Sad, grieving someone still alive, what never was

[Gotchanumbagloria]

My mother basically.
I can't divulge too much but I think I need to go all but NC.
I don't have anyone I can really talk to about it and can't afford counselling or be bothered to wait a year for NHS counselling.
My mother has spolied key events recently which have made me realise how narcissistic? she really is. What's even worse is she's roped in my Father and I've practically lost him now to. They practically gas lit me a few days ago making me question my sanity/ if I was blacking out/ delusional.
There's nothing sinister just years and years of emotion abuse.
It's got worse over the past couple of years due to physical distance, ageing etc. And its got to the point where I think for my mental health I need to cut ties apart from if they're seriously ill or something like that.
They were my rocks/ safety net but not anymore. It makes me so sad.
Not quite sure what I want from this post, apart from to release it out to the universe.

So sorry OP. I am in a similar situation, ddad passed away years ago and I recently realised my DM is probably a narcissist.

So many important moments in my life were hijacked by her.
So many days that ought to have been calm or happy were tainted by her need to create drama and make everything about her.

So many times I worked incredibly hard to achieve something and she would simply tear it apart.

I think the hardest part of it is not all the awful things that have happened, but that most of my life I made excuses and allowed it all to happen because she was my mum and I thought she loved me “underneath it all”, and I now realise she never cared for me at all except as an end to her needs.

It really is like grieving the loss of someone you thought existed but doesn’t really.

I am left realising how much she has diminished and devalued me, that I am incapable of seeing the value in myself either. I am currently talking to a counsellor to work through some of my self loathing and try to come out the other side- I would recommend talking to someone in real life if you can?

@ProudThrilledHappy thank you for your reply. Sorry to hear about your experience to.

I have had counselling in the past. I remember lots of tools I can use to help myself like talking to my inner child etc. But I do feel ever so down. It's like she may aswell have died?!?!

I don't wish her dead BTW, but sometimes I think she may aswell be, is that an awful thing?

I think I'm in a very dark place when I shouldn't be and it's all because of them. I should be happy, excited for the future but I feel like my hearts been ripped out.

I totally understand, and sometimes when I feel that I am coming out from the darkness I remember something else that happened in the past and I am overwhelmed with sadness again.

I found some books by Karyl McBride which were really helpful in processing my feelings and understanding about my mother’s behaviour, I would highly recommend her writing as a way to help move forward, however I would also add that it is okay for you to feel down. It is okay for you to spend some time experiencing these feelings, focussing on them, allowing yourself to explore the impact on you.

this is something it can be hard to struggle with as you have probably spent much of your life being told to disregard your own needs and feelings. It is okay for you to be sad, and process that sadness. You are entitled to think about yourself.