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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a good sign

17 replies

TLV · 16/01/2008 20:24

Dh left 3mth ago, we are seeing relate counsellor, he said he wanted to see more of dd so the counsellor suggested he stay over to which he has agreed to do, now am i reading too much into this bearing in mind he didn't want to be in the same house as me. Trying not to build my hopes up

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Layla17 · 16/01/2008 20:36

Don't build your hopes up - see how it pans out, but if he really had no feelings for you any more and couldn't stand the sight of you he would not come and stay at the house - no way. Even to see more of DD.
What else did he have to say at Relate?

Original poster
TLV · 16/01/2008 20:48

well the counsellor immediately picked up on the anger he was feeling towards me and that alot of it stemmed from previous marriage and that i was taking the brunt of it, he admitted to having a bad time of it in his first marriage and got to the point where he walked, she also mentioned that she thought he still had feelings for me otherwise why sleep with someone who you couldn't stand. He kept going on about the arguments we had been having and how he felt like i was controlling him but the counsellor pointed out that he never gave me a proper chance to talk about things and let things fester

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Layla17 · 16/01/2008 20:55

That sounds familiar. I am going to Relate with my OH. He has another woman (although he denied it for months). Nothing has happened between them but they were friends and have fallen for each other. He knows they do not have a future but he cannot get her out of his head and that is getting between us.
Relate has been useful for us as it made us both realise that we do not communicate well - he would talk to other people (ie her) rather than me and our issues then they got worse and worse so far as he was concerned. I can see how this happened.
What upset me is that he started saying that I was controlling and he wanted to break free because he feels as though he has lost confidence. I think he feels pushed out by the children and the fact that I have a successful career.
Do you think your oh has issues with you giving attention to DD instead of him.
I found Relate really hard to start with but it has certainly helped. Are you going again? Is there another woman in your situation?

Original poster
TLV · 16/01/2008 21:02

well initially i thought there was another woman but I know he confided in someone but she is married and live hundreds of miles away, I think the problem stemmed from me changing when I had dd as I was a stickler for routine and very regimented about everything, and the counsellor immediately saw that we couldn't communicate but she did warn dh not to rush the divorce as lots of couples who do this often ended up regretting it a year down the line, I know its not going to be pleasant but he has agreed to return with me (sessions were originally for me)

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Layla17 · 16/01/2008 21:11

That is positive.
my oh didn't want to go to Relate and then after a few sessions he was the one persuading me to go. He started off saying he was leaving and then it chnaged to me telling him to leave and him saying no.
By Xmas we were planning our future and were both happy. I then made the mistake of looking at his phone and finding some old texts from her which he had kept (the idiot!!) and he had to admit that he had feelings for her. so even though we were happy he now feels ashamed and thinks he has hurt me too much to make amends so he is talking about leaving again - so back to square 1.
Perhaps your oh has realised that the grass is not greener and now will slowly start to fix things with you. Letting him go and giving him space may have helped. Don't get your hopes up - take each day as it comes but stay positive about yourself and dd.

Original poster
TLV · 16/01/2008 21:18

he did say that whatever the outcome (not sure if I should be worried by him saying that but bearing in mind he's been adamant he's not coming back) that we need to communicated for dd's sake, well i'm keeping out of contact with him for the moment till he rings me, i have said i will cook for us. I just want dd to be happy, it will be a weekly occurance him staying over too, the sofa we have is not the best for spending the night on so will wait and see what happens there

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Layla17 · 16/01/2008 21:35

See what happens. Keep strong and don't throw yourself at him.
My bet is that he will start asking for 2 nights a week and it will go on from there.
Just make sure you don't let him mess you around - keep in control and good luck.
Why can't he see DD where he is living?

