? Unless you asked ,people are told nowadays not to just give out advice .

When you had covid did you tell your sister, because if you did not how is she supposed to know you had it .

When they had covid did you phone them ?

Hi 'Myyearmytime'
Its always been a one sided relationship with my sister and neices. I have given everything to try and have a relationship with them and they have given me nothing in return time and time again. I'm now just trying to accept this and find my new normal.

Thankyou for sharing your stories, I'm sorry to hear so many similar experiences with siblings. xxx

Let them go….they are not worth the effort….you are wasting your time….they are not interested in you…don’t give them any more head space

So you never told your sister you had covid and you now moaning she did not phone to see how you are ...

You nieces are children why would contact you ?

You feel a mother of 3 children who may or may work should be phoning you ?

You have just had baby have now have no time for nieces just speak the truth .

You are busy so is sister no big song and dance just life .
Accept for what it is .
Stop feeling hard done by and get on with your life .

I agree with who said to stop
just totally stop doing anything whatsoever
I’d also remove all reminders
so without being dramatic unfollow , quietly leave groups
Delete birthdays
and yes
make xmas plans x

the reason I say this is it’s all very hurtful for you and for your son (in his behalf )
out of sight out of mind does start to work after a while , really it does

but this much neglect for so many years is hard for you
id also not discuss with mum either
change topic and don’t ask questions

you may one day find out , you may not

bit priority is to think less about them and remove the unnecessary sadness by all means possible
you have your mum and son
that’s enough x

"Thisisworsethananticipated"
Thankyou for your advice and kind words 😘 x

Good advice.

Drop the rope quietly and simply move on.