I've been scouring other posts recently, don't know what I'm looking for really, I suppose just how things worked out for others in similar situations and a hand hold.
We've been together 15 years and have a dc. I'm not actually completely sure why things have turned so bad between us, it seemed to just happen. It's been bad for about a year. I think it's a case of built up resentments and things which have happened over the years. On both sides. Both at fault and both complacent.
We always both had the desire to make things work, to fix things, but not any more.
I'm so sad. I suffer from bad mental health anyway, so this limbo is really triggering my anxiety.
It doesn't feel completely 'done' yet, but it does feel inevitable. I keep thinking I need to just be brave and be the one to finally make the decision as he won't unless he meets someone else, but then the thought of him with another woman pops up in my mind and the thought kills me and I want to stay.
We keep swinging from 'we will fight for this' to ignoring or swiping at each other or bringing up things. Yesterday he suggested we go for a walk and a meal together, and I was hopeful and spent ages getting ready, and then he spoiled the mood by being divisive about parenting and then dredging up a recent big argument and then didn't even hug me when he left for work after. At other times it's me doing the rejecting and dredging up. We just can't get on the same page any more.
We cannot afford counselling, we are low earners and there is zero leeway in our budget for it.