I really could do with a shake

[cappuccinolover00]

Hi MN, I really could do some opinions or tough love. I know this is all down to my low self esteem.

I am scared to go through life because of what others think. I rarely post on social media due to judgement, and if I do I then shortly delete it. I am scared to tell anyone anything vulnerable incase they use it against me. I have a loving relationship and am in constant fear his friends won't like me for no reason or try dig up dirt on me. I have 2 of his friends on social media and am in constant anxiety that maybe an ex of mine or someone who doesn't like me will message them or they will hear gossip about me - I know this is irrational as I've never done harm to anyone, but it's a joke.

If people don't reply to me asap, I assume I have done something wrong and constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I know this is all down to me. I have been to therapy before and know it stems from childhood, but I cannot find myself in the loop again of self help books/therapy/needing healed/never coming to any conclusion or being "fixed". I did it for years and had temporary relief.

I really need some realistic opinions and advice, or even tough love. At some point, this can't be accepted anymore and I don't really need to hear "my feelings are valid" because I know they're not.

Anyone?

Well - it sounds like part of you is very sensible! Right here you've put "I worry about XYZ but I know that's completely irrational", over and over again.
So part of you is there already.
You said you are a bit fed up, ok a LOT fed up of therapy and self-help books etc. Fair enough but (sorry!) have you checked out, "The body keeps the score"?
It sounds like a woo book, crystals and yoga, but it's actually a clear, readable book about neurology and how trauma affects thinking and emotions, and more importantly, what works to help turn those problems around. (E.g. EMDR).

All the best OP and if I've said nothing new up there then please just take my good wishes.

What you say actually makes a lot of sense.
My DD has a form of OCD. Sometimes she's absolutely fine and breezes through life but every now and again, there's a chink in her armour and she's back catastrophising and worrying and she finds it very tiring and wishes she could just stop. I think we have various ways we approach this but sometimes it is a bit of tough love!
She knows she has our support but also that much of her resilience and recovery comes from within.
One thing that rang true for her - especially when having intrusive thoughts, was the reflection that actually people who think like this are the least likely to have done anything 'bad' than people who have zero self awareness or care for others!
When she's having a bad spell, it's awful for everyone but she knows it will pass.

I have similar anxieties OP.

I have tried a lot to treat it over the years. What I find best is propranolol (beta blocker which slows heart rate) and CBT and counselling have worked.

Have you been to GP about anxiety?

@Fenella123 Thank you - I actually skimmed over this book in the phase I mentioned before, but never actually read it. I've just downloaded it thanks to your comment! I did think exactly that, about it being woo-woo. I had my fair share of believing in astrology, chakras, manifestation, bla bla as many have and I am not prepared to go down that road again

I'm glad it comes across that way - I'm 24 and feel like I lost my years of 18-24 and I am just not prepared to continue living life this way. Is that book something you've implemented and it helped you?

@Beamur Wow! I have diagnosed OCD also. You'll never believe it, but I've always said the same - that "bad people don't think about whether they're being bad or not". It's crazy to read your comment because your DD sounds like me to a T. I have went through a year of being really good and happy and confident, and now it's flared up so badly in the last 2 months. Is there anything else your DD does to help? I'm so glad she has support!

@Beamur Meant to also say - the things I worry about, like someone sabotaging me or whatever it can be called (which maybe be similar to your DD), I've legitimately never heard of happening to someone. So it's awful to know how irrational and unrealistic a fear is and deal with it daily.

@D0lphine I have, I take propanolol sometimes but it's hard because I know it's for purely physical symptons and my mind is the worst that seems to be the worst enemy. Anti-depressants don't agree with me at all! I did counselling for years and I just feel like I was going round and round in circles.

It's a persistent and sneaky condition. She's currently battling with feelings of wondering if she really thinks/likes/wants something or if she's just doing it for attention. Given that she is very much not an attention seeker, this is deeply irrational. She knows it's irrational but the thought is still there. But, she also knows that thoughts are just thoughts.
She's been trying out some mild exposure 'therapy' on herself this year. Her OCD is around intrusive thoughts, but she also has some social anxiety and this is what she's been working on. For most people, things like ordering food, asking to buy a ticket, chatting with friends - are easy tasks, but no doubt you know, it's really not easy for everyone. So, she's been doing this kind of thing more - contributing in class, asking for things in shops and it kills her a little bit in the moment, but when it goes well (which it usually does) it just adds a little bit of balance to the thought that you can't do it, when you know that you can and you have.

@Beamur bless her. I think I need to do the same. Sounds like she’s doing so well!

Intrusive thoughts can be really tough to deal with OP, I feel for you.

Oh goodness, 24! Oh don't worry, soooo many of us are just a bit of a mess in our twenties, really, if you get out the other end without a divorce, addiction or major debt you've done well! The human brain is still developing until 26-27 (explains a lot!) and particularly if we've had stuff to deal with in childhood and adolescence, it takes a few years and the right experiences to shake all that off.
I'm more than twice your age, OP but I still found that book (and Steve Peters' "The Chimp Paradox" ) invaluable for understanding myself and my friends and family. I do remember being 24 and a bit of a mess myself...it took me until I was about 30 to really sort my head out, but there weren't so many useful resources about in those days - no web, Google or Amazon in those days!

Just keep plugging on, you'll sort yourself out!

@Fenella123 thank you! I do understand it’s maybe an age thing, but I am so sick of being scared and don’t want to waste anymore years like this. Feeling like people are out to get me, constantly judged etc etc.. I’ll have a read! Thank you!