DH watching porn

[HumRum]

No idea whether I'm totally over reacting.
I'm 48, DH is a few yrs older, been married 13 years. I'm a sahm and he's retired. Sex life has tailed off a bit as I'm menopausal but still have it around 2-3 times a week.
We've watched soft porn a few times together but very tame stuff, DH has always said he doesn't go on any sites and I believed him.

Earlier today he asked me to look at something on his phone and I went on his browser history. There was LOTS of porn stuff and not tame stuff, I carried on scrolling and there was something called Chatubate? Think it's some kind of adult chat thing.

DH asked if I'd sorted his phone and I said yes, been looking at your porn history. Quick as a flash he said, oh from when we watched it in bed, I said no there's loads of it. He acted innocent so I went in the garden as I needed air, then I went back in and DH admitted to looking at it, saying it meant nothing, everyone does it, yada yada, loves me so much, he was being foolish, etc etc.

He swears blind he's never spoke to anyone on these sites or met anyone.

I'm in shock, it's more that he lied blatantly to me and now I feel like I can't trust him on anything. I asked him to go out for a few hours so I can think but my heads all over the place.

Sorry if this is jumbled I feel devastated, anyone have any words of wisdom.. Thank you

I think the fact he handed his phone over to you without a second thought, tells you how insignificant his porn use is to him. As long as he's watching mainstream stuff and not any dark web content, I don't think you need to worry.

Hey OP.
Sorry you are going through this.

My personal opinion is that I don't mind him watching porn. However, he shouldn't lie if you ask him straight up!

I think this Chaturbate thing is completely unacceptable though. If he was texting another women, this would be considered cheating. I would put these actions in the same category!!

I would have an open and honest conversation with him to find out why he was using it and what he wasn't getting from you & your relationship that he felt the need to do this. Then you can go from there ❤️
Xxx

I think the porn is OK as long as it's not excessive. Even if you hated it and expressed your wishes for him to stop, there would be no way of you controlling that. The chatting stuff is unacceptable. I am a bit of a hypocrite because I have done that myself. I have a very high sex drive, don't watch porn but have my things that I masturbate to frequently and I've chatted sexually to men I've met over the Internet and exchanged pictures and videos. I did it because I was feeling detached from my husband, horny and bored. I ended up confessing as can't live with the guilt and we're sorting things out. Just a view as to why people do that sort of thing.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes he didn't have it hidden or anything like that, and it wasn't dark web content but just feel ick about it.

It's made me doubt everything, I thought we had a really good marriage but now I don't know. He is very good at talking his way out of things!

See what he says when he gets back in xx

I think most people do do it tbh.

I would dig deeper into the chat sites. That is crossing a line and I would not forgive it Porn use builds mistrust when the other partner knows nothing of it then discovers it. It causes all sorts of problems and horrible feelings.

Collie

Exactly, I was genuinely shocked to see how often he'd been on it, and now I feel crap, also some of the stuff he was looking at was yuk and its just made me feel horrible, was he thinking about that during sex with me, etc.

Chaturbate is a common popup for Pornhub so it could be completely innocent in that sense if he had a number of windows open

Porn I could accept but chatting and interacting is a no. But depends on your personal boundaries

Oh stop. You're being so dramatic.

I watch porn a few times a week. DH knows. It's not a big deal.

Backtothefuture

Thanks for the sterling advice.

Yeah some of the site popups are chat sites and don't mean he's actually visited them!

My husband was a Chaturbate user and performer.

When I first discovered he'd been using the site, and chatting and performing on others too, he handed his phone over freely, as mine was out of juice.

He initially insisted he didn't have an account, never chatted with anyone, certainly never met anyone.

It didn't take long to find out the real truth, or to find his performances (the dark web recorded them and put them up for sale), or the women and men he was engaging with IRL.

Don't be naïve like I was @HumRum There's every chance he's not been watching only if Chaturbate came up on his history that much.

Ask for his phone and go on a decent search for usernames/logins/cookies etc. Or ask him directly. See what spills out.

Chaturbate js a common pop up with porn so either it's just that or maybe he has used it?
That's something I'd definitely be questioning but the porn itself wouldn't bother me.
The lies would.

I've seen people saying similar so many times on MN. That they didn't think their H looked at porn.
Almost all men (and plenty of women) do.
It's unavoidable.

Chatubate is different, that's interacting with sex chat. Ask him for the phone again and see if there's an account on there.

The porn wouldn't bother me so much as the chatting.

That's crossing in line, in my book anyway.

OP I’m sorry you are going through this. It is fine to have your boundaries. If they are not compatible with his boundaries then you might not be good for each other. It is horrible to have this surprise. I kinda feel this is a topic that people should discuss when they get into a serious relationship - as often it is not talked about and people have different expectations. Sending you good wishes.

Don't be ridiculous. Everyone has their own boundaries and limits.

You are obviously open and honest about it with your DH and he clearly doesn't care so it works fine for you both. However, I'm sure you would be upset if your DH was sexually messaging other people behind your back.