Why did he blush?

[Lucy Long Socks]

So I've been with my partner for 20 years. We went through a rough patch about 8 months ago, but things improved after several months. I am pretty sure we're back to normal now.
He's joined a popular established band (he's a lead guitar player/vocals) the band (not famous) he's joined has a female singer. She's attractive. I've never had any trust issues before, ever. But when I was chatting with my partner a couple of days ago, he was talking about this woman as he does with the band. When he blushed!. Then he kind of looked away like he knew he was blushing. Neither of us mentioned it. But now, I can't stop thinking about it. There's only one reason why he'd blush as far as I'm concerned. I've been panicking ever since. He wasn't talking about anything embarrassing. Just that her picture was in the local newspaper and about that.
They are going on a mini tour of the UK in 3 months, which means nights away, for 4 weeks. I am beside myself. I'm not normally the jealous type.

Lucy, your P didn’t just fail to mention that this woman was coming on the day out. He actually lied that she had popped over as she was probably bored. He intentionally gave you the impression that she impulsively stopped by instead of the truth that they had planned to meet there.

When it comes to her, he feels entitled to weaken his boundaries and deceive you. He needs to understand just how much he stands to lose if he continues down this path.

I’d be on my guard

He said he just didn't mention her coming over because he didn't think. It wasn't important and so on.

Its not just a case of him not mentioning it cos he didn't think it was important if he then made out she'd dropped by unexpectedly cos she was bored.

It's the lying that would be the issue for me

I am pretty sure we’re back to normal now.

I would rethink that statement. He has been disrespectful, dishonest and manipulative.

*He made plans in advance to meet this new woman he’s crushing on for a
day-long outing. She even messaged to confirm.

*He waited to announce he was going until the day of, and held back that she would be there. When he did get around to mentioning her presence after the fact, he lied that she had dropped in spur-of-the-moment.

*When challenged, he downplayed and claimed her presence was unimportant, but his dodgy behavior proves that his agenda surrounding her is very important to him.

Lucy, I wouldn’t trust him. Are lying and manipulation dealbreakers for you?

OP no wonder he doesn't want you around his new mates as kenzo is an issue for you. You either trust the guy or not which you clearly don't. Why?
Maybe kenzo is married, happily, with 6 kids and earning an extra buck. You said she's nice.
Would you care to elaborate?

I think I trust him, like 99%

If you trusted him, you wouldn't have posted, and that's the self deception that'll keep you in a relationship with a man you don't trust.

What's your problem with that 1%? Why don't you want to let it in?

Did he even go to the allotment? Or did he go on a date?

him arranging to meet a woman and spending the day with her and lying about it is absolutely not ok. And absolutely not ok that he’ll spend a month away with said woman there too.

Kenzo is single. No kids. I never had an issue with her. I was happy about her at first. Up until this happened. We like the same music and I thought we could become friends maybe. She's nice. But I am concerned why he blushed and lied. He says he didn't lie. Because he told me about her being there. That's why I'm feeling like this. I don't know if I trust him after this lie but not in a cheating sense but if he doesn't want me around his new cool friends or he thinks I dont like her. Or he thinks I think he fancies her, so he's keeping me away. I'm literally so confused. I genuinely dont know what I think. Hence the post. I have thought a 100 different things.

Yes. He did go. He showed me a couple of pics of himself doing the work there

I'd never trust anyone 100%. Never.

They are deal breakers. But I dont want to lose 20 years of happy marraige though. I also love him so so much. I adore him. Should I divorce him (+ we have children) over this. I dont know how to tackle this. I've been crying for days.

Interesting you said in your first post that you and your partner had a rough patch 8 months ago - are you able to elaborate on this? Does the timing coincide with him joining 'the band'?

Looking back at your other recent posts I'd say now he definitely has a crush on this women, and the fact that he is arranging to meet her behind your back is extremely dodgy.
Something may or may not have happened, but either way - he's playing a dangerous game and building up an emotional connection.

Im' not sure I'd be happy for them to spend 4 weeks away together in light of the above secret meeting.

Have you noticed any recent changes in his behaviour towards you? In the bedroom, or otherwise?

The rough patch was unrelated. To do with our dd. It is still continuing. But better. He has been very moody and argumentative and he says this is because of stress with dd. (It is stressfull)
He said he would leave band if I wanted. Because i am his world and he loves me so much. But I think he'd be so resentful of me. This is his dream. He'll never get this chance again. So I actually don't want him to.
No changes in the bedroom. Purely this blush and meeting. I'm so torn. I adore him and want to believe him. He's never done anything bad ever. But I have been thinking since reading this thread, that I don't trust him. I am thinking we should go to marriage counselling.

Tell him your fears and tell him there is no going back if he cheats. He will lose you and much more. All you can do then is let him go on his tour with a clear warning in his head.

Imo so many men just slip into cheating without having a clear idea of the consequences. When that hits they are distraught but only because they drifted into the affair and the fallout is far more devastating than they realise

That's really helpful. I will do this.

Communication and counselling might be the key. You love him and want him to follow his dream, but ultimately this might be at the expense of your marriage. 4 weeks is a long time for him to be able to duck out of family life and enjoy the single life again. (Not completely, but you know what I mean). Thinking of you op. All comes down to how much he loves you, the life he has, and whether he appreciates that.

This truth is missed so much on mumsnet.

I was in a similar position OP and I truly wished I'd really put my foot down and expressed my boundaries when I first spotted his 'weird' behaviour. I thought I could talk rationally and he'd listen.

He didn't.

I know well the anxiety and the fear. It's awful to live with. Be very clear, be very clear with him what he has to lose.

OP in your post you mentioned when he said she popped by... you both got into an argument over it

and then he showed you his phone. (how you then found out he lied)

why did you get into an argument over this woman popping over? and have you had problems with other woman being friends with your dp?

@Sofacouchboredom what happened?

Well we've planned to talk about it at the weekend. We're going to go to couples therapy too.
We've both agreed we need to calm down before we chat. I am calm, I'm ok to talk. He says he's cross still but he'll try this weekend.

We got into an argument because he knew a couple of days before that she was coming over. But he didn't mention her at all. He then gave me the impression she popped over unexpectedly.

No, we never have had problems before.

How old are the kids and could you go with him for a few nights?

What makes you think this woman would be remotely interested in your husband?

I have already arranged it :)

I don't know if she is or isn't.