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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help please - ex threatening to take baby

27 replies

Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:10

My ex is living with us while he finds a flat.
He's turned really nasty and is threatening to try to take the baby if I don't fall in line.

His problem seems to be that I'm talking to people on dating sites.
He's threatened to use my history of poor mental health and being in porn (,years ago,) against me.
For context I have been under the perinatal mh team, I have therapy and meds.

Please help, I feel so scared and vulnerable.
I'm so, so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:13

Oh, he is also dating, he in fact started before I had thought of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:14

He says I'm 'rubbing it in his face' by being on the app and neglecting the baby. This is nonsense.

OP posts:
woohoo54 · 06/07/2022 19:15

This is emotional and likely financial abuse (staying with you rent free) can you call womens aid for advice on how to evict him and next steps. Please ensure he's out though

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/07/2022 19:15

Are you married? If not, is he on the tenancy/mortgage?
time to get him out. Take advice from a DV service.

Mangotea · 06/07/2022 19:17

So he can date abs you can't? Hmmm. He's living in your home, eating your food, using your water to bathe. I'd say it's him who needs to get in line! You need to evict him asap.

Lunificent · 06/07/2022 19:20

This is domestic abuse. Definitely take advice, even the police if you don’t feel safe. Is it your property alone?

Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:20

I'm so scared of him now, he wants to control me so badly. I'm scared hell escalate

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 06/07/2022 19:22

Speak to women's aid. If you're the sole tenant/owner ask the police to remove him

JanglyBeads · 06/07/2022 19:25

Women’s Aid helpline at the bottom of this page. They’ll help you work out the safest thing to do for you and your baby.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/07/2022 19:26

When you say baby how old?

Tbh I would focus on getting him out first.

Is he on tennancy? Are you married?

JanglyBeads · 06/07/2022 19:29

You could also ring the police on 101.

JanglyBeads · 06/07/2022 19:30

Do the perinatal MH team know about his threats OP? Or has their involvement stopped now?

OurChristmasMiracle · 06/07/2022 19:36

I would contact the police and get him removed. He is abusing you.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 06/07/2022 19:40

You’re getting good advice here, OP. You and DC need this abusive man out of your lives as fast as possible. Good luck xx

Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:40

Perinatal team know

OP posts:
Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 19:49

It is my house. Baby is 7 months.

OP posts:
Wasywasydoodah · 06/07/2022 19:58

great that it’s your house. Call 101 police. Tell them that you’re experiencing domestic abuse and need help to get your ex out of the house. Womens aid can also advise you. Don’t let your ex find out until police come.

If you can, keep a log or record of everything he says. you can use this app if helpful www.england.nhs.uk/supporting-our-nhs-people/support-now/wellbeing-apps/bright-sky/ as it looks like a weather app but has a place you can keep a log. Try to call asap. Call 999 if you or baby are at immediate risk.

mathanxiety · 06/07/2022 19:59

Go to the local.police station and report this abuse. Obv don't go anywhere without your baby.

Do you have any friends or family who could approach this man and force him to leave your house?

Does he ever leave on his own to go shopping, out with someone he's seeing, to the pub, etc? Can you have a friend on call who would come over and put a chain on your door if you don't have one already? Then you could gather his stuff and literally throw it out.

Its your house. He has no right to be there if you decide he's not welcome any more. If you lock him out and he kicks up a fuss, call police. Be ready with proof the house is yours.

Cherrysoup · 06/07/2022 20:20

Just throw him out if you aren’t married. He has some rights if you are, I believe, sod all if you’re not. He can look for a flat from elsewhere. Wanker.

Original poster
Smellyoldowls22 · 06/07/2022 20:20

Ok, plans made. Can't disclose just incase.

OP posts:
Maytodecember · 06/07/2022 20:56

Wasywasydoodah · 06/07/2022 19:58

great that it’s your house. Call 101 police. Tell them that you’re experiencing domestic abuse and need help to get your ex out of the house. Womens aid can also advise you. Don’t let your ex find out until police come.

If you can, keep a log or record of everything he says. you can use this app if helpful www.england.nhs.uk/supporting-our-nhs-people/support-now/wellbeing-apps/bright-sky/ as it looks like a weather app but has a place you can keep a log. Try to call asap. Call 999 if you or baby are at immediate risk.

This. 999 if you or baby in immediate danger.
101 as above to get him removed. Then locks changed ( he may have had keys copied)
Is he on baby’s birthday certificate?

Redburnett · 06/07/2022 21:00

Not sure how wise it is to think about dating when you have a 7 month old baby, better to focus on your DC for now, especially as ex still in the house.

Mally100 · 07/07/2022 04:25

Redburnett · 06/07/2022 21:00

Not sure how wise it is to think about dating when you have a 7 month old baby, better to focus on your DC for now, especially as ex still in the house.

This. why bring more problems to yourself. Focus on your child first and keeping them safe from your ex, work on getting rid off him, then work on yourself so that you don't pick another one like your ex and lastly think of dating. Your baby is only 7m, calm down and don't bring a man around so quickly.

Ponderingwindow · 07/07/2022 05:02

Please talk to women’s aid before proceeding with any plans. I assume your primary concern is your 7 month old. If he is the listed and identified father of the child, he has as much right to take custody of your shared child as you do. While a court will likely side with mainly keeping an infant with the mother or primary caregiver, that isn’t the issue at hand. You shouldn’t have to handle a man like this delicately, it’s not fair, but you might have to. If he is the legal parent, please be especially careful, but even if he is not, please be smart about how you handle this. Men are most likely to turn violent when women are exiting a relationship.

CJsGoldfish · 07/07/2022 05:45

You need to get him out and you need to concentrate on you and your baby. You are in a volatile and shit situation and meeting someone new isn't going to 'save' you from that. Don't jump from one relationship to another, especially with such a young baby who deserves more.