Feel like husband is unhappy

[alicedj22]

Dh and I have been together 6 years, married 2 and have had a baby this year. He is 51 and I'm 37 so a bit of an age gap and initially he wasn't sure that he wanted kids due to his age. We discussed it and decided to see what happened and I fell pregnant just 2 months after coming off the pill. I have a dc from previous marriage who is 11.

Baby is colicky and cries. A lot. Obviously our lives have changed although we weren't exactly party goers before we had her. But I get this nagging feeling that dh is really disillusioned with his life right now and wasn't fully prepared for what life with a newborn is like. Are any of us until it happens?

He isn't being particularly supportive though. He isn't hands on with the baby - granted he is out at work all day but when he gets home he doesn't seem to want to spend time with her. He has to be asked to do things. He drinks a lot. And overall just seems withdrawn and a bit moody. I have asked him if he's ok and he admits he is 'uncomfortable' but only because it's all new to him and it's overwhelming. So now I'm sat worrying if he feels like his life is ruined and regrets having dd.

Before we got together he loved his fancy holidays, nice cars and meals out. Admittedly we didn't always get to do that because I had older dc and covid has been going on for a lot of our relationship! But I still can't help but think he misses his old, child free life.

He is a good man and I love him dearly but I feel vulnerable like I could end up on my own here with two kids. Maybe that's dramatic. Maybe im overthinking a worst case scenario but it's not a nice feeling to think he's unhappy with his lot. What can I do? Is it normal for men to be like this in the early days? Maybe as dd gets older and easier to deal with he will find more enjoyment in parenting. Even so it feels pretty cruel that he's making me feel so shit when I'm already stretching myself trying to look after everyone...

Hmmm. Your baby is very young and a lot of women on here have regularly said they felt miserable, often deeply miserable, for the first year. It wasn’t my experience but it’s a common one.

It doesn’t excuse him from pitching in with the parenting but it sounds like he wasn’t keen to start with and it’s a massive change at that age having spent half a century not wanting kids so maybe he thinks it was your idea and so primarily your job. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to. I’d feel very sad he doesn’t want to get to know her but I suppose she won’t miss what she’s never had. And short of going out and just leaving them together you’re unlikely to get him to step up.

Is the drinking new? You can’t stop him from doing that either and it might be a sign he’s depressed.

How’s he making you feel shit?

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you for replying. He's always liked a drink, but it's now at the point where it's most nights and he's grumpy if he doesn't.

In hindsight he probably wasn't keen. But why do it then? We discussed it, I came off the pill. He knows how babies are made. Perhaps he was trying to make me happy and now the reality of what newborns are like has hit he's regretting his choice.

That's what's making me feel shit really. The thought that he's regretting it and that he's unhappy within our life. What if he leaves me? Has an affair? Because I/we have made him miserable. I've no reason to think these things but right now I'm reliant on him financially and emotionally. I just feel vulnerable and I didn't want it to be like this, I thought we'd be a team.

I have a few things planned where I will be leaving him with her so he'll have no choice but to care for her. Maybe throwing him in at the deep end is what he needs. But I do feel hurt that he's making me feel like this. And sad for my baby too :-(

Massive red flags, I’m afraid. It perfectly common to have an incredibly difficult time during baby’s first year, but that doesn’t mean you act like an unsupportive arsehole and an essentially absent father to your child.

@Didimum agree. I have tried to be patient but I'm getting fed up myself now, I shouldn't need to pander to him.

If he went 50 years without responsibilities it’s understandable that he may find the adjustment difficult. That’s not to say he has a right to drink every night and neglect you all though.
I think you need to have a real heart to heart with him. I’m sure as she grows older and develops a personality and starts talking to him etc that his bond will grow and naturally his sense of duty to her too.
You need to let him know all your fears and also work on being a strong independent mum and women so that if he never improves, at least you still have ‘you’ . Don’t allow the situation to dictate your own individual sense of happiness.
At the end of the day he chose to be with a women who had a child and you chose to be with a man who has led a bachelor lifestyle.
we can’t chose who we fall for but as adults learning to understand each other is what keeps a relationship going.

He is 50 so probably finding it difficult to have his life turned upside down. Let's be honest having a baby can be brutal. However he doesn't have the luxury of checking out. He was keen enough to shag you but doesn't want the consequences. Sorry I think you have some difficult decisions ahead. The drinking is him avoiding the issue and trying to numb the feeling of frustration. Time he pulled up his big boy pants and started acting like a dad.

In hindsight he probably wasn't keen. But why do it then? We discussed it, I came off the pill. He knows how babies are made. Perhaps he was trying to make me happy and now the reality of what newborns are like has hit he's regretting his choice.

This is probably it, he was too weak to say he didn’t want a child and probably expected you to do the heavy lifting. It’s time to call out his behaviour and tell him that he is jointly responsible for raising your child.

Sadly, this is what happens when the TTC blinkers go on and a weak ‘path of least resistance’ man just goes along with things.

Of course he regrets things and was unfortunately trying to keep you happy. People need to realise that telling people.(hard) truths is often the right thing to do.

Newborn kids can be frustrating - they only become fun around 4 years old IMO so leaving him with her may not have the desired effect.

He is much older than you and probably isn't in the right position or frame of mind to have a baby I feel.