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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship strain when trying for a child

16 replies

Robyn100 · 06/07/2022 01:11

Ok so for context, I recently completed a 6 year degree (distance learning.) I was so excited to start a career in a sector I've always wanted to work in but my husband has been wanting to try for a child for years now and I am 30 so I agreed to put the career change on hold and try. It has been almost a year and I have not conceived and since coming off the pill after 10 years, the PMS is pretty much constant. I feel a shell of myself, the last couple of months when my period is late I go to pee on a pregnancy stick and miraculously my period comes which seems like a sick joke. I feel insecure and depressed constantly and my husband is working away more which is adding to it. He keeps telling me that my hormones are making me 'unhinged' and the less understanding he has the more I am starting to resent him. If I say the wrong thing because I am hormonal he scares me, he shouts, swears and berates me. I am constantly apologising/begging for forgiveness. I feel so lost and alone right now, I'm in a job I hate, I can't get pregnant and my hormones are making me unhinged. I always knew pregnancy would be hard but I didn't think that trying to concieve would make me feel like my marriage is falling apart. Did anyone else find that this stage caused problems in their relationship, or is this a massive red flag?

OP posts:
OneEyedPenguin · 06/07/2022 01:38

If I say the wrong thing because I am hormonal he scares me, he shouts, swears and berates me. I am constantly apologising/begging for forgiveness

You'd be fool to have a child with this man. He is abusing you.

Contact womens aid, freedom program and rally any support from friends and family that you can.

Go back on contraception, you don't have to tell him. Then leave and give yourself and any future children the chance of a happy life.

Vikinga · 06/07/2022 01:44

You've studied for 6 years so go and do the job you want to do and are trained for. Get back on contraception and do not stay with a man who shouts and scares you and doesn't support you. Not getting pregnant by him is a blessing in disguise.

yesterdaysbread · 06/07/2022 06:25

Congrats on your degree, that’s a big achievement. You have spent 6 years working towards this and are still only 30, put yourself first and continue on your new career path, if you do want a child/children there is still time. If there is a strain on your relationship at TTC stage it will just get much bigger once baby is here. Put the baby plan on hold and establish yourself in your new career.

Cadot · 06/07/2022 06:27

He scares you, shouts at you and berates you.

Don't have a child with this man. He will treat his children the way he treats you.

frozendaisy · 06/07/2022 06:28

Vikinga · 06/07/2022 01:44

You've studied for 6 years so go and do the job you want to do and are trained for. Get back on contraception and do not stay with a man who shouts and scares you and doesn't support you. Not getting pregnant by him is a blessing in disguise.

Beautifully put.

girlmom21 · 06/07/2022 06:30

Vikinga · 06/07/2022 01:44

You've studied for 6 years so go and do the job you want to do and are trained for. Get back on contraception and do not stay with a man who shouts and scares you and doesn't support you. Not getting pregnant by him is a blessing in disguise.

All of this!

But please don't blame your hormones for you saying the wrong thing. You haven't said the wrong thing. He's a cunt.

frozendaisy · 06/07/2022 06:30

I would thank my lucky stars my body had protected me from getting pregnant to this controlling prick.

Why oh why didn't you just start your career. But still no time to waste. Get that started now. He is not caring daddy to be material.

PurpleFlower1983 · 06/07/2022 06:36

Vikinga · 06/07/2022 01:44

You've studied for 6 years so go and do the job you want to do and are trained for. Get back on contraception and do not stay with a man who shouts and scares you and doesn't support you. Not getting pregnant by him is a blessing in disguise.

Perfect post!

Changemaname1 · 06/07/2022 06:38

in the nicest possible way wtf are you doing you have given your self an opportunity to change careers through working hard for a degree - go do that . Ditch this arsehole before you are tied to him for 18 years with a child and your life is shit because he will only get worse

Herejustforthisone · 06/07/2022 07:10

Vikinga · 06/07/2022 01:44

You've studied for 6 years so go and do the job you want to do and are trained for. Get back on contraception and do not stay with a man who shouts and scares you and doesn't support you. Not getting pregnant by him is a blessing in disguise.

Read this @Robyn100 , over and over again.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/07/2022 07:12

Thank goodness you're not pregnant to this vile man. Run.

Greybutterfly · 06/07/2022 07:23

You've studied for 6 years … go get the job. I don’t understand why you would put your career on hold when you are not even pregnant?
You need to be in post for 6 months to qualify for maternity pay so you could make the change whilst pregnant as you can still work whilst pregnant. If you do get pregnant the thought of going back to a job you hate will ruin your time off anyway.

More importantly this sounds like an unhealthy relationship to bring a child into. He scares you why would you even consider having a baby with this man?. Having a baby puts strain on even the best relationships.

You need to work on your self esteem. Go get the job you have worked towards, leave this abusive man, be happy and independent and then you will meet the right person to start a family with

Robyn100 · 06/07/2022 08:55

Hi, thank you all for your messages. He wants me to stay in my current job for the maternity benefits and so I can continue to pay half for everything instead of getting statutory maternity pay, so it doesn't put a strain on him. But even as I type this out I realise everything is about him. He tends to just get aggressive and nasty when he is drunk and because he says such hurtful things I always feel like I'm the problem. I do have low self esteem, I had a bad upbringing and as cliche as it sounds I wanted to give a child all the love that I didn't have. But I also want a child to be brought into the world through a happy, loving relationship. So I think even though it is really difficult to process you are all right and I need to go back on contraception and seriously think about this marriage as a whole.

OP posts:
Pleaseletmeconfirm · 06/07/2022 12:57

I'm glad you have realised that you would be foolish to try and have a baby with this man. It would have been so unfair on a child to chose him as their father. Raising kids is difficult and the strains in your relationship that you feel now could easily get a lot lot worse. Imagine how he might deal with an obnoxious teen.

Good luck for the future.

collieresponder88 · 06/07/2022 13:03

If you havnt got a happy relationship now if will definitely get worse once a baby is there. Don't have kids with this bloke. Get out. Ow and do what makes you happy life is short

Dery · 06/07/2022 13:04

“So I think even though it is really difficult to process you are all right and I need to go back on contraception and seriously think about this marriage as a whole.”

Spot on, OP. Having a bad childhood may well mean that you settled down too early with the wrong man because you wanted to escape your home life; also that you have accepted poor treatment because that’s what you grew up with. For a start, a loving partner wouldn’t keep you in a job you hate so you can go 50/50 on expenses while on mat leave.

You’re worth SO much more and it’s great that you’re seeing that. Keep posting here for support while you work this through.

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