Am i doing the right thing?

[BananaAppleOrangeLemon]

Ive been feeling in an absolute indecisive rut for a good few years. Its horrible living in limbo but im so stressed with being unable to make a decision or actually making the decision but DH poo pooing it and sweeping it under the carpet, round and round we go. The crux of it is, i would like to separate/divorce. Weve been together a long time 20+ years, since i was a teenager. We have three school age children. Currently renting in between houses.

We are not intimate anymore. My decision, i just dont feel that way about him.

we barely do anything together either with the kids or together. I feel i do everything kids related eg school drop offs, taking to clubs even making packed lunches and just the overall mental load. Nothings changed for him, he does as he pleases and looks after himself. Ive raised it in the past and he tells me to tell him what needs doing but im not his boss, it’s exhausting working full time and doing all this alone pretty much.

he tends to book quite a lot of lads weekends away during the year. Fine, im not stopping him.

he does drink quite a lot at home during evenings after work and weekends. He does work full time and says his job is stressful and he can have a drink if he likes etc etc

I spend my days trawling houses for sale, day dreaming of my own house and space. Ideally it would be me and the kids only. It would probably improve his relationship with the kids as he would be forced to spend more focussed time with them. Currently hes just there in the background whilst i take the kids to the park, to their clubs etc

also, obviously money is tight for everyone at the moment. We both work full time and earn a decent similar wage each. We keep money separately and pay the same into a joint account. Hes been complaining hes skint but still manages to bring home beers every day.

I suppose im just anxious about the unknown of being single, starting over again etc. Friends and family would probably be shocked to hear and encourage me to stay with him. I think deep in my heart, i know its over

Take the plunge, you sound like you'll be happier ? Could you buy him out ? Maybe less disruptive? Good luck.

@newbiename I think i would be. He clearly is happy with the situation. Im like his mum. Ive just been folding clothes up that have been on the floor half out of the dryer. He would never think to fold them up and take them upstairs to the kids rooms/put them away etc. there is a lot of resentment here from lack of support over the years.

It sounds like you've made the decision. It's normal to feel anxious about change and uncertainty (which is also partly why people around you might resist you making this change).

Have you got a plan for the first few steps beyond daydreams?

Well put it this way, only thing that will change is you will have less work/washing to do around the house by the sounds of it.

leave him, of course change is scary, doesn’t mean it can’t be done though

@midairchallenger Yes i think i have made my mind up. I just need to get those words out! Easier said than done. Ive budgeted, know where i am with money. We’re currently renting (in my name) and all bills are in my name (he doesnt deal with any of this) so technically he could just leave. He has family close by he could move to.

his parents will be beside themselves. Im quite close to them. They help out with childcare. Id hope we can continue this relationship.

@PetersRabbitt Absolutely and the house is so calm and lovely when hes not here. He does tend to lack patience when drinking so i end up steering the kids not to be naughty in the background. It’s exhausting 😥

I am in the same position and very scared

@confusedgirlie im so indecisive. Ive never lived alone but feel i cant carry on. What if my car goes wrong and im stuck??! Cost of living etc Will i be able to get a mortgage on my own with two kids?!? Is it easier to stay and push these feelings down, as ive done for so long?!?! Oh it’s difficult 😫

Yep exactly my thinking worried about it all

I did it. I said the words last night, i wanted him to move out by a set date. He was angry, didnt want to talk about it. But ive said what i needed to say. Now i just got to stick to it and not feel guilty and obligated to “give it another go…” weve been on this merry go round for years. No more.

Well done for doing this. It will be tricky to stick to it.
Have you moved to a separate bedroom for the time being, while he finds alternative accommodation?
I’m planning to do this soon, but scared I’ll end up a blubbering mess and go around in circles like you said you have before.

Make you follow this up ASAP with an appointment with a solicitor that deals with divorces and file for one;tell him when you've done it and suggest he gets his own solicitor;that'll make him see you're serious about it;at the moment he's ignoring it as it means moving out would involve you no longer being his skivvy and him having to parent your children alone when he has them.

And he's probably skint because he spends all his money on booze/nights out/lads holidays.

Honestly, you will feel so much happier when he is gone. My ex was similar, just in the background etc. Now, he has the kids every other weekend and has to actually cook, wash clothes, take them out, and I get a whole weekend to chill out, see friends, go on dates! I feel like I've never had this time before and even though its only 2 weekends a month, I fee so recharged and a better mother for it afterwards. It is so lovely living alone too, you won't regret it.

Well done, OP. Now you need to stick to it, make plans, if he won't leave then make plans to move elsewhere, tell people, once you've started it gets easier. You will be happier and by the sound of it so will your kids once things settle down.

Good for you OP!!

Brave and brilliant xx

Omg well done how do you feel ?