Original poster
TLV · 16/01/2008 21:41

I won't be making any moves on him thats for sure, he can do the running! will see how it goes. There is no reason why dd can't go stay with him at his mums so i'm really not sure why he agreed to come stay with us, maybe he is just dipping his feet in and testing the water to see how we get on, really don't know tbh but part of me is really looking forward to the weekend now (got a night out with the girls)

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Layla17 · 16/01/2008 21:46

Good for you. I wish I could start to move on with life. I don't want to tell most of my friends in case we sort it out - I suppose I am embarrassed and don't want them to treat him/us differently. for that reason I am avoiding my friends - I know they would stand by me but I just can't bring myself to tell people that my oh may be leaving me when our children are still babies.
Your oh may be being v sensible and as you say dipping his feet it. You can then decide whether you want him back!

Layla17 · 16/01/2008 21:47

Can i ask you for some advice on how you have coped since he left - emotionally and with dd?

Original poster
TLV · 16/01/2008 21:51

I've hit lucky in that my mother feels sorry for me so she is sitting for me, I've been very open about dh leaving me as he was so adamant he wasn't coming back so I didn't see the point of denying anything when people could quite clearly see I was upset about something, Layla try talking to your friends you may find it helps enourmously and surprisingly alot of people who I thought would judge havent

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HappyWoman · 17/01/2008 10:41

Hope you dont mind me butting in. I do feel it is important to tell people what is going on - i am sure they will not be as judgemental as you feel they will be. A good friend will completely understand and i am sure you will be surprised by their reactions.

When my h left i was so lucky to have a couple of fantastic friends for support. Please please dont be afraid or ashamed - everyone has problems and if it upsets your h or oh then that is their problem.

We all need support in this and i have been open with all my friends and i hope one day if they have problems they will be able to come to me. There is so very little help for couples and it is a sad refelection on our society that we are all going to counsellors to sort out our problems.

Yes h does find it hard sometimes but he completly understands and that is what i needed at the time and so accepts that.

Good luck to you both i know you both want to make a real go at your relationships.

Layla17 · 17/01/2008 15:16

My closest 3 friends are all pregnant at the moment and I do not want to burden them when they are so happy. to be honest (and I feel terrible saying this) I feel very jealous of them because i want to go back to that stage and be happy and positive about the future and I feel angry with myself for not doing more to keep my oh happy and for letting things fall apart when my children are so young.

HappyWoman · 17/01/2008 16:15

layla you have not let this happen - no-one has a perfect relationship whatever they portray to the world. None of what you are feeling is your fault - you have fought so hard to keep your family together and you must be so very proud of that fact. Unlike your oh who has confided in someone else to try and solve your problems. Remember he is the one who cant make up his mind.

HappyWoman · 17/01/2008 16:15

layla you have not let this happen - no-one has a perfect relationship whatever they portray to the world. None of what you are feeling is your fault - you have fought so hard to keep your family together and you must be so very proud of that fact. Unlike your oh who has confided in someone else to try and solve your problems. Remember he is the one who cant make up his mind.

HappyWoman · 17/01/2008 16:15

layla you have not let this happen - no-one has a perfect relationship whatever they portray to the world. None of what you are feeling is your fault - you have fought so hard to keep your family together and you must be so very proud of that fact. Unlike your oh who has confided in someone else to try and solve your problems. Remember he is the one who cant make up his mind.

Original poster
TLV · 17/01/2008 20:12

Hi Layla
Only now have my emotions started to settle down and i'm really starting to feel well settled still have the bad tho, the thing that swung it was looking at the phone bill seeing how much it was and how many times i had actually called him (tho to be fair if he hadn't kept hanging up then it wouldn't be so high!) i'm not pinning any hopes on the weekend and if i'm honest i'm now telling myself he is not coming back but i really am starting to feel like the old me. As with coping with dd well in some respects i feel like a complete crap mother as in the first few months I shouted at her on some occasions and stuck her in front of the tv whilst i sobbed my heart out on the telephone to family, she is my little angel and she needs my love and attention more than anything which she is getting 100% +

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