Should I Stay or Go

[xmumoftwox]

This is a long one so please bear with me..

Me and my partner have been together 12 years. I was only 16 when we met and we honestly had a great relationship but for the past 4/ almost 5 years it's been really rocky.

He's always liked a drink but it's every night multiple vodka and cokes and we are struggling financially to the point we've had to borrow money from family and yet he still buys it. I have nothing for myself everything goes on the children and the house. We argue about it so much but he makes it seem like I'm a nag for mentioning the drink and it just never gets resolved. I've offered to help him get help but it doesn't happen.

I just feel so unhappy but then a good day will happen and I think oh it's all going to be ok and I'll stay but then it goes round again in an endless loop.

If we didn't have kids I would have left but they are young and I know it will have an effect on them if we separate. I also think him and his family will make things difficult for me. I do everything for our children they are my entire world and the thought of having to send them off to him each weekend or alternative birthdays/ Christmas just makes me fall apart. I am with them all the time and I love that.

I also know he think of me as less than because I work part time and don't bring as much to the pot financially. I do the housework it's not often he does anything and even then it's when I've asked.

Just frustrated and feeling taken for granted.

Any advice would be gratefully received. Go easy though

Thanks

You give him an ultimatum, either he stops drinking or you leave, it’s going to be tough, if money is going to be short it will be easier if your family can help you.

Big decision, best of luck

You need to get off this merry go around.

It sounds like you are with someone who has a drink problem. Its controlling him rather than the other way around and alcohol is a cruel mistress. Quite apart from his drink problem he's also treating you as his partner poorly and this is unacceptable.

It will be far more damaging emotionally for your children in the long run if you choose to stay. What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships?. What are they learning currently from you two as their parents?. You are showing them that yes, this is how women are treated by men in relationships and this from their dad is currently at least acceptable to you.

It also does your children no favours at all to see a heavily drinking parent in their midst and staying for the supposed sake of the children anyway is a bad idea. Whose sake are you staying for here; theirs or more likely your own because its somehow "easier"?. You've also stated that if it was not for them you would have left so you cannot and must not use them as the glue to bind you and this man together. Do you really think also that such a man would want his children around him half the week in the long run; I think not because they would interfere with his work and drinking time so he'd likely palm them on family members. Sod what his family think as well; they are likely glad to be shot of him and the rotten apple that is your partner did not fall far from the rotten tree that is them. Contacting Womens Aid could benefit you no end here; like all abusive bullies they are really cowards one and all. The Freedom Programme is also worth looking at.

The only person who can help him with his drink problem is him and he does not want your help or support; he's already made that abundantly clear and besides which what can you do to help him?. Nothing and I am so sorry to write that. You can only help your own self ultimately and rebuild your life without him in it day to day.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not let this dysfunctional relationship model be the overriding memory of your children's childhoods.

You need to leave him. It know it's hard, especially as you've been together from a young age. You probably don't know what life is like without him.

However, he has a serious drinking problem, and he doesn't want to get help. The odd good day here or there doesn't outweigh the huge issues he has going on.

Your children will be just fine if you split up. They will adapt. Show them that you were strong enough to do what was best for you and best for them. The last thing they need is to be with a parent who has drinking problems, whilst watching their other parent be miserable.

If this was one of your children in this situation in 20 years time, you'd encourage them to leave, right?

Thank you for your messages. He has gone a week or more with no drink but as soon as he has a bit of money he's straight to buy a bottle. He tells me he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't rely on it everyday. Is that true?

I just got in from work (I only work part time but he finishes early odd days) and literally nothing around the house has been done so now I have to do it all after being at work all day. Double standards?

Some days I could honestly just give up if it weren't the fact I love my kids so much and know how much they need me

Do not stay for the children, in fact it should be the opposite. Is this the kind of relationship you would like them to be in when they grow up, as that is what they are being shown at the moment?

Drinking can still be a problem even if it isn’t deemed alcoholism.
If he’s spending money on alcohol that your family finances can’t afford it’s a problem.
If he regularly drinks excessively it’s a problem.
If his drinking causes arguments it’s a problem.
It will have an effect on your children if you separate, but it will also have an effect on them if you stay and he drinks more and more. Living with a drunk is horrible. My ex was a full blown alcoholic, he became more belligerent, then nasty, then threatening. He almost bankrupted me, I lost all my friends.
Think of the future you want for yourself and your children and then ask yourself if he has a part in that.

** If he’s spending more on alcohol than your finances can allow.

He’s an alcoholic in denial. Not all alcoholics all sit on park benches. He’s buying alcohol as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Now you’ve come home to a house where you now feel obligated to do the chores because he’s done nothing. What is the point of you and he being together now?

You also met this man when you were a child and so had no life experience behind you. It could be argued he stole the rest of your childhood and young adulthood. Again, do not stay with him for the sake of the children. You’ve stated yourself too that if it was not for the kids you would have left and they are no reason to stay with him. Life without him in it will be easier for you and your kids in the long run, they cannot afford to have an alcoholic parent in their lives.

what do you think your kids are learning about relationships here?. Is this really the model you want to be showing them?.

Lets say you split up. You both need a roof over your heads with room for dc. Can you genuinely hand on heart actually see him being responsible for dc half the time or eow or swapping big holidays?

You mention every weekend. Please don't even think about this. My one regret in divorce was having this. I had all the uniforms, laundry and homework etc etc but very little free fun time with my dd. If I had a time machine I would do eow and a meal in the week. I digress.
I suspect that if he became single then the alcohol would become more of a priority. You could probably safely agree half days.
How involved is he in the dc lives right now?

I just feel so unhappy but then a good day will happen and I think oh it's all going to be ok and I'll stay but then it goes round again in an endless loop

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Get away from him. He doesn't respect you or your feelings. He respects alcohol.

You’ve done your best, for years, but he’s never going to change. Please don’t spend the rest of your DC’s childhood with this man. You can give them a much happier, safer and healthier life away from his influence. And you deserve so much better yourself.

He is very involved in their lives but he sleeps a lot too so he'll go off for naps and he is never up before lunchtime on days off or weekends. Our eldest actually says I bet daddy is in bed again when we are driving home from school and he's not at work.

I don't even get a lay in on mother's Day 🤷‍♀️

My dad was abusive physically and an alcoholic and I do see similar patterns but he is a good dad and I know he does love me but not in the way he used to. I know I should leave but I'm terrified. I know I can do it alone and I manage financially and I do have a great support system but like some of you have said it's all ove known since 16.

Before jumping all in I think some time apart would be beneficial