Do I love him still, after everything?

[Cosmoslove]

I think that I’m having to post that as the subject kind of gives me my answer.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over four years now, which I know doesn’t seem long, but we’ve been through covid together, job losses, and most importantly, a cancer diagnosis.

He has been my rock through my cancer treatment. He has supported me, made me feel attractive in my darkest days, and held my hand through everything. Before cancer, we were happy. I felt like we didn’t do much socially or holiday much (we could have afforded to), but always put it down to only being together for a while and then eventually the pandemic.

Now that all of that is over, I’m not feeling enthusiastic about our relationship. We only do things if I instigate them. Before I was with him, I was really social and planned fun things all the time. He just doesn’t have any enthusiasm for anything. I don’t know if this is just me being enthusiastic about life because I had cancer, or whether I’m making that an excuse.

I’ve never met his friends - he just doesn’t see them anymore. He doesn’t want children in the future (which I can’t have after treatment anyway). He doesn’t want to see his family or my family. He generally has a grumpy persona about him, which I feel I have to make up for when we’re in company and it’s really exhausting. People laugh at it, in a silly way and he can laugh at it too, but the joke kind of wears thin when it’s the weekend and he’s just slobbed on the sofa not wanting to do anything but moan at things.

We moved to a new area mid-pandemic because I had lost my job and managed to get a new one. We’re hours away from family and friends. I just miss everyone and being busy, but he doesn’t seem bothered. There’s no get up and go with him. If I complain, he says it’s my hormones, or things never being good enough for me. It’s always my fault so I just don’t say anything anymore - which has turned me into a lonely, miserable person. If anything is wrong or missing or broken, it’s my fault. His grumpiness just overrides everything.

Am I being unreasonable towards him? Or am I just flat because I don’t love him anymore?

He is sucking the joy out of you, please don’t let him do that!

Life is so short, it could just be that you are incompatible but you deserve a happy and full life and it doesn’t sound like you will have that with him x

But is he correct in that I want more? Like is he sucking all of the joy out of me or is he right, that we’re put on the earth to work and then die.

I’ve tried to talk to him, he says it’s me wanting too much from life, or it’s my hormones, it’s basically everything except for him. It is never his fault. I try to plan things but I don’t enjoy them with him, he just moans about everything, to the point where I just roll my eyes behind his back at how grumpy he is being.

It's ok to want more OP! I would hate to have a boring miserable life. If you stay with him then you will need to carve out a life for yourself, but it will wear thin. Some people would be happy living a life of work and chilling but most people want more then that, I definitely do. I've dumped a bf before because all he ever did was work, drink beer and fall asleep watching Netflix every night. Was not the life I wanted!

I'm wondering that if you had been with your BF during the last 4 years, without COVID, job change and in particular your cancer diagnosis and treatment, you would still be with him. I feel that because you have been through so much in those 4 years and because he was so supportive during your cancer treatment, you feel beholden to him.

It's great that he was there for you, but dismissing your concerns when you try to talk to him as "your hormones" is dismissive and dare I say it sexist. You never hear a woman telling a man who is unhappy that it's just his hormones talking.

I can't help thinking without covid and cancer, that you would have realised long before 4 years had passed, that he is a fun sponge, a dementor, sucking all the joy from your life. Add in your illness and it's no wonder that you want to grab life by the balls and get out there and enjoy all that life has to offer, it's just a mystery that he doesn't get this.

Op, you know, I think, that this relationship has run its course and for your own well-being and happiness you need to end it. Is there any chance of finding work closer to your friends and family, because that would seem a good place to start. I wish you well.

I think its just run its course - you dont seem compatible and it perhaps would have fizzed out if it hadnt been for circumstances…. You just need more - nothing wrong with that.

You don’t want too much, you want what you want.
Hes sucking the fun out of your life, move on.

No matter if he's joyless or not, he won't listen to you and discuss the issues between you. That relationship cannot work. You can't stay with him for the previous support but perhaps you could say what it meant to you.

Beware the man who blames you for everything.

Beware the man who doesn't want to see anyone or do anything and keep you all alone at home to listen to his whining.

You're not being unreasonable towards him, you're seeing him for the boring, quite possibly abusive, bugger he is. He's not going to change.

He sounds depressed OP...

Of course you don't want too much. It's perfectly normal to want to live life to the full, perhaps especially when you are young, and when you've had a health scare and come through it.

It sounds like you think this is jusy who he is, rather than he's depressed. And even if he is depressed, only he can do anything about it and it sounds like he doesn't want to.

It's OK to acknowledge you want different things. He has every right to say he wants to do nothing except work and sit on the sofa. You have every right to want more from life. Perhaps your relationship has run its course. Don't stay with him because you feel grateful for what he did when you were ill. It was lovely that he was there for you, but you don't oww him the rest of your life being miserable in return.